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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for May 2005)

Posted: May 24, 2005

Archived Top 10 Lists
 
Editor's Note: Turned to the dark side, Clemenza has. Unsuitable for younger viewers, this edition of his Top 10 may be. As usual, no responsibility for the comments contained herein does Shaking Through take. (Everyone knows you've got at least until age 27 before wearing a Boba Fett costume is seen as something other than a willingness to indulge in "bedroom role play".) -- Kevin Forest Moreau, Lord of the S**t
 
10. A man in Sacramento has covered his home in sheet metal because he claims the house is being bombarded by radiation, and that the shield is the only effective barrier against an unseen force threatening his family. When asked about the sheet-metal codpiece he was wearing, the man sheepishly responded, "No, that's got nothing to do with radiation, it's just part of a superhero outfit I never got around to finishing."
 
09. A Miss Universe photo shoot near an ancient temple in Thailand caused local officials to say that published photos of the scantily clad women were an affront to the nation and the teachings of Lord Buddha. However, take a small jaunt over to Bangkok, and for $1.25 you can see a hooker having intercourse with a parking meter. I guess Buddha's jurisdiction ain't what it used to be.
 
08. An online casino has paid over $5K for a pregnancy test used by Britney Spears. A GoldenPalace.com (I swear that's really the name) spokesman said it would be "hard to put a price on Britney Spears' urine." I disagree. I can easily put a value on her urine. It is the same value I place on her music: Zero. 'Nuff said.
 
07. Mexican president Vicente Fox recently said that Mexican immigrants in America take jobs "that not even blacks want to do." After realizing his error, Fox went on to say "Uh… er, what I meant was that… uh… how 'bout that Stars Wars, huh? Darth Vader… muy evil! Beware the Dark Side… No, wait… I did not mean it like that!"
 
06. Minnesota running back Onterrio Smith faces a stiff fine from the NFL for being caught with a device called "The Whizzinator," which apparently is a fake penis and bladder capable of producing urine or other fluids -- presumably in an attempt to bypass detection of steroids or other banned substances. When caught, Smith was accused of trying to circumvent the NFL's rules by using a device that produces clean urine. Smith responded, "It does what? Look, I had a few too many drinks and got a little lonely and curious… Is that a crime?"
 
05. In Australia, authorities had 15 pizzas delivered to a maximum security facility to secure the release of a guard taken hostage there. Sadly, the deliveryman, specially selected for the job, was grabbed by the prisoners and killed after a lengthy ordeal in a dank cell. The following day the headlines said it all: "Murder… Murder… Little Caesar Dies In Prison Standoff!"
 
04. In what (regrettably) proved to be a false story, it was claimed that 42 midgets were severely injured or killed when they fought a lion in a sanctioned match as part of the CMFL (Cambodian Midget Fighting League). The league owner stated that his midgets would fight any man, beast or machine. In a world where excellence is a forgotten word, it is good to see a man who will stand behind the quality of his midgets. Oh, don't get all high and mighty with me! If Pay Per View offered 42 midgets fighting ASIMO the Honda robot, you know you'd order it. Freaking hypocrite!
 
03. I should have known my future was in jeopardy when my high school guidance counselor listed "Less Than Zero" as vocational cinema.
 
02. Pillar of Wisdom #2: Burly Turks who claim they are "just going to give you a massage" are lying.
 
01. Stars Wars fans in London took to the streets for the premier of Episode III: Revenge Of the Sith. I've never seen a larger collection of virgins in space armor in my life. I mean, really, if you're over 15 and you dress up as a stormtrooper, you'd better get used to "lightsaber practice," if you catch my drift.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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