Ask The Vatican
Assassin (Restless in Fresno)
Got a problem? Well, your
worries are over: We here at Shaking Through World Headquarters have an expert
in the field of "problem-solving." When he’s not busy carrying on the noble
tradition of the Knights Templar (“God’s Green Berets”)--snuffing out world
leaders, dispatching demons and generally saving the world like a long-haired,
street-smart James Bond--Vatican Assassin spends his free time indulging his
every hedonistic whim, which gets him into lots of trouble. Who better to dole
out helpful advice to the lovelorn, conflicted and confused?
I need some advice. Actually, more than advice I need a swift kick
to the head, but that can wait for your response.
I have been in an exclusive relationship for more than a couple
years now, and deep down, I am unhappy. This person (let's call them Pat)
is really a kind and giving person, if rather passive-aggressive, and
basically hasn't much of a spine.
You see, I tend to get into relationships with folks that I am
initially very attracted to, but after a while, I lose interest. This may
be because they tend to be pushovers, and I lose respect for them within a
matter of months, or perhaps because I am a restless spirit, always
needing something new and fresh. Maybe both. Regardless, I usually
continue on with them, futilely hoping I will regain my enthusiasm, but I
The two people that I wanted most in my life, kept me rapt for the
duration of the relations, although they didn't last long. These two were
strong, independent folks, like myself, but, perhaps because I was so
overjoyed and enthusiastic about being with the likes of them, they left
me. (Or perhaps for reasons I will never know.)
How can I find my middle-ground? I am sure you will give me sound
Restless in Fresno
Dear Restless In Fresno,
Now, I'm all about putting boots to people's heads. However, in your
case I'm afraid there are already too many cells loose and rolling around
free in there. I don't think my kick would knock anything back into place.
But, having not one, but two college degrees, I'll give it the ol' college
First, let's clear up for the readers the definitions that you hide
behind. First, Pat is a PUSSY. That's what we call them. And I apologize
to all the women out there for comparing someone so detestable to
something I constantly pursue and praise. Guys with no spine make me
nauseous. Just make me want to kill a mother fucker for free. Miracle-Gro
can't help you with your spinal deficiencies. Any guy, or girl, with no
spine deserves the nights of self pity they will have for the rest of
their miserable lives.
Second, you are a chicken shit, not a 'restless spirit'. You KNOW the
type you're attracted to. You even SAID you know. Yet you insist on going
for these spineless types. Why? Because you have 100% control. Yes. With
100% control, then you run ZERO risk of them leaving or hurting you. And
that is what it boils down to. You don't want to be hurt. You don't want
to be left alone. You don't need new math to figure this out. The two that
you did like + they had spines = they left. The spineless ones + the ones
you lose interest in after about 3 or 4 months (I'm guessing) = they stay.
You lose respect for them for the same reasons I do. It's disgusting.
The co-dependency is repulsing. Yet you are secure from the pain of
breaking up and loneliness. You know, the stuff you hear about all of us
norms going through. That's because we're not afraid to stick our necks
out there and take the risks. Or rather, we are afraid, but we take the
risk anyway. You are secure by going out with the spineless masses because
their inherent spinelessness prevents their grapefruit from dropping and
them telling you to go fuck your selfish ass. They have to stay. They'll
die if you leave them. That puts you in total control. That also makes you
a chicken shit, because you are afraid to admit that you are afraid.
What's more, you're afraid to take your lumps like the rest of us do.
Instead you want to hide behind the title of 'restless spirit' to describe
your inability to go for the type you really want. This, in my book, makes
you selfish and a coward. Mainly because you seem to repeat this pattern
and repeat it OFTEN, where you come out scot-free and another person gets
crushed because you are afraid to take chances like everyone else. I may
detest the spineless, but I also equally detest those that harm innocents
for their own selfish needs.
Now, let's say for the sake of argument you are truly a 'restless
spirit'. Then, in this case, there's nothing wrong. Except for the fact
that you will be inherently alone for the rest of your life. And when you
get bored with whomever you are with and have set their used husk out on
the doorstep for the milk man to pick up, you will be alone until you find
the next fool. That is what 'free spirits' do. They have no roots. Don't
expect them to. No matter who you are, they will lose interest as soon as
the next sparkly object comes into view. This is for one of two reasons.
1) They are cowards afraid to face the pains of love or 2) They have their
shit so together that they realize what we all should: You don't NEED
anyone. You simply WANT someone. You're born alone. You die alone. And
these 'restless spirits' are comfortable with being alone. So as soon as
someone wants more than they are capable of giving it's see ya! At least
this way, you have nothing to apologize for. Especially if you are up
front and honest with anyone before they get involved. It 's just the way
you are, you don't settle down for life, and anyone looking for that in
you can keep on walking.
Now to sum up your expressed troubles, you have two options. Ditch Pat
and go after whom you really want. Take the risks like everyone else does.
The risks of failure. The risks of being alone. Because I would have more
respect for someone who's willing to take their lumps than someone who's
not. In the long run, you might, too. OR you can continue to repeat the
pattern you're in, remain miserable, continue to crush others feelings
just so you can protect yours, and stay this way until you die. Hey, it's
okay to be afraid; to be hurt. No one likes it. I have yet to find a
person who wakes up saying "Man! She crushed my heart today! Oh what a
wonderful day!!" And if I ever do meet that person, I will personally
kneel them down and shift their brain out and to the front and on the wall
for them. No one likes to be hurt, but hey, it's that pain that reminds us
we're alive. Better to regret something you've done than something you
haven't done. Me, even though a lot of bitches have nailed my soul to the
wall, and it hurt, I wouldn't change it for the world. Because I'm happy
with me, and changing it may change what I am now. And I don't want that.
To conquer that which we fear we must first embrace it. Then choke-slam it
through the nearest table. And stop trying to get guarantees. Things will
either work or they won't. The only thing you will guarantee is Murphy's
Law laying it extra thick on you.
REAL life takes work. Constant, hard work. Your happiness, your career,
your marriages and relationships, and a partridge in a pear tree. All of
it. Stop taking the easy way out. Stop whining about how you don't want to
work hard at something and just do it.
I've been through diamonds, I've been through minks, I've been through
them all and...love stinks.
the Vatican Assassin
- (Who knows, he might even
respond to you)
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