Ask The Vatican
Assassin (Going For The One)
Got a problem? Well, your
worries are over: We here at Shaking Through World Headquarters have an expert
in the field of "problem-solving." When he’s not busy carrying on the noble
tradition of the Knights Templar (“God’s Green Berets”) -- snuffing out world
leaders, dispatching demons and generally saving the world like a long-haired,
street-smart James Bond -- Vatican Assassin spends his free time indulging his
every hedonistic whim, which gets him into lots of trouble. Who better to dole
out helpful advice to the lovelorn, conflicted and confused?
Editor's Note: I've
said it before, and I'll say it one last time. If you want to see your
letter in print, with Vatican Assassin's advice, for the love of all
that's holy, use that spell-check function on your computer.
Letters with misspelled words, with lower-case I's for the pronoun "I,"
will not be answered or printed. PERIOD.
Posted: November 7, 2003
Dear Vatican Assassin,
I heard about you from a friend and I need to ask you a favor. I'm a
junior in high school and I have fallen in love with a girl that I've
known for a year and a half now. This girl is everything I look for in a
girl; she's smart, beautiful, and everything I want in her personality.
We've gone out before. Twice to be exact. The first time it was for a week
and we agreed that it was too quick and we should wait. The second time we
went out was for a month and a half and we broke up because we got into a
fight about one of her ex-boyfriends. It's been almost a year since we
last dated but we have remained the best of friends. I love her in two
different ways. In one way it's the love of friendship and I feel like
that can't be broken because it's already been tested and hasn't failed.
And the other way is that I truly believe that she is the one. Everyday I
see her and fall more and more in love with her.
I've noticed lately that there's more flirting than usual. She's
acting different. She's acting like she did right before we went out last
time. My friends think I'm retarded because I keep falling for the wrong
girl. They don't' know that this one girl means everything to me. They say
she might break my heart again but I'm willing to take that chance. I
dunno if the way she's acting is because she wants to try it again or
what, but I'm so confused.
When we broke up the second time she went back to her ex-boyfriend
(the one we fought over) but that didn't last too long because they got
into a fight about some nonsense and he started a new relationship with
some other girl.
I just want to know what I should do. I mean I love this girl to
death but should I go after her one more time?
Jeez. How in Hell did I become the advice columnist for hormonally
stricken teens?? Don't your parents have Internet filters for this kind of
thing? Shouldn't you be doing your homework instead of writing me about
how you can take your true love to your prom? Shouldn't you be asking your
parents for this kind of advice? Shouldn't your parents be taking more of
an interest, instead of letting some guy on the Internet, twice their
child's age, do the Father Knows Best routine? Mutter mutter grumble
Ok, here's the real deal. The best part about this is, you're
going to hate every word of it, and when you get older, the constant will
still be the same: I'll be right. I'm right now, and I'll still be
right years from now when you've forgotten this one's name and are writing
to me about the new one in college. (I'm betting now that the future
letter will be about "The One" as well.)
The Real Deal: She's not "The One". The Real Deal: "The One"
doesn't exist. Ever. Disney LIED.
Why are humans so obsessed with this "One" concept? Most animals that
are said to 'mate for life' actually take several mates over their life
span to keep the breed moving forward. What's more, they aren't mating for
life out of love: They're doing it out of instinct. Furthermore,
when you break it down, in today's disposable society, all marriages have
a 50% chance of survival or failure. Either it's going to work because
both people are trying their hardest to work it out, or it's going to
fail because one of the people gave up. All this blah blah blah when
people tell me that they've found "The One" -- this time, for
sure -- makes me want to choke them.
So let me break it down further for you: There is a "One," all
right. It's YOU. Not someone else. In our endless quest to
shirk responsibility for our own actions, we search for someone else to
complete our own lives. Why? Because it's easier to assign a blame or
fault to someone other than yourself -- especially when you're really at
fault. We always say: "They dumped me." Or, "They left me." But if you
look at it closely and honestly, you'll probably see that you're just as
much at fault for not being able to keep them as they are for giving up.
There's an old saying, and as I get older I find myself enjoying using
these phrases more, even though it makes me feel like an old man: You
can't take care of someone else until you can take care of yourself.
Period. You have to find your own center before you can share anything
with anyone else to any degree of lasting success. Most people, when they
tell you about their "one," are telling you in hindsight: they didn't know
until afterwards. That's the only true way to know. Me, I'm hoping that
when I'm in my 80's, if I'm still waking up to the same woman, with the
same smile on my face, that'll be a good clue that I've been spending my
time with the right one. (And really, does anyone want the responsibility,
the pressure, of that kind of title?)
That was the true answer to the question at hand, whether you
think so or not. However, I'm pretty sure you won't take it, because it
wasn't the answer you wanted to hear. So here's that answer: Go for it
again. If she breaks your heart again, well, you'll tape it up and play
through the pain. If she doesn't break your heart again, then the
risk was worth the reward. Either way, it's best to take the shot, because
if you don't you'll always wonder "What if?" Taking a gamble is a 50%
chance of success. Not taking it is 100% chance of failure, because
you never even tried. It's better to have lived and regret something
you've done than to have lived and regret something you haven't done.
I'd tell you to grow up, but that's a given. For the love of God,
you're a junior in High School. You're, what, 16 or so, tops? What
are you doing worrying about who you're going to spend the rest of your
life with this early in the game? You should be enjoying the fact you can
still wake up at noon on Saturdays before the words "I have to go to work"
become a mantra. Before you realize maybe you really should've given some
serious thought to what you wanted to be when you grow up. My last piece
of advice: Get a job, then a girl. Trust me, you're not going to be able
to keep a girl, "The One" or any other one, for very long if you can't
take her to a restaurant that doesn't offer super-sizing. Fortunately,
Burger King makes frequent stops at your local job fair.
They call me Dr. Love; I've got the cure you're thinking of...
the Vatican Assassin
- (Who knows, he might even
respond to you)
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