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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for October 2006)

Posted: October 20, 2006

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Editor's Note: Okay, so the whole Editron XL 6000 experiment didn't work out as I'd hoped. Except that maybe it goosed a certain columnist into stepping up his game a little bit. This edition of Clemenza's Top 10 seems somehow ... what's the word I'm searching for? ... better, somehow. I guess the threat of being edited by an obnoxious Artificial Intelligence program can be a strong motivator. -- Kevin Jong Ill, Supreme Dictator

10. I just read a news report of a dead postman who had an entire closet full of undelivered mail. At first, this seems like the tragic tale of a disturbed man alone in a world of hate. Upon closer inspection, however, this finally explains why my love letters to Amy Lee of Evanescence have not been answered. I just knew something was amiss when she didn't write me back!

09. I’m tired of hearing all the debate about how to deal with Kim Jong Il -- or as I call him, Kim John Ill. Everyone explains the delicate situation and ponders the various means to indirectly deal with this pint-sized freak. Everyone is shrugging their shoulders as if there is no solution. People, Chuck Norris has a phone number. Find it. Dial it. Problem solved.

08. This week’s "born to lose" award goes to the Arizona Cardinals. The Cards faced the undefeated Bears on Monday night, and prevented them from scoring an offensive touchdown. They also took the ball away from Chicago six times. That’s right, I said six times! They also had a twenty-point lead. Although it does not seem possible, the Cardinals also managed to lose the game by a single point and remain strangers to hope. This serves as proof that while there is a top of the mountain where the sun bathes champions in its warm glow, there is also a murky, loamy, sub-earth where those doomed to perpetual defeat wallow in the viscous goo of failure -- or as it is now known, Arizona.

07. Mike Tyson has launched a boxing "tour," where in addition to his normal bouts the erstwhile heavyweight champ suggested that he’d also be willing to fight the top female boxers of the world. I say, why not? Why beat a woman for free when you can get paid? I’m just sayin'!

06. It seems that rumors of the existence of a Dustin Diamond sex video have turned out to be (regrettably) true. In the video, Diamond engages in sex with a couple of females, and performs acts seemingly devoid of sexual value. That aside, are you gonna tell me that you can tap a couple of hotties just 'cause you played Screech? Is the power of "quasi-fame" that potent? While I walk around just trying to stay alive, some dude who played a Jawa in Star Wars is in bed with three Argentinean swimsuit models. I am in awe of the human animal.

05. A Massachusetts school has banned the games of tag and touch football and any other activity that involves unsupervised running. When we have devolved to a point where we can conjure up the phrase "unsupervised running," it is already too late.

04. The United States has declared a right to deny access to outer space if it deems that such access will result in hostile intentions. The nation of Chad voiced opposition to this declaration recently. United States officials addressed the concerns by stating, "You’re fucking Chad. I forgot you were even a country. Tell you what, before you start worrying about the politics of outer space, why don’t you work on conquering the realm of indoor plumbing and fear of the supernatural. When you’re on top of that, we’ll talk."

03. President Bush has refused to talk about techniques that intelligence officials use to obtain information from terrorists. While some suggest that waterboarding has been authorized, one official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told a newspaper that valuable information had been obtained from a captured Al Qaida operative by taping his eyes open and forcing him to view 11 minutes of the Dustin Diamond sex video. It was described as "cruel, but effective."

02. Do you have the feeling that a sexual encounter with Shirley Manson will probably leave you nude and cowering outside a gas station in the rain a few towns away, much like that dude who was abducted by aliens in the film Fire In The Sky? I do.

01. Not to be outdone by Kim Jong Ill, Hugo Chavez recently took the floor of the United Nations and succeeded in making himself look like more of a douche than usual. He insisted that the U.S. was trying to assassinate him and invade his country. Doesn’t this sound like the crazy relative we never talk about, who wears foil on his head so the government can’t read his mind? Hugo, baby, you live in a beautiful country full of buxom Venezuelan babes -- why are you here speaking to a collection of countries who wipe their asses with their hands, when you could be home setting up debauchery of Caligulan proportions? I guess being a dictator just ain’t as fulfilling as it seems.

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