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Ask The Vatican Assassin (Baffled About A Boob Job)

Got a problem? Well, your worries are over: We here at Shaking Through World Headquarters have an expert in the field of "problem-solving." When he’s not busy carrying on the noble tradition of the Knights Templar (“God’s Green Berets”) -- snuffing out world leaders, dispatching demons and generally saving the world like a long-haired, street-smart James Bond -- Vatican Assassin spends his free time indulging his every hedonistic whim, which gets him into lots of trouble. Who better to dole out helpful advice to the lovelorn, conflicted and confused?

Posted: March 13, 2004

Dear Vatican Assassin:

I need your opinion on a couple of boobs. I mean real boobs -- well, not really -- they're fake boobs, but they look real. Or so I'm told, because I haven't seen them yet. Anyway, I need to know what the etiquette is when a chick tells you she's getting a boob job. Do you send flowers or something after she gets those puppies stuffed in there or what? What is the appropriate gesture for a girl that is a big phony and fake and gets big fake titties added on? Is it even required to acknowledge the surgery when all she is to you is a big prick tease? And what do you say to her when she inevitably asks if you like the new titties or not? How do you quell the initial response to tell her she was slutty enough with her real boobs and she really doesn't need big fake titties to give the guys she has hanging around her the blue balls? I honestly don't know what to say. Her real boobs were okay, a little on the smallish side, but way perky and they got nice and nipple-y when it was cold out. I have nothing to compare to, because I never got to see her real boobs in the flesh, and now she's probably going to want to flash the big fake titties, maybe even at me. What would you do if it were you?

-- Baffled About A Boob Job

Dear Baffled,

Well now, if I'm reading this straight and making eye contact, you're asking me about what exactly? How to tell her you're a bitter and angry man 'cause she gives it up to the 7th fleet and not to you? We'll get to that in a minute. First I want to answer your original question, then we'll get to the real one.

What is the proper thing to do or say when someone you know gets a little work done under the hood? Well, the proper "Tittiequette" (and by the way, folks, I've got that term trademarked, all rights reserved, so hands off or pay up) all depends on what kind of person she's like. If she seems to be a self-confident woman who wants them for herself more than anything, then more power to her. There's nothing wrong with doing something because YOU want to, and not because society tells you to.

If, on the other hand, she seems more emotionally fragile than Woody Allen, then feel free to add to her time in therapy sessions by recreating any boot camp scene you choose from Full Metal Jacket. "I see your insecurities have grown a cup size" has always worked well for me. Ditto "Well, I'm glad it wasn't because you've bought stock in whiplash braces."

More importantly, what do you say or do upon actually seeing the work in person? No need to send flowers or Get Well cards, since it's now been regulated to mainly outpatient status, but in some cases, and depending your preference for shape, some sort of polite applause might be in order. In my day, I've seen some Blue Ribbon County Fair work that made me want to hug their surgeon, or at least give him/her a gold medal for a job well done.

But then, my preference is for better living through modern medicine. Anyone who says (insert your own mock-whining voice) "Oh, they're too hard" or "Oh, they're too fake looking" or "Oh, I'd never sleep with a girl who had them," I call that person a LIAR!!! to their face. In my travels -- and trust me, in this venue I have had my passport stamped enough times to warrant a second one issued (the editor can vouch for me on this) -- the fake ones are firmer, which is what you always hear guys bellyaching that they want anyway. Fake looking? Right, then you have rescinded all rights you have to go into any strip clubs, watch any porn movies or Baywatch reruns, go to any bachelor party, look at any Victoria's Secret catalog or adult magazine, movie or music video, awards show, etc., etc. Sorry, if you don't like the look of them then you're not allowed to ogle the ones that had it done. And any guy that says he'll say "No thank you" to a hot girl coming onto him simply because she has fake breasts, you need to tackle him right then and there and rip the rubber mask off his head because he's obviously trying to fool the Scooby Gang here. No, what he would be is a LIAR, because trust me: guys are guys, and they wouldn't return a free sports car just because it had a dent in the hood. But I digress.

Moving deeper into your letter, what if said woman is a horrible tease to you? What is the "appropriate gesture" then? The trick is to determine first if she's really a tease destined to be buried in a "Y" shaped coffin, in need of being taken down a peg or two. If so, I favor something along the lines of "Why'd you go smaller? No one goes smaller, do they?" Or simply turn your head to one side like a dog and ask "Is one really supposed to be bigger than the other? Nah, I'm seeing things. Forget I said that. They look great." (Keep periodically twisting your head all night.) Better still, if you know ahead of time she's gotten them done, buy a sympathy card or one of those "We're Sorry For Your Loss" cards you see at Hallmark. Maybe even ask her where to send the flowers for the dearly departed. You get the picture.

Or do you? Because maybe, maybe you're just making wine out of your sour grapes. I mean, really. If Barbie really doesn't show up on your Class Act Radar, then you shouldn't even be writing to me, now should you? If you don't like her all that much to begin with, then it doesn't really matter if she's had a boob job or not, does it? No, my friend, in this case, methinks the boob in question is you. It's YOU that needs to get over the rejection and summarily file this woman in your "Do Not Call" List, instead of pumping my column for clever put-downs. You want to put her down just because she's gotten her top shelf raised a couple of notches? Nah, you disliked her before that.

And why? Because you kept letting yourself get suckered by her play. In which case it's your own damn fault. Simple fact of the matter is, if she's a tease, she's a tease. If you fell for it repeatedly, you only have yourself to blame. Let the blame fall where it should, and at least try to be the better human being. You can't be angry at someone because of who they are, especially if you knew that ahead of time and decided to try and play again, knowing full well that the outcome would be the same.

And for God's sake: Don't Stare. Or at least, if you do, don't make it look so obvious. Why do you think I wear shades all the time?

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