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Ask The Vatican Assassin (Before It's Too Late, Part 1)

Got a problem? Well, your worries are over: We here at Shaking Through World Headquarters have an expert in the field of "problem-solving." When he’s not busy carrying on the noble tradition of the Knights Templar (“God’s Green Berets”) -- snuffing out world leaders, dispatching demons and generally saving the world like a long-haired, street-smart James Bond -- Vatican Assassin spends his free time indulging his every hedonistic whim, which gets him into lots of trouble. Who better to dole out helpful advice to the lovelorn, conflicted and confused?

Posted: February 16, 2004

Before It's Too Late, Part 1

Editor's Note: This is only the first part in a rather bizarre two-part letter: Read the second part, and V.A.'s response to it, here.  -- Kevin Forest Moreau, Editor-in-Chief

Hey man I really do need some serious advice from you if your the real deal. Look, before me and this girl broke up, we were best friends and lovers, and I mean I really was real, real in love with her but after we broke up I moved away. But now I'm back after two years of no speaking and I think I've fallen in love with her again, but there's two problems. 1) She has heard all these false rumors about me cheating on her and calling her names after we broke up. 2) She has this new boyfriend who can kick my behind, and he's a little bit more attractive then me, but I don't believe she loves him, I mean in love with him. Come on man, do you have anything to help me out? Because I thinks she's that one for me and I don't want to miss out on her, so please email me back as soon as soon as possible Before its to late!

Dear Before It's Too Late,

Serious advice? Why, that's the only advice I give! You've come to the right place. Pull up a chair and sit a spell while I whittle you some advice that's better than two men playing checkers around the local cracker barrel. I am indeed the real deal. If I weren't, do you think the fine and upstanding people at Shaking Through would have given me an advice column?

First off, let's get something straight here. What chaps my ass is people who had a shot with someone, and then are begging for a second chance. Why? You had your turn. If you were to blame, than why should someone give you another chance? If it was their fault, why would you give them the opportunity to hurt you again? Trust me, most times, the people who were wrong (and they're always the ones begging for a rematch -- not the wronged person) don't deserve a second shot. It didn't work out. Your fault, their fault, no one's fault; it doesn't matter. It's over. Move on. Try to be friends, or pick up your toys and move to the other end of the sandbox.

Now, what I'm curious about is this: If you were so in love, why did you two break up in the first place? The downside to advice letters, folks, is that you unfortunately get only one side of the story, and most of the time that side has some pretty glaring (and convenient) omissions. It's been my experience that people break up for a reason. I was once asked: "How can two people who are so crazy about one another not be living happily ever after?" The answer: "Evidently one of the two just wasn't crazy enough." Simply put, based on your letter, it sounds like either she wasn't so in love with you, or you were so in love with her that you didn't know how to treat her right. Trust me, what you thought was right probably wasn't. If things were so great between you two, you'd be together now and you wouldn't writing to me.

You say she's heard all these rumors of you being unfaithful and talking smack about her. Have you asked her about these rumors? Who told her? Did you ask them why they told her? Especially if it's not true, I know I would ask my accusers why they would be spreading lies about me. I've found it's also great if you bring them to the girl and ask them to repeat said lie; nothing squelches a lie quicker than putting the person doing the lying on the spot. Best thing you can do here is either A) sort through the lies, find out who's telling them, and then accurately refute them or B) if you were cheating, admit the truth, and not gloss over it with loose definitions of what 'messing around' is. (Simply put: If you're with someone that means no one else. Even if both of you didn't care, if you swap spit or play Horizontal Mambo it's still messing around, capice'? Any claims to being drunk, or "it didn't mean anything" are so insulting that they deserve walking papers issued then and there.)

Now, your second problem is your more serious one. She has a boyfriend. What's more, a boyfriend you feel can kick your ass and is more attractive than you! Well, points for honesty for admitting those two facts, but demerits for pining for a girl you once had but who is now with someone else. What can you do? Not much, I'm afraid. If she's with someone, then like it or not, buck, she's with someone. If she wants to be with him and not you, then that's HER choice, not yours. Whether you think she's in love with the guy is inconsequential. Of course you're going to think she's not in love with him, because you want her back. You want to find out if she wants to be with him, or with you for that matter? Then talk to her and lay it all out. And you had better be able to clearly and convincingly dismiss all of the reported lies about you, as well as why you shouldn't have broken up in the first place. I always recommend getting the straight truth at the very least, because it means not only did you try, but at least you'll never question once you have the answer. If you do, then you're the type that just doesn't get it, and that's what restraining orders were made for.

However, and this is part of the medicine you'll have to take if you go that route, you have to be able to take not only a potential "No" from her, but also an ass whipping. The chances are she may say "No," and you have to be a big enough man to take it and walk away. If not, well, you cross over into the field of "stalking," and the next thing you know everyone's watching you on Court TV calling from your car phone live-on-the-air sobbing that you "Didn't mean to do it" and that you "loved her, but she just wouldn't listen." And if this guy whips your ass, technically speaking, even in the animal kingdom, he has every right to do so. Why? Because you're moving in on his girl and trying to get her to end things with him. Wild Kingdom has shown some nasty things lions do to one another when that kind of shit happens, and it's never pretty. And imagine what we humans can do, with our opposable thumbs and knowledge of how to swing axe handles.

So that's my advice: Talk to her and find out the truth, once and for all. If she tells you what you don't want to hear, then be a man and walk away with some pride. Also, bring some Band Aids for the possible ass whipping that may be waiting for you, because from what I hear tell, in the South what you're wanting to do is called an old-fashioned home wrecking, and getting a mud hole stomped in your ass is the risk you take. And that's advice you can rock on the porch swing to.

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