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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for November 2004)

Posted: November 24, 2004

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Editor's Note: Well, we finally got one letter -- one -- asking us to discontinue Clemenza's monthly Top 10 column. Unfortunately, it was from Clemenza's fringe-film-reviewing rival and sometime drinking buddy Vincenzo, so of course it doesn't count. Meanwhile, you folks get what you deserve -- more Clemenza. -- Kevin Forest Moreau, Perplexed Editor-in-Chief
10. In Minnesota, a high school debate went seriously awry, resulting in one student being attacked by another student -- wielding a bat!!! What a joy to see students taking school seriously again!
09. Lil' Kim recently spoke to a class at Syracuse University. What class, you ask? Well, it turns out that the class was called ""Hip-Hop Eshu: Queen B@#$H101 -- The Life and Times of Lil' Kim." And with this announcement, the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse mounted his horse and said, "I guess it's time."
08. In Tennessee, two women have alleged that their boss spanked them when they made mistakes at work. As soon as Hooters adopts this policy, I intend to apply for a supervisory position there.
07. An Egyptian man, upset because he had no sons, stabbed his seven daughters and ended up killing four of them. When he does have a son, I'm guessing discipline ain't gonna be a problem.
06. Okay. Man dies. Girlfriend is distraught and, per the man's wishes, buries his ashes with a beer. Later, the woman digs up the ashes -- and drinks the beer!!! Step aside, Romeo and Juliet: Here comes a new love story for the ages!
05. Staying on the domestic front: A man recently attempted to put an electrical cord into his wife's bath, in hopes that a near death experience would "save the marriage." His theory was proven wrong when his wife exited the tub and took a deadblow hammer to his left testicle. Man -- some women just don't recognize cupid's arrows at all!
04. In California, a man tried to negotiate the price of tires at a local Sears Auto Care Center by offering the clerk marijuana in exchange for the rubber. That man? Ricky Williams.
03. From the "Guess He's An Atheist" Department: In Mississippi, a man rammed a bulldozer into a local church just so he could stand among the ruins and say, "Where's your messiah now?"
02. You've all heard about the incident during the recent Vibe magazine awards. A scuffle broke out, and one man was stabbed, allegedly by the rapper "Young Buck." Has the life of Ol' Dirty Bastard taught us nothing?
01. Ozzy Osbourne recently attempted to apprehend an intruder who broke into his home (headline: Ozzy Wrestles Thief). Who would try to break into the Osbourne home? Turns out it was none other than the Burger King, trying to sneak into Ozzy's bed and offer him a delicious breakfast biscuit! Man, the first time I saw that BK commercial, I knew it would lead to something like this.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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