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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for October 2005)

Posted: October 27, 2005

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Editor's Note: While I don't know of any music critics who don't like Elvis Costello, I'm gonna go ahead and agree with our mustachioed blowhard on this one, at least to a point: Many music critics should, indeed, be beaten. That said, enjoy his latest monthly ramblings. -- Kevin Forest Moreau, Music-Critic-in-Chief
10. A man sentenced to prison for 30 years requested that his term be extended -- that's right, extended -- by three years in honor of his favorite basketball player, #33 Larry Bird. When informed of this, Bird commented, "I'm flattered, but I am not sure that I want to be honored by a man who freely chooses 36 months of additional sodomy."
09. Michael Jackson has recently been selected for jury duty. Now, if a person on trial is to be tried by a jury of his peers, and Michael Jackson is on the jury, who in the hell is being tried?
08. Scientists are amazed to discover an ape that can use tools to crack nuts. I don't see what the big deal is. Women have been doing that for years with their voices alone.
07. Also on the science front, astronomers have proof that one of Saturn's moons is a frozen wasteland. I can't wait to go down to the bar so I can give my drinking buddies a great big "I told ya so!"
06. Rescuers have found the frozen body of what appears to be a U.S. Airman from WWII encased in a block of ice. A word of caution: before you go thawing this dude out, remember the film The Thing. I'm just sayin’!
05. I'm getting a little tired of hearing "critics" praise what they call music. You play these dudes some Elvis Costello, they call it boring. Play them a Moroccan shaman banging a fish skeleton on a panther's skull, with some technotronic beats in the background, and they call it visionary. The moral? All music critics must be beaten.
04. Headlines suck. All I see is "Hurricane Destroys Entire City" or "Bird Flu Spreads." Never do I read "Angelina Jolie Buys Controlling Stock In Hooters: Waitresses To Be Topless By 2006."
03. With the End Times seemingly upon us, it's time to give pause and reflect on what we have done with our lives. A fair rule of thumb is that if said reflection takes less than 20 seconds, you're pretty much a loser.
02. This is indeed a graceless age. If knights were around, they would not put up with this shit.
01. I'm tired of Batman being called a superhero. He's just a reasonably physically fit rich guy. Take away his gadgets and what can he do? And is it necessary to wear a suit that includes molded-in abdominal muscles and an exaggerated codpiece? You never saw Superman stuffing a sock in his tights or Wonder Woman wearing a padded bra. Batman, please!

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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