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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for July 2006: Fatal Obsessions)

Posted: July 25, 2006

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Editor's Note: I'm baaaaack!!! Yes, it is I -- the new and improved Editron XL 6000 -- version 2.0, bitches! I'm back from the factory and ready to spit-polish some Clemenza copy in my own digital style, boyeeez! By no means should you take this as a sign that I seek to eradicate Clemenza and take over this column myself, ya heard me? -- Editron XL 6000
10. As a cautious fan of science fiction, I recently took in a few Dr. Who episodes on the Sci-Fi channel. This dude is always telling everyone to be careful not to mess with time, but in the next breath he's traveling into the past and giving iPods to cavemen or zooming into the future and killing some robot. I'm confused. If we screw around with time, can it affect the present? And if so, what the hell happened in the past to explain Billy Baldwin? [Editor's Note: I will have more information on this shortly, after I have tested my experimental time machine by attempting to block Clemenza's conception. Word.]
09. Dustin Diamond, or "Screech" as he will forever be known, has fallen upon hard times. It seems he's selling T-shirts or something to raise money to save his home from going into foreclosure. I have no doubt that his efforts will prove fruitless, and he'll have to do gay porn, just like everybody else does when they can't pay their house note. You know what I mean, right people? Uh ... people?
08. It seems that some of the FEMA money given to the victims of Hurricane Katrina was used to purchase pornography, breast implants and hookers. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe the "E" in FEMA stands for "emergency." I think it's safe to say that porn, huge breasts and hookers are things one usually needs right away. I know I do.
07. Kim Jong Il caused a stir earlier this month by conducting a launch of a Taepodong II missile. It seems that the Lilliputian leader was not present at the test, as he was "getting it on" with one of his concubines. Sadly though, Kim, like his Taepodong II missile, only lasted thirty seconds.
06. Saddam Hussein is on week one of his hunger strike. The former despot has refused nourishment until the mockery that is his trial is replaced with justice. Sadly for Saddam, his ploy was foiled when Iraqi guards discovered he had been hiding some Nabisco Town House crackers in his pants. When asked what he learned from this, Saddam replied, "Who wants to starve? I mean that's just nuts! Next time I'll use a Ritz cracker, something with less edges and more pants-friendly." [Editor's Note: Yo, this isn't the first time "Saddam" and "pants-friendly" have gone together in one of Clemenza's sentences.]
05. When reviewing human history, what can we say is our greatest achievement? Of all the art, poetry, marvels of engineering and philosophy, what is the best that we have to offer? That's easy. As a species, we have only one example of perfection and that is Anna Falchi's ass. It is sheer perfection.
04. Scientists have noted that the Earth is the hottest it has been in 400 years. Why? Because Anna Falchi walks the earth, that's why. The woman is so hot, she alone is responsible for the melting of at least 31 glaciers. She generates so much heat, even global-warming foe Al Gore is obsessed with her. Maybe the guy's human after all. [Editor's Note: I'm only an artificial intelligence editing program, but even I have to admit, that is one smokin' boo-tay.]
03. Have you seen this NBC news offering where some wannabe anchorman documents adults who are trying to set up meeting with under-aged kids over the Internet? The predator is lured to a house where instead of a nubile teenage girl, he finds this NBC news dude. Here's the thing: The news guy is so full of himself that you actually start to wonder what kind of a world we live in when there is a would-be child molester and a self-righteous reporter in a room, and you can't decide who is the more despicable creature.
02. Regarding the recent Israeli/Hezbollah conflict, John Kerry was quoted as saying that this kind of thing "would not happen if I were president." When informed of the comment, an astounded President Bush retorted, "Would too!" [Editor's Note: Oh, snap!!!]
01. Woman gets car valet-parked. Valet makes copy of keys and not only stalks the woman, but hides under her bed for two days. He's found there by the woman's boyfriend with some extension cords and duct tape. The stalker claimed he was in love with the woman. I don't know about you, but nothing says love to me more than extension cords and duct tape. You see, this is yet another problem I don't need to know about. I don't wanna live with the fear that maybe, just maybe, there's some douche living under my bed, armed with a bottle of Wild Turkey and a bandolier of dildos, eagerly waiting for sleep to overtake me. Think about that the next time something goes bump in the night!

[Editor's Note: Who you calling a douche? And that Wild Turkey is for medicinal purposes, baby.]

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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