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Ask The Vatican Assassin (Restless in Fresno)

Got a problem? Well, your worries are over: We here at Shaking Through World Headquarters have an expert in the field of "problem-solving." When he’s not busy carrying on the noble tradition of the Knights Templar (“God’s Green Berets”)--snuffing out world leaders, dispatching demons and generally saving the world like a long-haired, street-smart James Bond--Vatican Assassin spends his free time indulging his every hedonistic whim, which gets him into lots of trouble. Who better to dole out helpful advice to the lovelorn, conflicted and confused?

Posted: March 5, 2002

Dear Assassin,

I need some advice. Actually, more than advice I need a swift kick to the head, but that can wait for your response.

I have been in an exclusive relationship for more than a couple years now, and deep down, I am unhappy. This person (let's call them Pat) is really a kind and giving person, if rather passive-aggressive, and basically hasn't much of a spine.

You see, I tend to get into relationships with folks that I am initially very attracted to, but after a while, I lose interest. This may be because they tend to be pushovers, and I lose respect for them within a matter of months, or perhaps because I am a restless spirit, always needing something new and fresh. Maybe both. Regardless, I usually continue on with them, futilely hoping I will regain my enthusiasm, but I never do.

The two people that I wanted most in my life, kept me rapt for the duration of the relations, although they didn't last long. These two were strong, independent folks, like myself, but, perhaps because I was so overjoyed and enthusiastic about being with the likes of them, they left me. (Or perhaps for reasons I will never know.)

How can I find my middle-ground? I am sure you will give me sound advice.


Restless in Fresno

Dear Restless In Fresno,

Now, I'm all about putting boots to people's heads. However, in your case I'm afraid there are already too many cells loose and rolling around free in there. I don't think my kick would knock anything back into place. But, having not one, but two college degrees, I'll give it the ol' college try.

First, let's clear up for the readers the definitions that you hide behind. First, Pat is a PUSSY. That's what we call them. And I apologize to all the women out there for comparing someone so detestable to something I constantly pursue and praise. Guys with no spine make me nauseous. Just make me want to kill a mother fucker for free. Miracle-Gro can't help you with your spinal deficiencies. Any guy, or girl, with no spine deserves the nights of self pity they will have for the rest of their miserable lives.

Second, you are a chicken shit, not a 'restless spirit'. You KNOW the type you're attracted to. You even SAID you know. Yet you insist on going for these spineless types. Why? Because you have 100% control. Yes. With 100% control, then you run ZERO risk of them leaving or hurting you. And that is what it boils down to. You don't want to be hurt. You don't want to be left alone. You don't need new math to figure this out. The two that you did like + they had spines = they left. The spineless ones + the ones you lose interest in after about 3 or 4 months (I'm guessing) = they stay.

You lose respect for them for the same reasons I do. It's disgusting. The co-dependency is repulsing. Yet you are secure from the pain of breaking up and loneliness. You know, the stuff you hear about all of us norms going through. That's because we're not afraid to stick our necks out there and take the risks. Or rather, we are afraid, but we take the risk anyway. You are secure by going out with the spineless masses because their inherent spinelessness prevents their grapefruit from dropping and them telling you to go fuck your selfish ass. They have to stay. They'll die if you leave them. That puts you in total control. That also makes you a chicken shit, because you are afraid to admit that you are afraid.

What's more, you're afraid to take your lumps like the rest of us do. Instead you want to hide behind the title of 'restless spirit' to describe your inability to go for the type you really want. This, in my book, makes you selfish and a coward. Mainly because you seem to repeat this pattern and repeat it OFTEN, where you come out scot-free and another person gets crushed because you are afraid to take chances like everyone else. I may detest the spineless, but I also equally detest those that harm innocents for their own selfish needs.

Now, let's say for the sake of argument you are truly a 'restless spirit'. Then, in this case, there's nothing wrong. Except for the fact that you will be inherently alone for the rest of your life. And when you get bored with whomever you are with and have set their used husk out on the doorstep for the milk man to pick up, you will be alone until you find the next fool. That is what 'free spirits' do. They have no roots. Don't expect them to. No matter who you are, they will lose interest as soon as the next sparkly object comes into view. This is for one of two reasons. 1) They are cowards afraid to face the pains of love or 2) They have their shit so together that they realize what we all should: You don't NEED anyone. You simply WANT someone. You're born alone. You die alone. And these 'restless spirits' are comfortable with being alone. So as soon as someone wants more than they are capable of giving it's see ya! At least this way, you have nothing to apologize for. Especially if you are up front and honest with anyone before they get involved. It 's just the way you are, you don't settle down for life, and anyone looking for that in you can keep on walking.

Now to sum up your expressed troubles, you have two options. Ditch Pat and go after whom you really want. Take the risks like everyone else does. The risks of failure. The risks of being alone. Because I would have more respect for someone who's willing to take their lumps than someone who's not. In the long run, you might, too. OR you can continue to repeat the pattern you're in, remain miserable, continue to crush others feelings just so you can protect yours, and stay this way until you die. Hey, it's okay to be afraid; to be hurt. No one likes it. I have yet to find a person who wakes up saying "Man! She crushed my heart today! Oh what a wonderful day!!" And if I ever do meet that person, I will personally kneel them down and shift their brain out and to the front and on the wall for them. No one likes to be hurt, but hey, it's that pain that reminds us we're alive. Better to regret something you've done than something you haven't done. Me, even though a lot of bitches have nailed my soul to the wall, and it hurt, I wouldn't change it for the world. Because I'm happy with me, and changing it may change what I am now. And I don't want that. To conquer that which we fear we must first embrace it. Then choke-slam it through the nearest table. And stop trying to get guarantees. Things will either work or they won't. The only thing you will guarantee is Murphy's Law laying it extra thick on you.

REAL life takes work. Constant, hard work. Your happiness, your career, your marriages and relationships, and a partridge in a pear tree. All of it. Stop taking the easy way out. Stop whining about how you don't want to work hard at something and just do it.

I've been through diamonds, I've been through minks, I've been through them all stinks.

Yeah, Yeah.

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