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Ask The Vatican Assassin (Crapped Out and Confused)

Got a problem? Well, your worries are over: We here at Shaking Through World Headquarters have an expert in the field of "problem-solving." When he’s not busy carrying on the noble tradition of the Knights Templar (“God’s Green Berets”) -- snuffing out world leaders, dispatching demons and generally saving the world like a long-haired, street-smart James Bond -- Vatican Assassin spends his free time indulging his every hedonistic whim, which gets him into lots of trouble. Who better to dole out helpful advice to the lovelorn, conflicted and confused?

Posted: March 13, 2003

Editor's Note: This correspondent's letter is reprinted here exactly as we received it, with all of its spelling, grammatical and other errors intact. In the future, any such letters sent to Shaking Through will be ignored. If you've got a computer, you've likely got spell check, people. We're trying to run a professional operation here. So why does this guy get a free pass? Two reasons. One, because the horrendous state of his letter adds some perspective into his mind-set (this excuse will only work this one time). Two, to serve as an example of the kind of letter we will not publish from this day forth. -- Kevin Forest Moreau, Grammar Pope

Hey Vatican Assassin,

Ok, I have a theroy that at my age(15) I am most likely unable and not mature enough to find a boyfriend girlfriend relationship dealy that can actually provied a real mental connection. (That is basically im not going to be able to feel in love for real for a pritty long time.) What confuses me is that im friggen horny, and if sex and sexuallity is suposed to go hand in hand with mental relationships. Then why are there people(teens) that are unable to do these together? Its not fair, you kno. I mean we should at least be able to have some sort of mutual understanding between all the confused teens in the world that the best we can do is a good physical relationship! Well i kno i haven't realy asked a real question yet so i guess what im asking is if teens realy arent capeable of real love and real relationships, then why are our brains wired to try and find them? Also i am wondering about your answer to another guys question. On december 2, 2002 you answered Swooning in Somerville's question on how to get this girl that he liked at work. (you said "So here's a trick. How about the next time she goes prattling on about how she wants a "nice" guy, why don't you roll your eyes and ask her point blank: What qualities should this guy have? If she starts rambling on, as I figure she will, and list all the qualities you feel you possess, that's when you have to show her through example how you are that guy, yet she hasn't gone out with you. At this point, and I feel like John Madden with his clicker pen, she will shoot you down with the most dreaded of all excuses: She Likes You Like As A Friend. Now on my planet, relationships are supposed to be founded on friendship. You can quote me on that if you like. Here's the best part: You get to tell her that the reason her little brow is wrinkled in confusion is because she just said what she wanted, you just pointed out to her that you are what she wanted, and she turned you down. Reason: It's not what she wanted. She just thinks it is. Then, and only then, can you walk away from this person and get on with your life. For the record: We only get treated like shit by people because we let them do it to us, not because they are jerks or jerkettes.") [btw i thought that was some of the best internet given advice i have read in a long time] What confused me is that you basically told him what to do about it, except you told him how to move on from her. Not how to get her. So could you elaberate on that and explain the plan for how to "get her"? 'cause im basically going through the same problem.

-craped out and confused

Dear Craped.
Craped. Creped? Crapped? Now I'm the one who's confused. Let's start over then.

Dear Needs Spell Check,

Where do I begin? I don't know if I'm more stunned that I have an alleged 15 year old 'fan' or that this alleged 15 year old fan thinks I've dispensed some of the best Internet advice he's ever read. How long have you been reading Internet advice columns? Sheesh, has the Internet even been around long enough for you to have read them? Don't your parents have filters to weed out that kind of liberal filth? First and foremost, you need to spell check your work before you send it to me, and compose your letter with a concise and clear question (after all, you're writing for advice, and I'm still not clear what your exact advice-seeking question is). Also, you need to slap your teacher for passing you before you were ready. Anyway, this is a lot to sort through. Let's see how evolved I am then, shall we?

You wonder why a teen's brain is wired to try and find relationships, and bring up some points of sex and sexuality being hand in hand with mental relationships. Well here's the scoop, and believe me if The-Powers-That-Be ask you how you learned of this secret before your deathbed confession, I'll deny everything. It has NOTHING to do with you being a teenager. In fact, you will continue to look for relationships through college and even well into your first and second marriages. Simply put, the myth of humans mating for life is like the myth of the Thin Elvis. Sure, some of us might dimly recall what he looked like when he was thin, but all we get are cloudy visions. Yet you look at pictures of him thin and no light comes on. You can remember him as Fat Vegas Elvis. Sad, but true. It's like a rumour you've heard whispered: "You know, Elvis used to be skinny." But you never actually experienced it, and when you see the proof in front of you, your mind can't fully accept the truth.

That's the way it is with humans mating for life. It's a myth. There is less than 2% of the animal kingdom that mates for life. Males and females are always ALWAYS looking. As long as we have hormones, we will be subconsciously driven to look. Why? To procreate. That's what mammals do. Period. That's where your theories of sexuality come in and confuse you further. You see, we humans, with our purported higher-working brains, tend to over-complicate even the most basic of tasks. True, the orgasm is 90% mental, and the more attracted, mentally, you are to your partner, the more you forgive physically. That's another secret we possess. If we didn't, we'd never be able to look at one another naked when it's time to get nekkid. So to wrap up this part of your question: Why do you look for relationships? Because you're human. And humans are never satisfied. The ones that say they are are lying to you or waiting for the next comet to pass so they can report back in to their mother ship. Think I'm too harsh? Well, do the math. Pythagoras would even agree: All marriages have a 50/50 chance of success or failure. 50% odds. Why? Because 2 "adults" are involved, each bringing into it their 50% of effort to make it work. If one stops trying it fails because if one could do it alone, then they wouldn't need two lines at the bottom of the marriage license. True, some can make it work, but only through great and constant effort, God bless 'em. But any of them that tell you it wasn't and isn't a LOT of HARD work, well, I'd start looking for Lucifer's hand up their puppet butt pulling some strings.

Now then. You say you're confused that I gave Swooning In Somerville advice on how to get over and not how to get and you want to know how to get, correct? I hope so, 'cuz that's how I'm answering it. I didn't tell Swooning how to get because there's only ONE way to do that, and Civil Liberties and Law Enforcement frown on it. It's called the ol' Club-'Em-In-The-Head-And-Drag-'Em-Back-To-Your-Cave Method. Works peachy here in some parts of the Southern United States, and into South America. (I wonder if the intensity has something to do with proximity to the Equator?) In any case, the name alone should tell you why it's NOT a viable option. So why did I tell him how to get over rather than get? Because, if my facetiousness wasn't clear a second ago, then the puppet version you get. It's because there is NO WAY to get someone to like you. If there was, I wouldn't be in business writing advice columns; I'd be slingin' hash on the Piccadilly line with Anne Landers and Dear Abby. So instead of lying to him. I gave him what he NEEDED. The method to deal with what was coming: Getting told "No" by someone you care about. Because once that dream is dashed and that person falls from the pedestal you've put them on, your mind reels, and desperately tries to affix some reason to it. To try and rationalize an irrational situation. It's at that point that most people just go back and shoot them and everyone in the vicinity before turning the gun on themselves. No, I opt for reality, and by that I mean that if you see the person for what and how they truly are, and I mean take off your beer goggles and look at them, and what's more important accept them as just another fucked up human with issues like yourself, then you can deal with the rejection a lot better. Stop trying to find blame. The blame lies in that you're both just two fucked up humans who can't get passed their issues enough to work out their problems. Hence how we as an "evolved" species over-complicate even the simplest of tasks. (Note how I so cleverly tied that back in to my earlier train of thoughts.)

You want to find donut? Call a cop. You want to find out about love? Write a sarcastic advice columnist.

VA

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