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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for March 2005)

Posted: March 26, 2005

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Editor's Note: Before you read this laundry list of our B-movie reviewer's latest unsettling obsessions, the suits in the Shaking Through legal department advise me to remind you that the opinions expressed herein do not represent those of Shaking Through, et cetera, et cetera. -- Kevin Forest "Moonbase" Moreau, Editor-in-Chief
 
10. With the current spike in gas prices, everyone seems to be complaining, from parents paying over two dollars a gallon to shuttle their kids to school, to dudes in V-8 trucks getting heckled by geeks in a Toyota Prius. Everybody has a story. But what about that dude at the gas station who has to go out there every morning and change the prices on the sign with that big stick? That guy has a story to tell, too, you know.
 
09. A kid in North Dakota has beaten the gas crunch by riding a mule to school. While other kids have acknowledged her advantage, one classmate was heard to wisely declare: "While it is true that she has to pay nothing for gas, at least I don't have to shovel up a school day’s worth of mule shit from my ’92 Camaro at the end of the day."
 
08. A thorough scan of King Tut’s remains indicates that he was not murdered, although a bloody bust of Nefertiti was found at the O.J. Simpson estate.
 
07. While we lazy Westerners lounge about, Japan is laying the foundation for the construction of a moon base. You heard me -- a moon base! Can you imagine what a Hooters on the moon would be like? Japan has. And they're doing something about it.
 
06. During their Tsunami relief tour, Bill Clinton slept on the floor so that the elder George Bush could sleep in the only bed on the plane. Now, what was the real reason Clinton took the floor? Easy; he wanted to feel like he was back home with Hillary.
 
05. A recent news story told the tale of a doctor who had to treat a monk who accidentally put super glue in his eyes instead of his eyedrops. Of the many questions that could be asked here, one rises above them all: What the hell is a monk doing with super glue?
 
04. Despite many posted warnings on a building in San Diego, a woman found herself trapped in a condo that was being fumigated. It is for reasons like this that we are not contemplating the construction of a moon base. We seem to have trouble conducting our lives in the gravity we have here, much less managing them on the moon. Remember Space: 1999? We dumped toxic waste on the moon and blew it out of orbit. The signs are clear: We can't be trusted with our moon.
 
03. Giant figures have been unearthed in Peru. These ancient etchings were originally believed to pre-date the Nazca lines and have been traced to a now-defunct civilization that worshipped Mike Reno from Loverboy.
 
02. I think it is fair to say that few people have ever salvaged their movie career after appearing in a film with the word "anal" in the title.
 
01. There is a movement by some in Texas to seek independence and form their own nation. Hey, why not? Luxembourg is a country; why not Texas? It's of little consequence, anyway: We'll have more important things to worry about when the Japanese are raining death rays down on us from their bitchin’ moon base.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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