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Clemenza's Corner (Top
10 for May 2004)
Posted: May 20, 2004
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Archived Top 10 Lists |
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 Okay.
Since there was such a popular outcry for last month's collection of
fears, hopes, realizations and random
thoughts (thanks, Mom!), that tight-fisted, tin-pot dictator Moreau
has graciously decided to allow me to once again break out of the
B-movie realm to address the ills of society. If you like what you read,
please speak up. If not, write to that grouch Moreau; after all, it
was his idea.
So without further ado, I call this: Further Fears, Hopes, Realizations
and Random Thoughts. |
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 10.
Have you seen or heard the commercials for On-Star, the wireless
assistance service offered on some GM vehicles? One lady flushed her
keys down the toilet, another locked his dog in his Cadillac, and a
third summoned the satellite assistance center because she couldn't
remember where she parked in the parking lot. I think I speak for
everyone when I pose the question: Do these people even deserve
cars? Meanwhile, across town, I'm in an '86 Monte Carlo SS, fending off
feral carjackers, gangbangers and crackheads sleeping on my hood. Who
cries for me? |
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 09.
I read that there was a couple in Germany who tried to have children for
many years, but were unsuccessful. Turns out they never had sex.
Actually, they had no idea what sex was. This is what happens when a
nation is denied Cinemax After Dark; I know I learned about the
birds and the bees from Shannon Tweed, and I'll lay dollars to donuts
I'm not the only one. |
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 08.
If Martha Stewart does end up going to jail, which movie do you think the
inevitable HBO docu-drama will most resemble: Caged Heat,
Women in Chains, Reform School Girls or (my personal
favorite) Caged Heat 3000? (And do you think
Andre3000 of OutKast has anything to do with that last one?). |
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 07.
I'm sick of seeing the photos of Iraqi prisoner abuse. Was it wrong? Yes.
But let's stop acting like this is the flashpoint that will cause
the Arab world to hate us. (Like they loved us so much before the photos
came out.) Besides, if leading a swarthy naked man around on a leash is
wrong, then 93% of San Francisco is guilty as hell. |
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 06.
Gas prices are now sky-high. I blame the oil companies; they flat-out
refuse to release the technology that the aliens gave us at Roswell
so many years ago. Bastards! |
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 05.
On TV, bikini-clad chicks everywhere: washing cars, rollerblading,
sunbathing, enjoying a nice stick of gum. But in my day-to-day life,
there are so few. Why, oh God, why? |
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 04.
I never thought I'd say this, but enough with the
Seagal movies already! TNT has shown Fire Down Below
roughly 18 times in a three-week period. Celebrate the guy's whole
catalog, why don't ya? His oeuvre is so rich. There are so
many ample choices, people! |
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 03.
I heard there was "outrage" at the results of a recent
American Idol fan vote. It seems that America's choice did not
correspond with the judges' -- or Elton John, for that matter, who
called the results "racist." It's refreshing to see that we as a nation
can express our collective opinion without fear of being called names.
And what's up with Elton? The dude gets knighted and suddenly he's all
surly! In a perfect world, once you've worn sunglasses four times too
large for your head, you no longer have a say in how society works. |
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 02.
Comedy lives on Chapelle's Show. Great stuff: Intelligent
and fresh. It's like watching Tom Brokaw, except this is
intentionally funny. |
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 01.
Kudos to Miles Thirst, the little dude from the Sprite commercials. They
remind me of visiting Laurence Station's house; he's always talking to
his precious collection of dolls -- excuse me, "action figures." Only
these don't talk back. Can a brother get a minute? From this day forth,
let ya' boy's battle cry ring from the mountaintops: "Show My Motto!"
Suddenly, I'm thirsty for a tasty Mountain Dew. |
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