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  Lady Terminator
Jalil Jackson, Indonesia / USA, 1989
Rating: 2.5

Posted: January 14, 2005

Geez. I'm not even sure I know how to approach this. It's not everyday that I sample Indonesian exploitation flicks. I didn't even know that was a genre until L. Station gave me a copy of Lady Terminator for Christmas. Heck, I'm scared to ask where he got a copy of it.

Well, let's go ahead and break down the title shall we? There is certainly a lady in it, a hot lady at that, who totes machine guns and really hates to wear clothes. That's good. The "terminator" part, well that's easy. Except for its bizarre folklorish additions, this film is a rip-off of Ahnuld's classic, The Terminator. When I say it's a rip-off, I am not suggesting that it pays homage to the film -- oh no, my friends. I mean it rips the film off almost scene for scene. I guess MondoMacabro Productions ain't afraid of James Cameron.

The film starts off looking like a bad martial arts movie, as a wicked Queen has sex with men and then kills them by... well there's, uh, you see she's got an... uh... okay, look: There's an eel in her vagina. There, I said it. I didn't write the film people, don't hate on me! I'm just telling you what I saw. Don't kill the messenger! I presume gynecology was in its infant stages during this time. I mean, even an inexperienced doctor would probably spot an eel in there. But I digress.

Anyway, one studly dude comes along and has sex with the evil Queen, and somehow manages to prevent the eel from killing him. He then grabs the eel and it turns into a dagger of some sort. The queen curses the guy (talk about ungrateful) and vows revenge on one of his descendents (I forget which one). Many years later, an anthropologist named Tania is investigating the legend of the Queen, dives into the ocean for some reason and ends up... Oh, man, here we go again. Well, let's just say that she inherits the Queen's "curse." Remember the eel? Are you with me here, people? With a mystical eel entrenched in her nether regions, Tania sets out to find the descendant of the cursed man and begins killing everyone in her path to get to her. The details really are not important here.

"Well, hold the phone, Clemenza," I hear you saying. "So far, this doesn't sound very much like The Terminator. Or even Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines." Relax, you crumb-bums, I'm getting to that part. The Terminator rip-offs include a scene where Tania performs a little eye surgery on herself -- actually plucking her eyeball out and letting it fall into the sink just like Ahnuld did; and being shot and falling on her back with head turned and arms out, in the same pose Ahnuld struck back in 1984.

I managed to contact the producer of this film and asked him about the blatant rip-offs. He responded, "Yes, some of the scenes are similar -- but did Arnold have an eel up his ass? Our film is totally different!" I suppose he has a point. In fact, this may open up a new genre of films. Much like P. Diddy can take a song and say "oh, yeah" and "turn me up" over the lyrics and pass it off as his own, we may be witnessing a similar phenomenon where popular movies are ripped off while the main characters have eels lodged in various bodily orifices. I, for one, hope that does not happen, but I am just one man.

Anyway, with a tagline that reads, "She mates, then she terminates," I guess it's not all bad. If you can get past the eel thing, there's lots of sex and gunfire, and that's always a good thing. Is it enough to get over the film's more bizarre offerings? I honestly don't know. I'm still trying. If nothing else, Lady Terminator would be an excellent educational film to show to teenagers to discourage promiscuity. The threat of herpes is one thing, but an eel -- Damn! Okay, obviously I cannot get past it, so you'll have to check it out for yourself and render judgment. When you do, let me know the verdict.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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