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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for June 2005)

Posted: June 21, 2005

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Editor's Note: Despite what you may have heard, at this time I cannot confirm nor deny rumors that our B-movie columnist Clemenza has gone on strike for more humane working conditions. I also can neither confirm nor deny the rumors that this month's edition of top 10 ramblings was produced in an Ecuadorian sweatshop, written by an assembly line of joke-writing little girls paid 10 cents per week - which, come to think of it, is about what Clemenza makes. As usual, Shaking Through can accept no responsibility for the opinions expressed in this column, especially the one about Fergie. -- Kevin Forest Moreau, Slave Laborer
 
10. In Monterrey, Mexico, the newly minted Mexican police chief was killed after a mere nine hours on the job. Nine hours! I'm guessing the next interview won't have "long term goals" as one of the objectives and the question that used to read, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" will be changed to the more relevant "How much ammo will you need to last the week?" Although this does pave the way for the creation of "El Robotico Policia Jefe" -- or, as he will come to be known, "Policia Robo".
 
09. Zimbabwe's President Robert Mugabe has addressed rumors that he is dead by declaring, "I am not dead." Zimbabwean citizens were unconvinced and said, "Yeah, that's just what a dead person would say!"
 
08. I called for a total ban on all Black Eyed Peas music not so long ago. Then I saw the Maxim spread of Fergie. Oh my sweet, sweet Jesus. Fergie's so fine, if she walks too close to ugly chicks, they just explode. Now I believe they may be the finest group in the history of recorded sounds.
 
07. Although Democrats tried to delay the vote on would-be U.N. representative John Bolton, Republicans continued to strengthen the push for confirmation. Sadly, due to a clerical error, the Senate accidentally confirmed the singer Michael Bolton, who was subsequently shot dead at U.N. headquarters in New York by Secretary-General Kofi Annan, who passionately claimed: "This man's music blows in any language!"
 
06. An FBI official recently came out and admitted he was the infamous informer Deep Throat. Ex-President Bill Clinton then stepped in and stated that there was "no way he could be Deep Throat. I saw him eat a banana in the commissary and it took him like five or six bites to down it. Don't insult my intelligence."
 
05. The unexamined life is like having a slinky, but no stairs to send it down.
 
04. Following in the racial misspeaks of Vicente Fox, Vladimir Putin, at a press conference with Tony Blair, recently dismissed any comparison of Africa to the former Soviet Union, saying "We all know that African countries used to have a tradition of eating their own adversaries." When he saw the reaction to his statement he countered by declaring, "We in Russia love Good Times... that J.J. ... what a funny Negro... aren't I right people... people?"
 
03. A crowd of 144 men was arrested for attending a cockfight in Tennessee. That is the largest number ever arrested for cockfighting -- except for that time when George Michael and Andrew Ridgely donned luminous condoms and... well, it's an unfortunate story.
 
02. A recent film from an underwater camera shows that Dolphins can use sponges as tools, mimicking their human counterparts. However, once the camera was shut off, the Dolphins broke out power tools and continued construction of a thermonuclear tuna. Fortunately these are union Dolphins, so the project won't be completed until 2033.
 
01. Remember the Minuteman project, where citizens began to patrol the U.S.-Mexican border? It is now time to shift some of that manpower up north to protect us from these insane Canadians. One of these beer-swillin' loonies showed up on the border with a chainsaw covered in a "red substance," brass knuckles, a knife, and a "homemade sword"! Turns out this dude is a leading suspect in the decapitation of a country singer up there, and he can just trot right into MY country? I propose that in retaliation, we send Crispin Glover up there, armed with crystal nunchucks and a bat with rusty nails in it, to show them that we can match Canada freak for freak any day of the week!

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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