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Ask The Vatican
Assassin (Before It's
Too Late, Part 1)
Got a problem? Well, your
worries are over: We here at Shaking Through World Headquarters have an expert
in the field of "problem-solving." When he’s not busy carrying on the noble
tradition of the Knights Templar (“God’s Green Berets”) -- snuffing out world
leaders, dispatching demons and generally saving the world like a long-haired,
street-smart James Bond -- Vatican Assassin spends his free time indulging his
every hedonistic whim, which gets him into lots of trouble. Who better to dole
out helpful advice to the lovelorn, conflicted and confused?
Posted: February 16, 2004
Before It's Too Late, Part 1
Editor's Note: This
is only the first part in a rather bizarre two-part letter: Read the
second part, and V.A.'s response to it,
here. -- Kevin
Forest Moreau, Editor-in-Chief
Hey man I really do need some serious advice from you if your the
real deal. Look, before me and this girl broke up, we were best friends
and lovers, and I mean I really was real, real in love with her but after
we broke up I moved away. But now I'm back after two years of no speaking
and I think I've fallen in love with her again, but there's two problems.
1) She has heard all these false rumors about me cheating on her and
calling her names after we broke up. 2) She has this new boyfriend who can
kick my behind, and he's a little bit more attractive then me, but I don't
believe she loves him, I mean in love with him. Come on man, do you have
anything to help me out? Because I thinks she's that one for me and I
don't want to miss out on her, so please email me back as soon as soon as
possible Before its to late!
Dear Before It's Too Late,
Serious advice? Why, that's the only advice I give! You've come to the
right place. Pull up a chair and sit a spell while I whittle you some
advice that's better than two men playing checkers around the local
cracker barrel. I am indeed the real deal. If I weren't, do you think the
fine and upstanding people at Shaking Through would have given me
an advice column?
First off, let's get something straight here. What chaps my ass is
people who had a shot with someone, and then are begging for a second
chance. Why? You had your turn. If you were to blame, than why should
someone give you another chance? If it was their fault, why would you give
them the opportunity to hurt you again? Trust me, most times, the people
who were wrong (and they're always the ones begging for a rematch -- not
the wronged person) don't deserve a second shot. It didn't work out. Your
fault, their fault, no one's fault; it doesn't matter. It's over. Move on.
Try to be friends, or pick up your toys and move to the other end of the
sandbox.
Now, what I'm curious about is this: If you were so in love, why
did you two break up in the first place? The downside to advice letters,
folks, is that you unfortunately get only one side of the story, and most
of the time that side has some pretty glaring (and convenient) omissions.
It's been my experience that people break up for a reason. I was once
asked: "How can two people who are so crazy about one another not be
living happily ever after?" The answer: "Evidently one of the two just
wasn't crazy enough." Simply put, based on your letter, it sounds like
either she wasn't so in love with you, or you were so in love with her
that you didn't know how to treat her right. Trust me, what you thought
was right probably wasn't. If things were so great between you two, you'd
be together now and you wouldn't writing to me.
You say she's heard all these rumors of you being unfaithful and
talking smack about her. Have you asked her about these rumors? Who told
her? Did you ask them why they told her? Especially if it's not
true, I know I would ask my accusers why they would be spreading lies
about me. I've found it's also great if you bring them to the girl and ask
them to repeat said lie; nothing squelches a lie quicker than putting the
person doing the lying on the spot. Best thing you can do here is either
A) sort through the lies, find out who's telling them, and then accurately
refute them or B) if you were cheating, admit the truth, and not
gloss over it with loose definitions of what 'messing around' is. (Simply
put: If you're with someone that means no one else. Even if both of
you didn't care, if you swap spit or play Horizontal Mambo it's still
messing around, capice'? Any claims to being drunk, or "it didn't mean
anything" are so insulting that they deserve walking papers issued then
and there.)
Now, your second problem is your more serious one. She has a boyfriend.
What's more, a boyfriend you feel can kick your ass and is more
attractive than you! Well, points for honesty for admitting those two
facts, but demerits for pining for a girl you once had but who is now with
someone else. What can you do? Not much, I'm afraid. If she's with
someone, then like it or not, buck, she's with someone. If she
wants to be with him and not you, then that's HER choice, not yours.
Whether you think she's in love with the guy is inconsequential. Of
course you're going to think she's not in love with him, because you
want her back. You want to find out if she wants to be with him, or with
you for that matter? Then talk to her and lay it all out. And you had
better be able to clearly and convincingly dismiss all of the reported
lies about you, as well as why you shouldn't have broken up in the first
place. I always recommend getting the straight truth at the very least,
because it means not only did you try, but at least you'll never question
once you have the answer. If you do, then you're the type that just
doesn't get it, and that's what restraining orders were made for.
However, and this is part of the medicine you'll have to take if you go
that route, you have to be able to take not only a potential "No" from
her, but also an ass whipping. The chances are she may say "No," and you
have to be a big enough man to take it and walk away. If not, well, you
cross over into the field of "stalking," and the next thing you know
everyone's watching you on Court TV calling from your car phone
live-on-the-air sobbing that you "Didn't mean to do it" and that you
"loved her, but she just wouldn't listen." And if this guy whips your ass,
technically speaking, even in the animal kingdom, he has every right to do
so. Why? Because you're moving in on his girl and trying to get her to end
things with him. Wild Kingdom has shown some nasty things lions do
to one another when that kind of shit happens, and it's never pretty. And
imagine what we humans can do, with our opposable thumbs and knowledge of
how to swing axe handles.
So that's my advice: Talk to her and find out the truth, once and for
all. If she tells you what you don't want to hear, then be a man and walk
away with some pride. Also, bring some Band Aids for the possible ass
whipping that may be waiting for you, because from what I hear tell, in
the South what you're wanting to do is called an old-fashioned home
wrecking, and getting a mud hole stomped in your ass is the risk you take.
And that's advice you can rock on the porch swing to.
Need Advice?
-
 Email
the Vatican Assassin
- (Who knows, he might even
respond to you)
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