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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for October 2004)

Posted: October 19, 2004

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Editor's Note: What can I say? You people haven't yet started surrounding Shaking Through World Headquarters with pitchforks, demanding we stop printing Clemenza's random monthly musings. So, here's another edition. The opinions expressed in this column (particularly pertaining to Angelina Jolie) are solely the writer's own twisted thoughts, and we take no responsibility. -- Kevin Forest Moreau, Passive-Aggressive Editor
 
10. Ready for the ultimate excuse to have extra-marital sex? A woman in Canberra, Australia has been diagnosed with a "sleep/sex" disorder, which causes her to rise in her sleep, leave her home and have sex with strangers. This is a curious disorder, to be sure, but I assume the doctors know what they're talking about. I have but one question: Are there any houses for sale on this woman's block?
 
09. An ex-dancer has been named King of Cambodia. This sets a dangerous precedent, making Boogaloo Shrimp eligible to seek office in the United States.
 
08. After the batteries in my remote failed, I was forced, through my own indolence, to watch a portion of VH-1's Hip-Hop Music Awards. My batteries failed just in time to see Public Enemy take the stage. Now, while Flava Flav looked pretty much the same as he did back in the day, Chuck D has packed on a few pounds. So much so, in fact, that several other performers began confusing him with Heavy D. It's a mistake anyone could make!
 
07. Then there was the story of the son who killed his elderly mother with a crossbow. It seems that his moms had been aggravating the dude, so he broke out his crossbow and fired a bolt into a phone book. Apparently Mom wasn't impressed by the demonstration. Well, she shoulda given her son some props on the phone book shot, 'cause the next bolt had her name on it. I have no children, but if I ever do, and my boy shows me that he just shot a phone book with a crossbow and appears to be in a foul mood, I'm gonna go ahead and see what I can do to de-escalate the situation, ya know? Maybe offer him a cup of Tang or something.
 
06. A man, a teacher I believe, recently staged a robbery at his home to impress his wife. He hired a couple of his students to break in, tie up his wife and act as if they were going to rob the place. Then our hero would show up, fight the pseudo-robbers (they had even choreographed a fight) and save the day. Instead, his wife managed to get loose and call the police, who took the would-be hero to jail. What a winner! Now his wife is probably having regular sex with the kids he sent over, while our hero is being violated bi-hourly by a burly cellmate known only as the "Booty Bandit". The lesson? Don't be a hero.
 
05. A California lottery winner was recently shot and killed by the police. This serves as undeniable proof that while your odds of winning the lottery are one in four hundred million, the odds of having a cop bust a cap in your ass when you get surly with him are a statistically certifiable one hundred percent.
 
04. Our next item comes straight outta Phnom Penh. A Cambodian woman, who accused her husband of being a violent drunk, stabbed him in his penis with a knife. How does this affect my life? Well, checking my calendar for tomorrow, let's see, 11am, Dentist appointment; 3pm, Change oil in car. Oh, yeah, here it is: 7pm, BREAK UP WITH CAMBODIAN GIRLFRIEND. BY PHONE!
 
03. Rodney Dangerfield is no longer with us. He defined an entire genre of comedy, and he will be sorely missed. The fact that he voluntarily contributed to the tune "Rappin Rodney" should not be held against him!
 
02. Angelina Jolie has been voted the sexiest woman alive. That's a bit presumptuous, don't you think? [EDITOR'S NOTE: No.] I mean really, you're telling me that in all the Hooters restaurants in existence, there ain't one chick who could give Angelina a run for her money? These are the weighty decisions that I should be making for society.
 
01. Okay, now we come to the most disturbing topic of the month, more disturbing even than the Grimace. I'm sure you've all seen the recent Burger King commercial, where a guy in bed wakes up and finds himself face-to-face with the Burger King himself (a guy in a regal outfit with a large plastic Burger King head). The King offers him a breakfast biscuit of some type. By the end of the commercial the King has one leg under the covers and "accidentally" touches the guy's hand. WTF??!!! From this we can extrapolate that:

A) The guy went to bed with the Burger King, or

B) The Burger King broke into the guy's home during the night (possibly killing his other family members), crept into his bed, watched him sleep, and then offered him a biscuit of some kind.

Any one of these make you want to go to Burger King? Me neither. In fact, I am now afraid of Burger King. In all fairness, the original edit had the Burger King holding up the severed head of Ronald McDonald, but the suits on Madison Avenue wisely decided that that was just over the top.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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