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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for November 2005)

Posted: November 23, 2005

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Vincenzo's Note: After reading Clemenza's latest laundry list of random thoughts, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my good buddy for picking up my girlfriend in front of his house and then speeding away laughing (see #8, below). I'd also like to say a sincere "sorry, bro" for taking you out drinking the other night and depositing you at the doorstep of Mistress Svetlana (see #1). And last but not least, I categorically deny any responsibility for any adhesives that may be applied to the latrine in the Shaking Through Men's Washroom in the near future. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go see if my Asian whores are done washing my wheels. -- Your good buddy, Vincenzo
10. Ah, romance! There's nothing quite like being in love, is there? And what is the best way to win a woman's heart? Roses? Poetry? A candlelight dinner? Actually, none of the above. A recent news story suggests that the way to a woman's heart is to shoot her in the groin, then hold her hostage in your garage for six days. At least that's the recipe for romance if you're Tina Marie Stebbins. You see, Tina actually experienced that ordeal, and has declared her intention to marry her assailant. All this time I've been wasting money on fancy dinners and getting rejected, when all I had to do was shoot the object of my affections! Guns ... is there anything you can't do?
09. A man is suing Home Depot because he was, uh, glued to a toilet seat for hours. It seems our man answered nature's call and ended up in the restroom, where some prankster put an industrial-strength adhesive on the seat. He sat down and, well, the rest is history. Hey, if you go to a public restroom of any type, and you sit on the seat and discover that it is covered in some kind of goo, consider yourself blessed. When you stop to think of the vile secretions that could have been left by the swarthiest of individuals, discovering that you sat in glue is like winning the lottery.
08. Modern life is almost totally devoid of passion. We have lost ourselves in paying bills and watching television. Life is about the heat of the moment, the thrill of endless possibilities. It's about watching that girl who looks like Monica Bellucci jog in front of your apartment each day in an oh-so-tight sports bra and spandex shorts. It's deciding to jog with her one day and then ask her out on a date. Sadly, it's also having her turn you down as she gets into her boyfriend's Mercedes convertible, leaving you standing in a cloud of acrid dust as they speed away laughing. The moral of the story? Life can be watched through the glass, but must be lived on the other side of it. Well, that and the fact that you are a pathetic loser!
07. I have to tell you, having a scimitar thrown at you by an irate Iraqi Chevron station owner is not as funny as you'd think it would be.
06. George Takei, better known as Mr. Sulu from the Star Trek franchise, has come out and admitted that he is gay. Perhaps this will give C-3P0 the courage to come forth and embrace his sexuality.
05. GM has announced that it will close a number of plants in the United States and will do away with more than 30,000 jobs. As if that wasn't severe enough, a memo from upper management further stated that the upcoming Christmas party at corporate headquarters would only have the budget for one prostitute. One prostitute! We have truly lost the meaning of Christmas.
04. In a surprising turn of events, Anne Rice, known for her erotic vampire novels as well as some very sweet S&M work based on the Sleeping Beauty fairy tale (uh, I mean that's what I heard -- really!) has turned her life over to Jesus. Yes, as we ponder our own mortality, we start to cover our bases just to make sure we don't piss off anyone in charge of running the afterlife. After all, if you did run afoul of such a being, he could take one of your most famous novels, turn it into a movie and then cast Tom Cruise as the main character. Wait a minute...
03. Say what you will, but those hip-hop "poser-mobile" guys in the T-Mobile commercials are pretty funny. Sometimes those goofy sons of bitches are all that keeps me from taking a rifle to a tall building. You take solace wherever you can find it, people!
02. Professional sports may be the last bastion of simplicity. The rules are straightforward, the boundaries well-defined. Success and failure are not defined through victory and defeat so much as by how many Asian whores you have washing you collection of gold-rimmed BMWs. There's no doubt about it -- sports build character.
01. If after a few too many gin and tonics you should find yourself engaged in a three-hour session with a Russian dominatrix known only as Mistress Svetlana, lemme drop some knowledge on you. When a dominatrix asks you a question, the correct answer is "Yes mistress" and not "Yes ma'am." Just as a doctor did not go through all those years of medical school to be called "Mister", neither does a dominatrix adorn herself in a leather bra and crotchless leather panties to be called "Ma'am." The good news is that it's a mistake you will only make once. I really ought to lay off the gin.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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