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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for March 2006)

Posted: March 27, 2006

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Editor's Note: Not much time for a witty intro this month, as we here at Shaking Through World Headquarters are busy putting the finishing touches on our plan to recruit world-famous celebrities into our cult. Oh, yeah, didn't we tell you? We're a cult -- er, that is, a religion. We've filed the papers and everything. As I write this, Clemenza's hard at work trying to convince Steven Seagal to join. Hey, don't laugh: Today, Steven Seagal; tomorrow -- Kelly Clarkson! Dream big, start small, that's our motto. -- Kevin Forest Moreau, His Divine High Holy Awesomeness
 
10. The controversial 15-minute Colin Farrell sex tape has been giving the superstar some huge headaches. One of the most embarrassing points is the fact that the tape is only 15 minutes. When questioned about his sexual stamina, a red-faced Farrell replied, "I would have lasted longer, but I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror on my ceiling and ... God, am I good=looking!"
 
09. Internationally renowned musician Yanni was charged with domestic battery after an altercation with his girlfriend. Jeez, this dude makes a few tunes on his Casio keyboard and suddenly he's Ike Turner. But that' s okay. I'm sure a few hours at central lockup re-established Yanni's position in the pecking order of life.
 
08. Unhappy with the progress being made by police, a group of Daytona Beach prostitutes have banded together to search for a serial killer. Whores hunting serial killers ... only in America!
 
07. A troubled man in Chicago recently severed his own penis and threw it at police. You know, they teach you a lot at the police academy, but it's not until a distraught Polish dude lobs his severed Johnson at you that you discover what you're made of. You think Eliot Ness ever had to do deal with something like that?
 
06. I'd like to make a call for the return of the "Busty Weather Chick " on the local evening news. If you're gonna tell me that I'm about to be wiped out by another hurricane, I'd rather it come from a voluptuously endowed, gorgeous blonde than some aged, bitter pseudo-scientist.
 
05. The upcoming World Cup soccer matches have some worried, as individual groups of soccer hooligans have united into one front of "super hooligans " who are planning to harass Muslims. You see, this is our problem: We always focus on the negative. Lost in this is the triumphant story of neo-Nazis who have learned to put aside their different ideas about hatemongering and love themselves and each other. Baby steps, people: baby steps.
 
04. The Japanese have created a race of robots to care for the elderly. These machines can carry the elderly from room to room and call for help in an emergency. Yeah, what could go wrong there? I'm sure there's no risk in letting a tritium-powered walking toaster that looks like one of the props from a Doctor Who episode give a sponge bath to an 80-year-old on a slick tile floor. We're playing right into the hands of the robots, people!
 
03. Jennifer Tilly has taken up professional poker. After watching her play on television, researching the history of poker and studying the rules of the modern game carefully, I have come to the conclusion that Jennifer Tilly has one freaking awesome rack.
 
02. In his first testimony, Saddam Hussein urged all Iraqis to fight against the oppression of the West. Then he urged them to "spring me from the joint." He then reconsidered and said, "No, wait, spring me first, and then we can fight together. Yes, that would make more sense."
 
01. Isaac Hayes has quit the show South Park because it mocked the "religion" of Scientology. Just when I thought Kevin Federline had cornered the block on the sobriquet "douche bag," another Scientologist has to come along and take umbrage because we don't respect his "religion." Isaac, baby, come on. It's not that I don't respect your religion: It's just that -- in this OT-neophyte, lone gunman’s litigation-exempt opinion -- if you believe in a galactic ruler named Xenu, then you're just an idiot, and you are fair game to be shamed and ridiculed as such. Okay, on second thought, maybe I don't respect your "religion." But hey, if you're willing to send Jenna Elfman over to my house in a dominatrix outfit, I'll gladly sit at the "clay table" while you "audit" me with an "e-meter," and Beck, Tom Cruise and John Travolta look on in that stupefied peace that only the lobotomized know.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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