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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for July 2004)

Posted: July 21, 2004

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Editor's Note: Despite a thunderous lack of popular demand, Clemenza's regular outpouring of Fears, Hopes, Realizations and Random Thoughts has now been made a recurring monthly feature. Unless you, the people, rise up to stop it, this column will continue to come your way every month! You have been warned. (The opinions, Spike Lee disses, and unwarranted slurs against yours truly do not necessarily reflect the views of Shaking Through -- at least, not that I know of.) -- Kevin Forest Moreau, Editor-in-Chief
 
10. CNN just reported that Michael Jackson is to be the father of quadruplets. This means that the kids will have to take turns being precariously dangled from a balcony by their scandal-tainted dad.
 
09. Also in the news recently was some winner who got drunk, stuck a shotgun down the front of his pants and pulled the trigger. As you can imagine, he suffered serious injuries to his, er, "nether region." Oddly enough, our own editor, Kevin Moreau, also pulled this drunken stunt last year at a Halloween party. After a few beers, he stuck a shotgun down the front of his pants and pulled the trigger...yet he suffered no injuries whatsoever. Draw your own conclusions, people.
 
08. Uruguay. Exactly what are they up to?
 
07. You gotta hand it to Lance Armstrong. He is truly a great athlete. Why is he so successful at the Tour De France? Easy. He's from Texas. Who are you gonna bet on? A tough sinewy Texan, or cycling Eurotrash? My point exactly.
 
06. A man was recently arrested in Florida for hitting his girlfriend with a 3' alligator. Is this really a felony? I mean really, who hasn't at least thought about pelting their significant other with an alligator? Just because this guy had the nuts to do it, we persecute him. Rock on brother!
 
05. You know, in life, sometimes things just don't work out. Sadly, in dreams, the same thing often happens. Last night I dreamt I was in a hot tub with Elizabeth Hurley, Jessica Simpson, and Ona Grauer. Things looked pretty good...until I noticed that Ron "Horshack" Palillo of Welcome Back, Kotter fame, was also in the tub! Can't I ever win? Just once?
 
04. I don't like moppets, puppets, claymation figures, or marionettes. They are all the devil's work.
 
03. With the Summer Olympics upon us, I am reminded of how the ancient Greeks competed nude, covered in olive oil. Then I am glad that Oprah Winfrey was not an ancient Greek.
 
02. In a recent Playboy interview, Spike Lee stated that he would never attend a NASCAR event. After this statement, the remaining 2004 Nextel Cup Series schedule was sold out. In fact, several ticket buyers asked if they could procure a list of other events that Spike would not be attending (other than the Oscars, that is).
 
01. We bid a fond farewell to one of film's greatest actors, Marlon Brando. I'll never forget the time I met him at a restaurant, and he handed me a set of keys and told me to park his car, even though I did not work there and he had no car. Or how he then repeatedly called me "Vienna" and asked if he could wear my shoes. Genius, I tell you. Sheer genius.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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