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Clemenza's Corner (Top
10 for November 2005)
Posted: November 23, 2005
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Archived Top 10 Lists |
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 Vincenzo's
Note: After reading Clemenza's latest laundry list of random thoughts,
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my good buddy for
picking up my girlfriend in front of his house and then speeding away
laughing (see #8, below). I'd also like to say a sincere "sorry, bro" for
taking you out drinking the other night and depositing you at the doorstep
of Mistress Svetlana (see #1). And last but not least, I categorically
deny any responsibility for any adhesives that may be applied to the
latrine in the Shaking Through Men's Washroom in the near future. Now if
you'll excuse me, I need to go see if my Asian whores are done washing my
wheels. --
Your good buddy, Vincenzo |
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 10.
Ah, romance! There's nothing quite like being in love, is there? And
what is the best way to win a woman's heart? Roses? Poetry? A candlelight
dinner? Actually, none of the above. A recent news story suggests that the
way to a woman's heart is to shoot her in the groin, then hold her hostage
in your garage for six days. At least that's the recipe for romance if
you're Tina Marie Stebbins. You see, Tina actually experienced that
ordeal, and has declared her intention to marry her assailant. All this
time I've been wasting money on fancy dinners and getting rejected, when
all I had to do was shoot the object of my affections! Guns ... is
there anything you can't do? |
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 09.
A man is suing Home Depot because he was, uh, glued to a toilet seat for
hours. It seems our man answered nature's call and ended up in the
restroom, where some prankster put an industrial-strength adhesive on the
seat. He sat down and, well, the rest is history. Hey, if you go to a
public restroom of any type, and you sit on the seat and discover that it
is covered in some kind of goo, consider yourself blessed. When you stop
to think of the vile secretions that could have been left by the
swarthiest of individuals, discovering that you sat in glue is like
winning the lottery. |
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 08.
Modern life is almost totally devoid of passion. We have lost ourselves in
paying bills and watching television. Life is about the heat of the
moment, the thrill of endless possibilities. It's about watching that girl
who looks like Monica Bellucci jog in front of your apartment each day in
an oh-so-tight sports bra and spandex shorts. It's deciding to jog with
her one day and then ask her out on a date. Sadly, it's also having her
turn you down as she gets into her boyfriend's Mercedes convertible,
leaving you standing in a cloud of acrid dust as they speed away laughing.
The moral of the story? Life can be watched through the glass, but must be
lived on the other side of it. Well, that and the fact that you are a
pathetic loser! |
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 07.
I have to tell you, having a scimitar thrown at you by an irate Iraqi
Chevron station owner is not as funny as you'd think it would be. |
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 06.
George Takei, better known as Mr. Sulu from the Star Trek
franchise, has come out and admitted that he is gay. Perhaps this will
give C-3P0 the courage to come forth and embrace his sexuality. |
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 05.
GM has announced that it will close a number of plants in the United
States and will do away with more than 30,000 jobs. As if that wasn't
severe enough, a memo from upper management further stated that the
upcoming Christmas party at corporate headquarters would only have the
budget for one prostitute. One prostitute! We have truly lost the
meaning of Christmas. |
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 04.
In a surprising turn of events, Anne Rice, known for her erotic vampire
novels as well as some very sweet S&M work based on the Sleeping Beauty
fairy tale (uh, I mean … that's what I heard -- really!) has turned her
life over to Jesus. Yes, as we ponder our own mortality, we start to cover
our bases just to make sure we don't piss off anyone in charge of running
the afterlife. After all, if you did run afoul of such a being, he
could take one of your most famous novels, turn it into a movie and then
cast Tom Cruise as the main character. Wait a minute... |
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 03.
Say what you will, but those hip-hop "poser-mobile" guys in the T-Mobile
commercials are pretty funny. Sometimes those goofy sons of bitches are
all that keeps me from taking a rifle to a tall building. You take solace
wherever you can find it, people! |
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 02.
Professional sports may be the last bastion of simplicity. The rules are
straightforward, the boundaries well-defined. Success and failure are not
defined through victory and defeat so much as by how many Asian whores you
have washing you collection of gold-rimmed BMWs. There's no doubt about it
-- sports build character. |
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 01.
If after a few too many gin and tonics you should find yourself engaged in
a three-hour session with a Russian dominatrix known only as Mistress
Svetlana, lemme drop some knowledge on you. When a dominatrix asks you a
question, the correct answer is "Yes mistress" and not "Yes ma'am."
Just as a doctor did not go through all those years of medical school to
be called "Mister", neither does a dominatrix adorn herself in a leather
bra and crotchless leather panties to be called "Ma'am." The good news is
that it's a mistake you will only make once. I really ought to lay off the
gin. |
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