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Head Rush

Crank Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor, USA, 2006 Rating: 3.1

Posted: September 6, 2006

By Vincenzo

I’ll give you this: Crank is one visually clever flick. That is, if you can get past the title credit, which is basically a pulsating red-and-orange screen with “Crank” written at the top in the kind of computer lettering that was considered high-tech back when Space Invaders was the pinnacle of video-game technology. Beneath it there’s a beating heart that doesn’t look much more realistic than one of those invaders themselves. Come to think of it, the first five or ten minutes aren’t that hot, either.

But after that, the visuals begin to pick up. You get a random shot of a bird’s heart beating inside its chest; you get film of turtles going at it inexplicably projected onto the ceiling of a public restroom; you even get a funny shot of the main character reading another character’s subtitled speech -- only it’s from the point of view of the guy who’s speaking, so the subtitle is in reverse. Like I said, really witty stuff, even if it doesn’t really make a lot of sense.

Too bad you can’t really say that about the script. I was interested in Crank because I liked the star, Jason Statham, in Transporter 2, even if it did seem a little too closely modeled after my own life. And the flick also has an intriguing set-up: Statham plays Chev Chelios (C’mon now -- Chev? What the hell is up with that name?), a hit man for a West Coast crime syndicate who’s been injected with some bizarre Chinese drug by this annoying Oriental gang-banger. Turns out ol’ Chev (damn, every time I type it I’m reminded of how stupid it is) did something to piss off his bosses, and this is payback. (Maybe it was stealing the last name of the great Detroit Red Wings player Chris Chelios and sticking “Chev” in front of it, for all I know.)

He’s told he’s got about an hour to live, so he rushes off to exact as much revenge as he can -- and to keep the bad guys from perpetrating foul deeds on his girlfriend, a hot piece of ass named Eve and played by Amy Smart, the chick who takes her top off in Road Trip. Man, this chick just oozes a kind of sleepy sex-kitten vibe throughout the movie that makes you think your johnson’s gonna turn into a steel rod, much as Chev’s does as a result of all the drugs he starts taking to jump-start his adrenaline and keep him alive.

Yeah, about that -- Turns out Chev (jeez Louise) has a good buddy who’s a doctor, played by the country singer Dwight Yoakam, who must have really needed the cash, because this is a long way from Sling Blade, if you get my meaning. Anyway, this guy clues Chev (Jesus) in that adrenaline is the only thing that will keep him alive, so he starts downing Red Bulls, taking those little energy packets they sell at convenience stores, and even shooting up epinephrine. This gives him just enough juice to track down the so-hot-it’s-not-even-remotely-funny Eve (kind of like a cuter, less annoying Kate Hudson) and stay a half-step ahead of the bad guys.

Sounds okay so far, right? Except. Except you never really care about Chev (God, what a moronic effin’ name). He’s a hard cat to sympathize with -- even if he does look a little like yours truly. I mean, he practically almost rapes Eve in front of a crowd of Chinese-American busybodies when he needs an adrenaline boost -- she’s uber-hot and all, sure, but that’s no way to treat a lady.

Plus, none of the bad guys are all that menacing -- if anything, they’re just annoying, just like Chev’s (I’m gonna hurl) sexually confused sidekick, who wears belly shirts and dances in nightclubs dressed like some reject from one of them Japanese cartoons -- what do you call ‘em, anime or something. (Man, did we ever mess those dudes up when we dropped the bomb. I mean, seriously.) The fact that this dude is played by Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite says volumes about that movie’s lack of masculinity. (I’m sorry, but if you liked Dynamite, you need a check-up down below, if you catch my drift.)

So the story starts to lose your interest, but luckily there’s enough violence to perk things up -- especially when Chev (good lord) chops off a dude’s hand. (A bit too cleanly, if you ask me, but hey, this is the movies.) Not even the choppy editing and overall amateurish feel of the movie (startling in the very beginning, less obtrusive as time goes by) undermines the physical stuff too much. Which is good, because really, that’s why we’re all here, right?

I won’t give away the ending, except to say that the filmmakers don’t take the easy cop-out. Chev (for the love of all that’s holy) doesn’t just waltz off into the sunset without paying for the ugly and violent life he’s led. His redemption feels a little false -- sure, he’s trying to make sure no one hurts Eve, which is a cause I’d lay down my own life for. But he’s also in hardcore eye-for-an-eye revenge mode, and he doesn’t mind threatening innocent civilians or crashing vehicles into heavily populated areas, endangering lots of innocent lives. (Granted, he’s on drugs, and fighting to stay alive long enough to put a world of hurt on some annoying creeps, but whatever happened to the social niceties?)

But then again, this flick wasn’t made to hold up to intense scrutiny. It’s a violent B-movie action flick, a fun matinee picture with a decent premise and enough Jolt Cola-style buzz to speed you through its gummy patches. And the directors -- never heard of ‘em, but it looks like they funded this thing with a bank loan -- do throw in some smart visual tricks, as I mentioned before. With any luck, this’ll make enough scratch so they can make another one, and hopefully hire some more menacing-looking bad guys and even a couple of script rewrites. Just bring Amy Smart back, preferably in as little as she’s willing to wear, and I’ll plop down my hard-earned bucks. Heck, get her to do a nude scene, I’ll even pay full price. And for goodness sake, give the main character a better name. What’s wrong with Vincenzo?

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