Ask The Vatican
Assassin (Wringing My Hands in Birmingham)
Got a problem? Well, your
worries are over: We here at Shaking Through World Headquarters have an expert
in the field of "problem-solving." When he’s not busy carrying on the noble
tradition of the Knights Templar (“God’s Green Berets”) -- snuffing out world
leaders, dispatching demons and generally saving the world like a long-haired,
street-smart James Bond -- Vatican Assassin spends his free time indulging his
every hedonistic whim, which gets him into lots of trouble. Who better to dole
out helpful advice to the lovelorn, conflicted and confused?
Posted: September 22, 2003
Vatican Assassin: I like Shaking Through, and you seem like an
observant guy, so hopefully you can help to ease my mind. Here's my
situation: I'm a germophobe. I hate shaking hands with other guys, I hate
using public restrooms, I get violently angry when people cough around me.
In the office building where I work, all the offices share one set of
bathrooms on each floor. Well, on my floor, the men's bathroom is right
across from this insurance agency where a lot of hot girls work. And as
you can probably guess, I go to the men's bathroom to wash my hands
several times a day. I mean a LOT. And not your typical
three-seconds-under-a-trickling-stream, either. I am a VERY thorough
washer. It's not uncommon for me to take far longer to make sure my hands
are clean than it takes for other guys to come in, do their business, and
leave (often WITHOUT washing their hands, I might add). I've actually
taken some pretty fierce ribbing from the guys in my office about this,
but I don't care about that. The hot girls in the insurance office,
however, that's a different story. Do I need to mention that the office
has this huge glass partition and you can see inside? Bottom line is, I
spend a LOT of time in the bathroom, and I'm worried that the receptionist
(whose desk practically faces the men's bathroom) and the other girls will
notice this and think that I'm always, you know, taking my time doing
Number Two. This is not the case at all. I'm not spending five or ten
minutes doing Number Two, I'm just washing my hands.
My question is, is there some kind of subtle way to relay this fact
to the receptionist and any other girls who might notice me walking out of
the men's room? I mean, I wouldn't want them to associate me with bodily
functions, you know? You ever try talking to a girl who looks at you and
thinks "Number Two"? How do I let them know that I'm just very clean, and
Looking forward to your response,
Wringing My Hands in Birmingham
Okay, let me see if I have this straight: You're an obviously
unmedicated germophobe working in a highly populated public building.
What's more, your fears make you appear to be antisocial and possibly
potentially postal. And now you're worried that the hot girls in
another office are afraid you're taking too long in the restroom doing a
dump? Lord Almighty, man, you've got BIGGER problems than what the hot
insurance girls are thinking! How about what every single person who
encounters you thinks? You don't like shaking hands; you get violently
angry when people cough around you; you mutter to yourself when someone
doesn't wash their hands. Can I ask you a question? Is your manifesto
single- or double-spaced?
Man, you are the guy they talk about at the water cooler because they
saw the late breaking story on CNN the night before. "Heard about that guy
who's locked up in his office with all the hostages? Heard a sniper took
him out. One shot to the dome. Never saw it coming." "Yeah, they were
saying he was kind of a loner. Never socialized with people...was prone to
violent outbursts...Sheesh! What a freak..." You are completely clueless
to the big picture, my friend. and until you adjust your ears to improve
your horizontal and vertical reception, you're in for a longer, lonelier
haul than you realize. You see, it's not women who are thinking you're
weird because of your actions; it's everyone.
So you want to know what to do about the receptionist, or any other
girl who sees you go into the bathroom for a long time? You want to know
how you can let them know that you're just very clean and available?
Here's how: Get the medication you need. Period. What you have is a more
serious condition than delusion. It's called OCD, and boy, do you need to
get serious help. Your germ problem is going to prevent anyone from seeing
you as normal; just ask Howard Hughes. How long before you're wearing
masks like Jack-O and Kleenex boxes on your feet? Get a grip, man!
(Not to mention: Dude, you think you're worried about germs now, how
are you going to react to kissing a girl, let alone when and if you get to
Home Plate with her? They call it "swapping spit" for a reason, my friend.
Ever thought about how many germs are being transferred during the
You want girls to know the truth about you, that you're a nice, clean
guy? Get the help you need. Then approach the receptionist, or
whoever, and ask her out. Your actions will show that you're a nice, clean
guy, which right now they don't. Right now your actions only foretell how
people will eulogize you while the local news films your covered carcass
being carted away on a gurney: "He was a quiet guy...kept to himself,
really." If you're so worried about other people's perceptions of you, ask
yourself if that's the one you want to leave them with.
The real sweet part about all this is that if you bothered to take the
blinders off for a moment, you'd see that what you think other
people think isn't even close to the truth of what they really do
think. Here's a newsflash for you: If I had to guess, I'd say those girls
in the insurance office don't give a second thought to your constant
bathroom trips, let alone the amount of time you spend in there. However,
since you want to call attention to it, I'd guess that they don't think
you're in there doing Number 2. Nope, they're looking at you and thinking,
"Number 3. He goes into that bathroom and masturbates," and getting
grossed out by THAT image, brother. How's THAT for a scary thought,
since you're already compounding your paranoia anyway?
How do you spell relief? T-H-O-R-A-Z-I-N-E...
the Vatican Assassin
- (Who knows, he might even
respond to you)
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