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Clemenza's Corner (Top
10 for July 2005)
Posted: July 26, 2005
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Archived Top 10 Lists |
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 Editor's
Note: The end times are indeed upon us. No, I haven't been reading the
Left Behind series –- merely reports that Michael Bay, director
of the new futuristic action thriller The Island, allegedly
talked actress Scarlett Johansson out of performing a love scene
topless, after she complained she wasn't happy with the bra she was
supposed to wear. Directors forcing their stars to wear clothing,
whether it's a doe-eyed actress or the Kool-Aid man, are sure signs of
the apocalypse. So look at this month's Top 10 as a series of chicken
entrails outlining the coming Armageddon. --
Kevin Forest Moreau, Head Cossack |
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 10.
I ran across an old interview from Mariah Carey in which she states
that the events of 9/11 created a lot of fear and frustration, and that
her film Glitter became a victim of this atmosphere. She says it
was "safe" to goof on the film, yet she goes on to try to pass off this
cinematic atrocity as some sort of cathartic contribution. I will not
dignify that with a response; however, claiming that 9/11 was the reason
that Glitter blew is like blaming the Korean War for why Plan
9 From Outer Space sucked. What do we need from Mariah? Easy. More
breasts, less talk. |
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 09.
A woman in Illinois recently received a $74,000 water bill. When asked if
this was a mistake, the woman replied that it was not, and that she just
felt really, really unclean after she accidentally brushed up against
Mickey Rourke. |
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 08.
Archeologists in Germany have discovered what they believe to be the
earliest example of pornography in recorded history. They discovered
some clay figurines dating back over 7,000 years depicting sex acts.
However, this find was short-lived after a dude in Peru unearthed
fossils of three woolly mammoths banging a Brontosaurus. |
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 07.
The police chief of Washington D.C. had his car stolen earlier this month.
When asked about the value of the car he replied, "The Crown Vic is
about $23K, but the crack in the trunk is 10 times that much... OH
SNAP!!!" |
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 06.
Saddam Hussein appears to be striking up conversations with his guards,
giving them advice on life and women. My favorite part is Saddam telling
the guards what kind of girl to marry, then going back to "washing his
clothes in the sink." Even if he wasn't Saddam, would you really take
marital advice from someone washing clothes in a sink? |
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 05.
In this PC-sensitive world of ours, sometimes we go too far. I actually
saw a commercial for Kool-Aid in which the revered Kool-Aid pitcher
bursts through a wall wearing pants! I don't know about you, but I long
for the days when love was free, and the Kool-Aid pitcher could just
bust through walls buck naked, whenever he wanted. That's the America I
believe in. |
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 04.
It's easy just to call someone crazy, but chances are if at any time you
are supine on the roof gazing into the distance because you firmly
believe that "the Cossacks are coming," it may be time to pay heed to
your detractors. |
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 03.
One of the original stars of the Dukes Of Hazzard TV show has urged
people not to attend the movie remake because it does not embrace family
values. Family values? Ya mean like the TV show did... where two guys
ran moonshine, their cousin was half-naked, and the sheriff had those
two latex-bound homosexual sex slaves? Wasn't that The Dukes Of
Hazzard? Used to come on Cinemax late Friday nights? No? Never mind. |
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 02.
I thought that love could conquer all. With this in mind I decided to
hand-deliver my single-spaced, ball-point pen-inked manifestos on the
meaning of life to the woman of my dreams, Shirley Manson. It was then
that I discovered the following: Not only does love not conquer all,
most of the time it will just get you tasered and beaten by 300 pound
bodyguards. Alas, that is the price I pay for being a romantic. |
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 01.
A man was arrested for... okay, just go with me on this... A man was
arrested for immersing himself beneath an outdoor women's latrine. One
woman went to use the facilities and looked down to see the man's face.
Creepy, I know! But before you condemn him, you must ask such pertinent
questions as: How? Why? Turns out the dude lost a bet, and he could
either sit through a Tom Cruise film festival, or immerse himself chin
deep in urine and feces. See, now that you know the whole story, it
makes perfect sense! |
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