Ask The Vatican
Assassin (Troubled in Toronto)
Got a problem? Well, your
worries are over: We here at Shaking Through World Headquarters have an expert
in the field of "problem-solving." When he’s not busy carrying on the noble
tradition of the Knights Templar (“God’s Green Berets”) -- snuffing out world
leaders, dispatching demons and generally saving the world like a long-haired,
street-smart James Bond -- Vatican Assassin spends his free time indulging his
every hedonistic whim, which gets him into lots of trouble. Who better to dole
out helpful advice to the lovelorn, conflicted and confused?
Posted: October 31,
Dear Vatican Assassin,
I'm a sophomore in college and I've been dating a boy (let's call him "Eric
Johnson") for about eight months. We really hit it off, and about two
months ago, we moved into an apartment together. It seemed like the right thing
to do at the time, but ever since we signed the lease, he's been a bit more
distant, sometimes staying out with his friends all night without even telling
me where he's going or what he's doing. When we are together, more often than
not we sit on the couch and watch TV; he doesn't even seem interested in me
anymore. When I called him on it, he shrugged and said we were just in a
transition period, that it happens to a lot of couples.
But it gets worse. I recently went away for a week, to attend a family wedding
in another city (Eric stayed home). On the day I returned home, Eric was at
work. As I unpacked, I found a few strands of long blonde hair in his hairbrush
(I'm a blonde; Eric has black hair). Vatican Assassin, I have never used his
hairbrush. I also found a box of condoms tucked deep in one of his bathroom
drawers, a 12-pack with only two condoms left in it. I'd never seen this box
before, and it's a completely different brand from the kind we normally use.
Most disturbingly, I found a pair of black bikini briefs crumpled in a heap on
the floor (Eric has worn boxers his entire life). When Eric got home, I asked
him about the briefs, then about the hairbrush. He told me the briefs were his,
and got very defensive when I mentioned the blonde hairs. He insisted they must
be mine, and then turned it around and got angry with me for supposedly using
his hairbrush, and stormed out.
Vatican Assassin, I suspect Eric has been cheating on me. Every time I try to
bring up the hair or the briefs he gets angry and storms out again. What should
I do? Or am I just crazy?
Troubled in Toronto
Dear Troubled in Toronto,
We must be related, because I'm troubled as well. Troubled
by the fact that you must be monumentally naive.
Now since you asked for my opinion, here it is:
He's LYING. Big time. Let's be real. Wouldn't you notice if
he'd switched condom brands on you? And the briefs. Since when can you buy ONE
pair? And did they even look like they would fit his unshaven ass? If so, then
you gotta wonder about a guy who can fit into his girlfriend's underwear
comfortably. And if they are his (as he says) buy him some more. See what he
My first impression is always that someone's story is
always peppered with just enough half-truths to paint a better picture of
themselves. So I'm sure I'm not getting the whole story here. But based off what
you say: I'd scream in his face: LIAR!! And even if he isn't, well he
certainly needs to get his fat ass off the couch and start paying more attention
to you and his end of the relationship responsibilities.
Here's a suggestion: Kick him out. Whoah, who said THAT?!
If you both signed the lease, then it's safe for you to kick his uninterested
ass to the curb. If he shows up later ,disheveled and tattered, looking to come
back to you and that he's sorry: Close the door. Lock it, too. You'll find out
soon enough if he's been seeing someone else because that's where he'll probably
go in order to stay somewhere for the night. If there is no one else, than it's
still for the best because if you two had any success at this in the past it was
because you didn't live together and actually had to make time to see each
Here's another news flash: He isn't fulfilling your needs.
These are the things you hope to find out before you walk down any aisles, so
consider yourself lucky. It means that you two let complacency win out, or
rather he did, which is the death knell for any relationship, marriage or
otherwise. It takes two people, not one and certainly not three, to make a
The facts here are muddier than the Mississippi, but that
doesn't change some fundamental principles: If you ain't happy with the present
situation, then Amityville was right: You need to get out of the house.
Regardless of whether what you suspect is true or not, it boils down to you
being happy. Period. If you're not happy, then YOU need to affect those changes,
not anyone else. Including advice columnists.
the Vatican Assassin
- (Who knows, he might even
respond to you)
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