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Baby Jessica

Posted: October 07, 2006

By Kevin Forest Moreau, Employee of the Year

So there's a movie called Employee of the Month coming out this weekend. You've seen the commercials: It's the one with Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson. The premise is that Dane Cook's character works at a fictional big-box discount superstore -- you know, a Costco/Sam's Club clone -- and he's basically content to be a slacker until Ms. Simpson's character starts working there and inspires him to try to become employee of the month in order to win her affections. Sounds pretty cut-and-dried, right?

Except I can't relate. Here's the deal: I just don't get Jessica Simpson. I mean at all. Yeah, yeah, she's hot -- I get that. I can look at her and understand that she fits into a pretty universal "attractive female" template that works for 99.99999% of heterosexual males on the planet. Blonde hair. Tight body. Noticeable breasts. Toned legs. I see it.

But here's the thing: Individually, yes, those separate parts are nice. Yes, I can look at that famous publicity still of her as Daisy Duke in the Dukes of Hazzard movie, the one that accentuates the scientific precision of her rounded butt and the sleek curvature of her long, tanned legs, and appreciate it. I can see how, based on that photo alone, even a considerable number of gay men would probably say "I'd hit that."

But for me, the parts don't add up to a desirable whole. As nice as those legs are -- they're Jessica Simpson's legs. As nice as that butt is -- it's Jessica Simpson's butt. As nice as her rack is -- you get the idea. Most guys look at that picture and say, "I'd hit that." I look at it and what I think is, "I'd hit that -- if it weren't Jessica Simpson."

Now, don't get me wrong -- I don't have anything against Ms. Simpson personally. I don't even know her. But what I do know of her public persona, I don't like. I didn't think the ditzy-blonde act that made her so famous on that Newlyweds show was funny or appealing. Just the opposite. I saw her as young, immature, needy, slow and about as sexually desirable as a bag full of head lice.

The dumb blonde thing doesn't work for me. And ever since Newlyweds made her famous, she's amped up the sexuality, and it just feels weird and out of place. When she did that Pizza Hut commercial, walking seductively in Daisy Duke regalia as she sang some ditty that played off of Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'," I thought she looked and sounded ridiculous -- like a little girl playing dress-up, unaware how comically inept her attempt at a come-on actually was.

Let's go back to Jessica as Daisy Duke. The legs are so meticulously toned, the butt so scrupulously round, the pout so strictly calibrated that the opposite affect is achieved. It just seems obvious that she's trying too hard to look sexy -- and that's not sexy. It's kind of sad. It says, "This is my meal ticket. This is why I'm a celebrity. Eat it up. Desire me so I can continue to be famous." Sorry, but when the only thing you have going for you is the amount of hours you log in at the gym -- I'm not biting. Yes, it's a nice body, but so what? There are plenty of nice bodies out there, and a lot of them belong to women you'd actually want to spend time with.

And the whole tabloid drama over her alleged sexual dalliances hasn't helped any. I don't know how much, if any, of it is true, and I don't really care. Maybe she was doing Johnny Knoxville on the Dukes set -- for all I know, she was getting it on with Willie Nelson and Burt Reynolds at the same time, as Knoxville's Jackass cohorts lined up to take turns. Or she could have been sitting alone in her trailer every night reading the Bible, knitting booties for homeless children and leading Seann William Scott and the rest of the cast in a prayer circle. Doesn't matter. What matters is, she got famous and divorced the guy who helped her get famous, the same guy who was patient enough to wait until they got married to get her in the sack. Unless he was beating her with a baseball bat wrapped with barbed wire, it just doesn't make her look any better.

But you know, it's hard to feel sorry for Nick Lachey. He seems like a genuinely nice, down-to-earth guy, and I can certainly relate to a guy getting dumped and working through his emotions, as Nick seems to have done on his latest album, What's Left of Me. But at the same time, you have to wonder about homeboy's taste. I mean, dude, you pursued her. You're telling me you didn't see any warning signs? Sorry, man, but it doesn't compute. You're a good-looking guy, you were pretty successful for awhile there in that boy band of yours, you could have had any girl you wanted, and you chose a dim-bulb bag of issues with the horsiest horse face this side of Julia Roberts. You made your bed, man, know what I'm saying? It's like when you stick your finger in an electrical outlet: Sorry you got hurt, but what did you expect?

But then again, I don't find Pamela Anderson attractive either, and there are plenty of guys out there who'd be perfectly happy following in the sloppy footsteps of Tommy Lee and Kid Rock. And Paris Hilton -- I mean, wake up, people! It's so clear that Nicky is the hot one.

So maybe it's just me. Maybe Jessica Simpson is the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe and I'm the only one who isn't seeing it. But I've got to believe I'm not alone on this. Isn't there anyone else out there who feels the way I do? Anyone? Anyone? ... Bueller?

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