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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for September 2004)

September 24, 2004

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Editor's Note: This installment of Clemenza's Random-Ass Thoughts -- or whatever this thing is called -- contains disturbing references to canine abuse, domestic violence, and creepy dudes with disproportionately hot girlfriends. Because we here at Shaking Through don't believe in censorship -- and we're pretty sure no one reads this column anyway -- we'll just remind you that the opinions and thoughts expressed herein are all Clemenza's fault, and that all angry emails should be sent directly to him. -- Pontius Pilate, Editor
 
10. How is it that Cat "Peace Train" Stevens is on a no-fly list and yet '80s one-hit wonder Taco of "Puttin' on the Ritz" infamy is allowed to infiltrate the U.S. with impunity?
 
09. The past month in South Carolina, a man attempted to rob a bank with a rusty pitchfork. His disguise was a white shirt, black hat, and long beard. After attempting to remove the beard, police discovered that it was not, in fact, a disguise, but an Amish dude who went berserk after he heard through the grapevine that Britney Spears got married again.
 
08. Another winner in Florida decided that since he could not find a home for some puppies, the only logical thing to do would be to shoot them. Somewhere in the midst of the massacre, one pup was able to put his paw on the trigger of the gun and shoot the would-be dog killer. If this is not proof that Darwin was right, I don't know what is.
 
07. Since we're on the topic of dogs, another wizard in Utah was charged with killing a dog with a sword. In all fairness, the dog did pull a gun on him first, but unlike his brother in Florida, his paw was not fast enough on the trigger. This flies in the face of conventional wisdom, which says never bring a knife to a gunfight, unless it's a dog who has the gun. Because since the dog doesn't have prehensile thumbs, it'll usually take him a minute to figure out how to use it. I'm just saying!
 
06. We can all be thankful that President Clinton is recovering normally from his bypass surgery. The doctors assured him that he'd be able to make lecherous advances on young women in no time.
 
05. I join several others in calling for an end to Creepy Looking Guys Who Have Super-Hot Girlfriends. It's not right. I can't help but feel a bit discouraged when I sit alone in a dank basement with the latest issue of Maxim magazine while Verne Troyer is having a three-way with Brazilian super models.
 
04. Say what you want about the ancient Vikings, but they did not take shit from anyone!
 
03. In regards to recent gas prices, the heads of the major oil corporations got together to issue the following statement: "You got cars. They need gas. You don't know how to make gas. We do. Ergo, you're pretty much screwed." Man, talk about bottom-line dudes!
 
02. Russ Meyer is dead. He was a pioneer in the world of sleazy B-movies filled with buxom, naked lesbians. My fondest wish is that when I die, I might have achieved even a fraction of what he accomplished. Said fraction being the buxom, the naked, or the lesbians. I'm not picky.
 
01. In perhaps the greatest story ever, an Iranian woman recently took her husband to court because he beat her. Thing is, she just wanted the court to rule that he could only beat her once a week. See, she knew she was gonna get beat, she just asked that she have a certain day set aside for it. Now that, my friends, is a reasonable woman.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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