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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for July 2005)

Posted: July 26, 2005

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Editor's Note: The end times are indeed upon us. No, I haven't been reading the Left Behind series - merely reports that Michael Bay, director of the new futuristic action thriller The Island, allegedly talked actress Scarlett Johansson out of performing a love scene topless, after she complained she wasn't happy with the bra she was supposed to wear. Directors forcing their stars to wear clothing, whether it's a doe-eyed actress or the Kool-Aid man, are sure signs of the apocalypse. So look at this month's Top 10 as a series of chicken entrails outlining the coming Armageddon. -- Kevin Forest Moreau, Head Cossack
10. I ran across an old interview from Mariah Carey in which she states that the events of 9/11 created a lot of fear and frustration, and that her film Glitter became a victim of this atmosphere. She says it was "safe" to goof on the film, yet she goes on to try to pass off this cinematic atrocity as some sort of cathartic contribution. I will not dignify that with a response; however, claiming that 9/11 was the reason that Glitter blew is like blaming the Korean War for why Plan 9 From Outer Space sucked. What do we need from Mariah? Easy. More breasts, less talk.
09. A woman in Illinois recently received a $74,000 water bill. When asked if this was a mistake, the woman replied that it was not, and that she just felt really, really unclean after she accidentally brushed up against Mickey Rourke.
08. Archeologists in Germany have discovered what they believe to be the earliest example of pornography in recorded history. They discovered some clay figurines dating back over 7,000 years depicting sex acts. However, this find was short-lived after a dude in Peru unearthed fossils of three woolly mammoths banging a Brontosaurus.
07. The police chief of Washington D.C. had his car stolen earlier this month. When asked about the value of the car he replied, "The Crown Vic is about $23K, but the crack in the trunk is 10 times that much... OH SNAP!!!"
06. Saddam Hussein appears to be striking up conversations with his guards, giving them advice on life and women. My favorite part is Saddam telling the guards what kind of girl to marry, then going back to "washing his clothes in the sink." Even if he wasn't Saddam, would you really take marital advice from someone washing clothes in a sink?
05. In this PC-sensitive world of ours, sometimes we go too far. I actually saw a commercial for Kool-Aid in which the revered Kool-Aid pitcher bursts through a wall wearing pants! I don't know about you, but I long for the days when love was free, and the Kool-Aid pitcher could just bust through walls buck naked, whenever he wanted. That's the America I believe in.
04. It's easy just to call someone crazy, but chances are if at any time you are supine on the roof gazing into the distance because you firmly believe that "the Cossacks are coming," it may be time to pay heed to your detractors.
03. One of the original stars of the Dukes Of Hazzard TV show has urged people not to attend the movie remake because it does not embrace family values. Family values? Ya mean like the TV show did... where two guys ran moonshine, their cousin was half-naked, and the sheriff had those two latex-bound homosexual sex slaves? Wasn't that The Dukes Of Hazzard? Used to come on Cinemax late Friday nights? No? Never mind.
02. I thought that love could conquer all. With this in mind I decided to hand-deliver my single-spaced, ball-point pen-inked manifestos on the meaning of life to the woman of my dreams, Shirley Manson. It was then that I discovered the following: Not only does love not conquer all, most of the time it will just get you tasered and beaten by 300 pound bodyguards. Alas, that is the price I pay for being a romantic.
01. A man was arrested for... okay, just go with me on this... A man was arrested for immersing himself beneath an outdoor women's latrine. One woman went to use the facilities and looked down to see the man's face. Creepy, I know! But before you condemn him, you must ask such pertinent questions as: How? Why? Turns out the dude lost a bet, and he could either sit through a Tom Cruise film festival, or immerse himself chin deep in urine and feces. See, now that you know the whole story, it makes perfect sense!

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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