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Ask The Vatican Assassin (It's All Geek to Me)

Got a problem? Well, your worries are over: We here at Shaking Through World Headquarters have an expert in the field of "problem-solving." When he’s not busy carrying on the noble tradition of the Knights Templar (“God’s Green Berets”)--snuffing out world leaders, dispatching demons and generally saving the world like a long-haired, street-smart James Bond--Vatican Assassin spends his free time indulging his every hedonistic whim, which gets him into lots of trouble. Who better to dole out helpful advice to the lovelorn, conflicted and confused?

Posted: October 11, 2002

Yo Vatican Assassin!

This one's an oldie but a goodie. Here's my story: I work in a comic book store, I'm slightly overweight, I wear glasses...heck, go ahead and say it: I'm a geek. Trouble is, I work with a girl...let's call her "Princess Mononoke," since she's a big anime nut...she's the very definition of gorgeous. Sparkling eyes, freckles everywhere (God, I love freckles), cute, smart, nice curves in the right places. And by virtue of working in a comic book store and liking anime and all, well, she seems...attainable.

Except she's not. She's dating the store owner, Tom, who opened the store with a huge cash settlement he got when his parents died a couple of years ago. He's not Donald Trump, but he's not hurting for funds, knowmsayin'?

He's a good 10 years my senior, and definitely a good 15 more than PM.

Don't get me wrong: I might be a little jealous of his shop, his money, his girlfriend, but he runs a good store, and he knows his stuff. I like him a lot.

But he's cheating on her. Some nights after closing when I'm sitting in the gaming area with my friends for a little after-hours game of Magic: The Gathering, I've seen him come in with some hottie and head upstairs to the office. More than one hottie, actually, although not, as far as I can tell, at the same time. PM doesn't know. She's closer in age to me (she's still in college), so she's still young and impressionable.

The question is: Should I tell her, and break her heart? Or am I only asking because I'm jealous? Would telling her help or hurt my chances? I don't know what to do, but as I might have mentioned, she's friggin' gorgeous, and it's torture working next to her a couple days a week, knowing this secret that could make a difference in how she feels about me. What do I do?

Signed,

Kicker of Hobbits

P.S. Read Mathilda. Interesting...

Yo, Kicker of Hobbits:

This can't be a real person, can it? I mean, I want to drop to one knee and thank my employer for blessing me with this letter, but my naturally suspicious nature makes me think you're pulling my leg. I mean, you have to be some sort of drunken hallucination of mine, or someone I know trying to mess with me. You couldn't possibly be real. Seriously, you're like the Simpsons' Comic Book Guy come to life, and I thought he was make believe, like Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Michael Jackson having children. I just don't even know where to start. Do I start with you maybe? I mean, c'mon! First off, everyone knows a good looking smart girl would NOT be working in a comic book store. Not even part time. Secondly, it's also common knowledge on both sides of the gender fence that the one whom you think is the god or goddess is either gay, or dating someone other than you. Chances are even stronger that the significant other is probably an enemy of yours in some way.

If you can tear yourself away from the Dr. Who marathon for a minute, I'll tell you where you're going wrong. You see, the reason your 'boss' is scoring is most likely because he knows when and how to take off his friggin' Obi-Wan bathrobe and talk to her about real things. Not the crap that you think is real life, like "Who would win in a fight, Batman or Wolverine?," or plot dissections of the latest installment of Fluffy Bunny FukFuk (or whatever anime you're into these days), or taking her back to your place to show her how many different Magic decks you can make. I mean, look at you: Does your driver's license picture show you in your Star Trek uniform? When people say goodbye to you, do you respond with "Live Long and Prosper," complete with the Vulcan hand salute? (And you're calling yourself "Kicker of Hobbits" no less! God, does it ever end?!)

You need to look hard at yourself in your mirror and ask "What in the F am I doing?" Look, you want to be a geek with little to no social skills then that's fine with me. If you're good with it, then hey, you're at a level of personal self-acceptance that few ever achieve, let alone admit. HOWEVER: Know your role. You have to see the big picture. Let me put it to you in terms "Magic: the Gathering" players can understand: Your boss has got more in his deck than you, which is where you're losing. You're a stereotype, he's a stereotype -- but his model comes with more options. He probably drinks beer, watches sports -- you know, has broader horizons, and I don't mean like your belly. If you can't offer any more than what you have, then for you, my friend, the pickings will be slim, and I use the word slim figuratively. Chances are you'll have to settle for the female version of yourself, whom you'll probably meet at a science fiction or comic book convention, wearing a stretched version of a Sailor Moon outfit no less. Love at first sight.

So you want to know what to do about this 'secret' you hold? Well, you yourself said that she's still 'young and impressionable,' so let's get rid of that shit right now and introduce her to the cold hard world that exists on the other side of that Dungeon Master's screen. Tell her. Tell her what you've seen. Tell her how you feel while you're at it. Then she'll start seeing the world as the fucked up place that it is. What's more, she more than likely will become obsessed with your boss, hoping to change him, and even fooling herself into feeling deeper feelings for him than actually exist. Boy, wouldn't that just drive you nuts. Especially after your boss fires you for fucking up all his action and causing him drama, and you have to hear information on the situation from third-hand parties, or when you're peeking into the store with nose pressed to the window. This scenario seems to resolve your issues of the "torture working next to her a couple days a week, knowing this secret" as well as if it would "help or hurt" your nonexistent chances. Lie to me if you must, but don't try to fool yourself. You're not asking for my help -- if you even exist. If you were really wrestling with the moral dilemma you paint here, you wouldn't have asked me for my help. Hell yes, you want to tell her, because you're jealous and you hope it helps your nonexistent chances.

My advice? Don't interfere in anyone else's business. Unless you're going back in time to kill Hitler as a baby, or stop KISS from recording their disco albums, maybe a few other justifiable exceptions. For crying out loud, Frodo, what right do you have to interfere in affairs, pun intended, that don't concern you? None. That's right. No right. Meaning you're doing it for your own selfish reasons, or rather looking to me or someone else to justify your selfish tactics. Nothing doing, pal.

So I say don't do it. But I think you are gonna do it, despite what I, your friends, your family, and your Magic 8Ball tell you, thus causing your life to tank quicker than Speed 2. But if you do, you can't say I haven't warned you of the shite hurricane that will engulf your life. I sure I hope I hear about it in all its gory detail so I can do my patented "I Told You So" taunting dance. However, I'm sure instead of a letter, I'll be reading about it in the local paper or on a National News Break.

You have failed your saving throw versus sound advice, sarcasm and belittling criticism. Hold your character sheet up to my lit Aim-N-Flame, please...

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