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Clemenza's Corner (Top
10 for July 2006: Fatal Obsessions)
Posted: July 25, 2006
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Archived Top 10 Lists |
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 Editor's
Note: I'm baaaaack!!! Yes,
it is I -- the new and improved Editron XL 6000 -- version 2.0,
bitches! I'm back from the factory and ready to spit-polish some
Clemenza copy in my own digital style, boyeeez! By no means should you
take this as a sign that I seek to eradicate Clemenza and take over this
column myself, ya heard me? --
Editron XL 6000 |
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 10.
As a cautious fan of science fiction, I recently took in a few
Dr. Who episodes on the Sci-Fi channel. This dude is always telling
everyone to be careful not to mess with time, but in the next breath
he's traveling into the past and giving iPods to cavemen or zooming into
the future and killing some robot. I'm confused. If we screw around with
time, can it affect the present? And if so, what the hell happened in
the past to explain Billy Baldwin? [Editor's Note: I will have
more information on this shortly, after I have tested my experimental
time machine by attempting to block Clemenza's conception. Word.] |
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 09.
Dustin Diamond, or "Screech" as he will forever be known, has fallen upon
hard times. It seems he's selling T-shirts or something to raise money
to save his home from going into foreclosure. I have no doubt that his
efforts will prove fruitless, and he'll have to do gay porn, just like
everybody else does when they can't pay their house note. You know what
I mean, right people? Uh ... people? |
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 08.
It seems that some of the FEMA money given to the victims of Hurricane
Katrina was used to purchase pornography, breast implants and hookers.
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe the "E" in FEMA stands for
"emergency." I think it's safe to say that porn, huge breasts and
hookers are things one usually needs right away. I know I do. |
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 07.
Kim Jong Il caused a stir earlier this month by conducting a launch of a
Taepodong II missile. It seems that the Lilliputian leader was not
present at the test, as he was "getting it on" with one of his
concubines. Sadly though, Kim, like his Taepodong II missile, only
lasted thirty seconds. |
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 06.
Saddam Hussein is on week one of his hunger strike. The former despot has
refused nourishment until the mockery that is his trial is replaced with
justice. Sadly for Saddam, his ploy was foiled when Iraqi guards
discovered he had been hiding some Nabisco Town House crackers in his
pants. When asked what he learned from this, Saddam replied, "Who wants
to starve? I mean that's just nuts! Next time I'll use a Ritz cracker,
something with less edges and more pants-friendly." [Editor's Note:
Yo, this isn't the first time "Saddam" and "pants-friendly" have gone
together in one of Clemenza's sentences.] |
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 05.
When reviewing human history, what can we say is our greatest achievement?
Of all the art, poetry, marvels of engineering and philosophy, what is
the best that we have to offer? That's easy. As a species, we have only
one example of perfection and that is Anna Falchi's ass. It is sheer
perfection. |
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 04.
Scientists have noted that the Earth is the hottest it has been in
400 years. Why? Because Anna Falchi walks the earth, that's why. The
woman is so hot, she alone is responsible for the melting of at least 31
glaciers. She generates so much heat, even global-warming foe Al Gore is
obsessed with her. Maybe the guy's human after all. [Editor's Note:
I'm only an artificial intelligence editing program, but even I have to
admit, that is one smokin' boo-tay.] |
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 03.
Have you seen this NBC news offering where some wannabe anchorman
documents adults who are trying to set up meeting with under-aged kids
over the Internet? The predator is lured to a house where instead of a
nubile teenage girl, he finds this NBC news dude. Here's the thing: The
news guy is so full of himself that you actually start to wonder what
kind of a world we live in when there is a would-be child molester and a
self-righteous reporter in a room, and you can't decide who is the more
despicable creature. |
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 02.
Regarding the recent Israeli/Hezbollah conflict, John Kerry was quoted as
saying that this kind of thing "would not happen if I were president."
When informed of the comment, an astounded President Bush retorted,
"Would too!" [Editor's Note: Oh, snap!!!] |
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 01.
Woman gets car valet-parked. Valet makes copy of keys and not only stalks
the woman, but hides under her bed for two days. He's found there by the
woman's boyfriend with some extension cords and duct tape. The stalker
claimed he was in love with the woman. I don't know about you, but
nothing says love to me more than extension cords and duct tape. You
see, this is yet another problem I don't need to know about. I don't
wanna live with the fear that maybe, just maybe, there's some douche
living under my bed, armed with a bottle of Wild Turkey and a bandolier
of dildos, eagerly waiting for sleep to overtake me. Think about that
the next time something goes bump in the night!
[Editor's Note: Who you calling a douche? And that Wild Turkey is
for medicinal purposes, baby.] |
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