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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for May 2004)

Posted: May 20, 2004

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Okay. Since there was such a popular outcry for last month's collection of fears, hopes, realizations and random thoughts (thanks, Mom!), that tight-fisted, tin-pot dictator Moreau has graciously decided to allow me to once again break out of the B-movie realm to address the ills of society. If you like what you read, please speak up. If not, write to that grouch Moreau; after all, it was his idea.

So without further ado, I call this: Further Fears, Hopes, Realizations and Random Thoughts.

10. Have you seen or heard the commercials for On-Star, the wireless assistance service offered on some GM vehicles? One lady flushed her keys down the toilet, another locked his dog in his Cadillac, and a third summoned the satellite assistance center because she couldn't remember where she parked in the parking lot. I think I speak for everyone when I pose the question: Do these people even deserve cars? Meanwhile, across town, I'm in an '86 Monte Carlo SS, fending off feral carjackers, gangbangers and crackheads sleeping on my hood. Who cries for me?
09. I read that there was a couple in Germany who tried to have children for many years, but were unsuccessful. Turns out they never had sex. Actually, they had no idea what sex was. This is what happens when a nation is denied Cinemax After Dark; I know I learned about the birds and the bees from Shannon Tweed, and I'll lay dollars to donuts I'm not the only one.
08. If Martha Stewart does end up going to jail, which movie do you think the inevitable HBO docu-drama will most resemble: Caged Heat, Women in Chains, Reform School Girls or (my personal favorite) Caged Heat 3000? (And do you think Andre3000 of OutKast has anything to do with that last one?).
07. I'm sick of seeing the photos of Iraqi prisoner abuse. Was it wrong? Yes. But let's stop acting like this is the flashpoint that will cause the Arab world to hate us. (Like they loved us so much before the photos came out.) Besides, if leading a swarthy naked man around on a leash is wrong, then 93% of San Francisco is guilty as hell.
06. Gas prices are now sky-high. I blame the oil companies; they flat-out refuse to release the technology that the aliens gave us at Roswell so many years ago. Bastards!
05. On TV, bikini-clad chicks everywhere: washing cars, rollerblading, sunbathing, enjoying a nice stick of gum. But in my day-to-day life, there are so few. Why, oh God, why?
04. I never thought I'd say this, but enough with the Seagal movies already! TNT has shown Fire Down Below roughly 18 times in a three-week period. Celebrate the guy's whole catalog, why don't ya? His oeuvre is so rich. There are so many ample choices, people!
03. I heard there was "outrage" at the results of a recent American Idol fan vote. It seems that America's choice did not correspond with the judges' -- or Elton John, for that matter, who called the results "racist." It's refreshing to see that we as a nation can express our collective opinion without fear of being called names. And what's up with Elton? The dude gets knighted and suddenly he's all surly! In a perfect world, once you've worn sunglasses four times too large for your head, you no longer have a say in how society works.
02. Comedy lives on Chapelle's Show. Great stuff: Intelligent and fresh. It's like watching Tom Brokaw, except this is intentionally funny.
01. Kudos to Miles Thirst, the little dude from the Sprite commercials. They remind me of visiting Laurence Station's house; he's always talking to his precious collection of dolls -- excuse me, "action figures." Only these don't talk back. Can a brother get a minute? From this day forth, let ya' boy's battle cry ring from the mountaintops: "Show My Motto!" Suddenly, I'm thirsty for a tasty Mountain Dew.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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