Ask The Vatican
Assassin (Before It's
Too Late, Part 2)
Got a problem? Well, your
worries are over: We here at Shaking Through World Headquarters have an expert
in the field of "problem-solving." When he’s not busy carrying on the noble
tradition of the Knights Templar (“God’s Green Berets”) -- snuffing out world
leaders, dispatching demons and generally saving the world like a long-haired,
street-smart James Bond -- Vatican Assassin spends his free time indulging his
every hedonistic whim, which gets him into lots of trouble. Who better to dole
out helpful advice to the lovelorn, conflicted and confused?
Posted: February 16, 2004
Before It's Too Late, Part 2
Approximately eight minutes
after sending his first
letter, the correspondent we've chosen to call "Before It's Too Late!"
followed up with this rather puzzling change of heart. Normally, I won't
even bother forwarding an email so full of spelling and grammatical errors
on to the Assassin. But given that this correspondent is obviously
spoiling for a fight, I decided to overlook his hasty negligence of basic
writing skills. Errors are left intact for context.
-- Kevin Forest Moreau, Editor-in-Chief
You know what? On the other hand, fuck you you asshole. You call thid\s
afucking love advise website and all you doo is diss people when they have
a fucking problem. Yo your bullshit, if some one ask you for your advise
just give them some fucking real advise (in other words thing they want to
hear not the bullshit your sending out you dipshit ass hippie lookin mutha
fucker). Post this letter on the website if you got the balls to skipper!
Yo ass aint nuthin. Post my shit on yo site and me and you will call each
other names and Ill kick your ass and get it over with you fucking sheep
fucker. Cause your advise sucks ass Imean is this website or is it for
animals becuase by your advise it seems like you benn fucking gerbals or
some shit you sadistic bastard wooh! glad i got that off my chest!
Dear Nincompoop In North Carolina,
Damn. You try to help someone and this is what you get. Allow me to
educate you on some simple facts of life... that is, if I can focus; it's
really hard to type when I'm laughing so hard. Please, I invite everyone
else to join me in pointing and laughing, too.
"you call thid\s a fucking love advise website"
Actually, no I don't. In fact, neither do the editors of this site,
which, you may not have noticed, isn't an advice site at all. As to my
advice column, if you'd read the bio next to my "dipshit ass hippie
lookin mutha fucker" picture, you would have no doubt had trouble
comprehending the following words: "Who better to dole out helpful advice
to the lovelorn, conflicted and confused?" That, in English, means an
advice column, on all levels, not solely a "love advice" column.
McDonald's puts little pictures of all the food on the cash register for
employees just like you. Isn't English supposed to be your native
language? You might want to learn it someday.
"all you doo is diss people when they have a fucking problem"
Hey, truth hurts. Especially when it's pointed like mine, and mine is
pointed because sometimes that's the only way people will listen and pay
attention. The truth hurts because lots of people in this country
and this world have their priorities fucked up. You ask advice from me,
then you get me telling you what is what. Straight-up truth: that's how
you get it. If that's not how you want it, then don't ask for my opinion.
Am I too harsh? Maybe. Hey, somebody's got to be the bastard, and
Shaking Through agreed that I was the bastard for them. Does my point
still get across? Absolutely. If you're too thin-skinned to not be able to
take it when someone says "You're fucked up, what the hell are you
thinking?" when you tell them your sob story, then don't ask for advice.
It's that simple.
"if some one ask you for your advise just give them some fucking real
advise (in other words thing they want to hear not the bullshit your
This was the part that made me run to the bathroom, I was laughing so
hard. Let me get this straight. You're saying when someone asks for
advice, whether it's mine or Dear Abby's, that we should LIE to them? Oh,
that's rich. Well, "skipper," even the nice ones don't lie. They
write their own opinions, too! Shocking, I know, but there it is. Tell me:
If I lie to you, then what's the point? It's been said that all advice is,
is the truth you already know, but just need to hear. Besides, if I lie to
you and it doesn't work out the way you want, then you'd think I
was to blame for not telling you the truth! The real world is more complex
than that, "skipper." Your mother lied, not only when she told you you
weren't adopted, but also when she said that you can have it both ways.
(She did tell the truth, though, when she rubbed you on your head
every day before school and said you were 'special', and that was why you
got to ride on that short bus.) I'm not here to be your friend or
molly-coddler. In fact, I'd bet my paycheck that most people who've read
my column, and even the ones who have written in, would say being straight
and unabashedly to the point was the way to go. I know a couple have even
thanked me for it. What would lying to them have gotten them in the end? I
don't care if you like me or not. I say my piece because you asked, and
then I go to bed at night and never give it another thought.
"Post this letter on the website if you got the balls to skipper! yo
ass aint nuthin yo ass aint nuthin post my shit on yo site and me and you
will call each other names and ill kick your ass and get it over with"
Yes, I have the balls to, for lots of reasons. One: You are about as
much a threat to me as your Eminem haircut is attractive to the ladies.
Why? Well, for one, I have the law on my side. My own personal attorney,
in between chuckles from reading your letter, remarked "He wouldn't be
that stupid." Your little howler monkey brain failed to realize that
when you sent your email, all of your information came with it. Oh! Oh!
Oh! You make such a cute face when you get to the bottom of your tall,
cold glass of reality! So, yes, I have your email address -- and,
incidentally, the address of the person you've been cc'ing your letters
So here's the real deal, and it's probably the best advice you'll ever
get: Be smart, and don't try to take this further. First of all, there's
nothing to take further, except in your mind. Second, this won't be
a 'posting' war of any kind. This isn't you and your other nerd friends
exchanging flames from the safety of your basement. In the real world,
your threat-filled emails with your name on them are more than enough to
get you in hot water with your parole officer. Here in reality, we get to
block your e-mails, and what's more, we get to report threatening ones,
too, as we see fit. That also goes for contacting me directly outside this
site. Seems they take threats of any kind over the e-mail pretty seriously
Oh, but wait, there's more for you, Junior. What's with your fronting? In
your last letter you mention your "behind" but in this letter your puberty
must've hit, because now you can be a man and say "ass." And you stray
smoothly from broken English straight into bad hip-hop-ese. I see "Hooked
on Ebonics" didn't work for you. Dude, all of your poor chest-puffing and
trying to scare me with your hip-hop dialogue only makes me take you even
"cause your advise sucks ass imean is this website or is it for animals
becuase by your advise it seems like you benn fucking gerbals or some
This was almost as riotously funny as the last part. Let's see, my advice
sucks -- so you write into the column??! Yeah, that makes a
hell of a lot of sense. What's more, apparently you wrote in before
you read any of my advice columns. So you wrote this letter to what,
counteract the first one? Hoping I'll ignore both letters and be so scared
by your net bravado that I wouldn't reply to either? That worked really
well, didn't it, class? And you wonder why I dis people? You're the
reason, champ. And just out of curiosity, how can you tell merely by
reading a letter if one enjoys sexual congress with animals? By
experience, I would guess?
I don't know about you folks, but I think I'm beginning to see why he and
this girl split. She got tired of being the brains of the outfit.
"you sadistic bastard wooh! glad i got that off my chest"
I guess if you thought I was a sadistic bastard before, this letter
proves it. But I'll give you one thing -- and one thing only -- that
you're right about. It does feel good to get things off of your
chest, doesn't it? I hope so, because that's all you get. The neat thing
about advice columns is that you get no rebuttal to my response. That's
it. You lose. Thanks for playing. I get the last word, always. All you get
to do is stew, and I get to continue to laugh. What's more, it stays
posted online so future visitors can laugh at you, too.
Time for you to get off your parent's computer now, 'dawg'. Tomorrow's a
school day and you wouldn't want to be late for your remedial classes at
the Votech Institute. Don't get all blubbery on me now; it's just a fact
of life. Every now and then, you meet someone who's better at something
than you are. You've just met yours, is all.
Now get off my lawn, you damn punk kid, before I turn the sprinklers on
the Vatican Assassin
- (Who knows, he might even
respond to you)
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