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Ask The Vatican Assassin (Indecisive in Indiana)

Got a problem? Well, your worries are over: We here at Shaking Through World Headquarters have an expert in the field of "problem-solving." When he’s not busy carrying on the noble tradition of the Knights Templar (“God’s Green Berets”)--snuffing out world leaders, dispatching demons and generally saving the world like a long-haired, street-smart James Bond--Vatican Assassin spends his free time indulging his every hedonistic whim, which gets him into lots of trouble. Who better to dole out helpful advice to the lovelorn, conflicted and confused?

Posted: February 11, 2002

Dear Vatican Assassin,

I am in need of some relationship advice and have been told that you are the source for the honest, hard-hitting, gritty truth. I've been seeing a really intelligent, insightful man for the past few weeks-let's call him Klaus-and we have a great time together. But I find I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready to jump off the dating merry-go-round and see someone exclusively. Klaus recently emerged from a bad relationship, however, and he just isn't in the same place. I totally understand his position, though. Then there's Ron. He's ready, willing and he adores me--sends me flowers, calls every day, etc. He's sweet and attentive, but I'm just not sure how I feel about him. I don't have as much in common with him as I do with Klaus and, frankly, I guess I just never want what's easy. On the other hand, Klaus is cool and somewhat aloof, with little sentimentality or romanticism towards me while Rob is warm and open. But Rob is also 15 years my junior, something that concerns me, and given his age, is most likely prone to wild flights of fancy. Vatican Assassin, what advice can you give me? Should I choose one over the other or should I ditch them both in hopes that the perfect mate will fall from the sky?


Indecisive in Indiana

Dear Indecisive:

What you are in need of is some hard hitting all right. Right upside your head. Maybe it will clear your vision, wake you up or knock some much-needed sense into you. I know it would definitely make me feel better.

First off let's look at the REAL problem here: YOU. YOU don't know what you want, other than to have your cake and eat it too. YOU seem to feel you have some kind of life if there is drama and turmoil and conflict in it. Heck, YOU even admit it. "... and frankly, I guess I just never want what's easy." The fact that YOU even admit to YOU having an encouraged problem here between two men supports my opinion that YOU just have no clue what YOU want but are willing to cause yourself inner turmoil as well as drag someone else's life down with YOU. Who should you choose? Neither.

Why? Cuz ya ain't ready.

You see, it's girls (AND guys, so wipe that arrogant smirk off your face, fellas) like you that make me want to kill for free. About as interesting as knee cancer. You want what you can't have, meanwhile ignore the one who wants you and in the whole mix wind up destroying three peoples' lives.

How? Glad you asked. FIRST: Yours because you will never have what you want because you don't know what that is, only when you are told you can't have it do you want it. So you will sit and pine for 'Klaus' moping about how perfect you are for each other. SECOND: 'Ron's' because you will use him as your shoulder to cry on I am sure, because he will give you the support 'Klaus' doesn't want to give you because you might just be too confused. Sort of like the pit bull who just doesn't know which little kid to maul first. And he will do the same for you that you are doing for 'Klaus' all the while hoping you come around. Then there is finally 'Klaus,' whose life will be forever damaged when he finds himself in a courtroom telling the judge just how his pet rabbit wound up in that boiling pot of water anyway.

Here's the facts: 'Klaus' doesn't want to settle down. He's even told you, (which, by the way, is more than you've let 'Ron' in on, dear). So, STOP trying to get him to. 'Ron' you know likes you, but you don't in the same way, so TELL him NOW before it gets worse for him and you. Stop using him as your emotional fix when 'Klaus' can't come through for your overly confused needy ass. At least I can give 'Klaus' props in the effect that he's at least doing what makes him happy, trying to live life for the moment and not obsessing over the details and writing me. However, he loses points for the stupid name. (And by the way, age doesn't matter when it's 'True Love'. Just ask Jerry Lee Lewis....)

And if you think the perfect mate is just going to fall out of the sky, then you need to turn off your Disney movies and wake up, because your popcorn is burning. Perfection is something reserved for gods, and a lot of people would agree with me that even that is questionable nowadays. Love finds you, you never find it. Especially when you go out looking for it. Hollywood lied, baby. Sorry to break that to you. Love is a beautiful creature that swoons you into trusting it, then reveals its ugly underside to you with an unexpected, violent punch in the balls once you've let your guard down. Love is overrated. Love does not make the world go round. And I would've had more respect for Chapman if he'd said that he shot Lennon because John was lying to everyone; love is not all you need. Instead, he did it for a girl that didn't want him and never would. Sound familiar?

(Love is all you need, I guess, when you've sold millions of records and you've run out of things to spend your green on. However, I think Neil Diamond would argue that point in a court of law. Oh wait, he did. And he lost. So did Stevie Wonder. Wow. Bet they thought they had found the perfect mates. I also bet their yam bags are REALLY smarting now. Cue my smug grin.)

Sorry if the truth hurts like a first prison date, but there it is. Life isn't about who you are dating exclusively or not. It should be defined by what you do, who you are, and how you live. Period. And you obviously don't see this and neither does 'Ron'. 'Klaus' looks like he may be close to solving the puzzle if he buys a couple more vowels. Get your act together first before involving someone else in it. Eliminate all that does not fit into your plan, especially if they tell you that they don't fit into it. Don't waste your time trying to change what is unchangeable, because if you do you'll either wake up seeing what and who you missed in life, and start sizing your mouth for the perfect fit only a 9mm can give you, or you'll be drying your tears with your own copy of his restraining order.

Go Hoosiers.

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