300
Zack Snyder, USA, 2007
Rating 4.9

If history has taught me one thing, it is that the pestilent onslaught of freakish hordes can only be repelled by those with a tangible understanding of freedom. Perhaps no finer example of this exists than the exploits of King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) and his 300 Spartans as they massacred wave after wave of Persian filth at the battle of Thermopylae. Some say that my stand against the local Blockbuster franchise in 1998 approaches this historic battle — alas, I was but one man who forgot to return American Ninja by its due date. Let’s just say that although I am no longer allowed in that store, I stood tall.

If you don’t know the history here, go and look it up, for it is one of the cornerstones of man’s struggle for freedom against tyranny. I am also aware that this is an adaptation of Frank Miller’s graphic novel. Ya wanna know about comic books? Then go e-mail our editor, Moreau. There’s but one item on the menu today, friends, and that is freedom: those who fought for it, and those who are crushed by its intrinsic magnificence. 300 magnifies the lines that separate men, tyrants and freakish fops. It shows a time when the lines between just and unjust were clear and when a man was defined by his actions — or lack thereof.

300 paints Leonidas as the Chuck Norris of his time. If one man embodied the ideals of the Spartan code (”No retreat, no surrender”), it was he. When Persian envoys arrive requesting a token of Sparta’s submission to Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro), Leonidas deals out an unambiguous answer by sending the envoy and his vice-freaks head-first down a deep Spartan well. You see, that’s Leonidas. Had there existed a “Don’t Fuck With Me” T-shirt in those days, he surely would have worn it. Now, Xerxes, being Xerxes, decides he will crush Sparta by unleashing millions of Persians. And because of petty Spartan politics and freakish mutant priests who refused to endorse the war, Leonidas sets out with a mere 300 soldiers to repel the foul invaders.

From a visual standpoint, 300 hits a grand slam. It’s stylized without existing merely to be stylish. The scale of the battles, the development of Leonidas the man and the demonstration of the Spartan mantra are all delivered in a first-class manner. Is this a straight historic telling? No. Nor is it meant to be. It is an embellished account of an historical event. The reason for the battle — the resistance of tyranny — is clearly portrayed, and that is one of the reasons 300 is so very appealing. At least to those who value such things. There is blood, much hacking of limbs, elephants sent tumbling off cliffs and random freaks dispatched to their deaths. Although there is no mention of it in historical accounts that I am aware of, Ephilates, a Spartan who betrayed Leonidas by showing the Persians a secret pass to flank the Spartans, is depicted here as a total freakazoid, a cross between the Hunchback of Notre Dame and the Toxic Avenger. I mean, this dude would be over-the-top even in a Hills Have Eyes flick. He is rejected by the Spartans because his misshapen body won’t allow him the dexterity needed to fight. So he seeks an audience with Xerxes and requests that he be given wealth, women, and … a uniform. He ends up with what can only be described as a befouled Merlin’s cap. I hope he got the money and the women.

As for Xerxes, he’s totally pimped out here. From his superfluous piercings to his very gay drawn-in eyebrows, my boy is all playa. He rides on a huge platform carried by slaves — who, by the way, in addition to providing propulsion, also serve as human stairs when the X-man wants to descend from his human float. I’m sure some Iranian scholars will not be pleased with this portrayal. I am also sure that there will be those who wonder why the Spartans are all cast as white, chiseled European warriors, while the Persians and their ilk are all shadowy, dark, malevolent beings. The answer here is that these extremes are used to highlight the higher battle taking place. So settle down. We all have a role to play.

While there will be those who decry the film for its excessive violence and lack of historical accuracy, there will also be those who understand what is going on and the true importance of what happened at the “Hot Gates” of Thermopylae. It is rare indeed when a film can blend history with a touch of fiction and keep one from poisoning the other. 300 succeeds not because it uses a stylistic method to tell a great story, but rather because it never forgets that there is a great story to tell. In a world of latte-guzzling, video-gaming pseudo-intellectuals, I wonder how many understand what that story is all about. Do you?

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