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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for January 2006)

Posted: January 30, 2006

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Editor's Note: You people think Jack Bauer on 24 has it rough? Sure, he's been shot at, drugged, betrayed, held hostage, even been on the business end of a Taser or two. But has he ever attempted to decode Clemenza's monthly ramblings into something verging on coherence? I ask you -- who's got it worse? Anyway, here's the latest dispatch from behind enemy lines. Advocate readers, listen up: The less-than-sensitive comments regarding matters homosexual are not intended as reflections of the viewpoint of Shaking Through. -- Kevin Forest Moreau, National Insecurity Advisor

10. After receiving a $300 fine for disturbing the peace, a South Korean man exited the courtroom, doused himself with heating oil, returned to the courtroom and set himself ablaze. He was promptly extinguished and then cited another $500 for arson. When it ain't your day, it just ain't your day.

09. Detectives found a mummified body sitting in front of a television set in an upstairs room of a suburban home. The officers were surprised when the misshapen form began to move and attempted to exit the room. Initial indications were that they'd discovered proof of an actual living mummy, but a closer inspection revealed it was just Cybil Shepherd.

08. Did you know that Abraham Lincoln got to be president by wrestling a robot? What? He didn't? Damn this revisionist history!

07. Anthropologists marveled at the discovery of the earliest Mayan writing found at the base of some pyramids in an ancient Mayan ruin. However, they were perplexed when the ancient etchings translated to read "Metallica Rules!"

06. I recently purchased Miami Vice seasons one and two on DVD. After watching several episodes, one thing became very evident to me: That Tubbs was one greasy bastard.

05. Kanye West recently appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone dressed as Jesus wearing a crown of thorns. I have not yet carved out the time to read any of his proclamations, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that he is probably not using the article to thank his stars that he has the success he has. But that's okay, I see the correlation. Jesus was sent as the Son of God to deliver a message of salvation and eternal peace and ultimately died for his beliefs -- and Kanye West sings "Gold Digger." Perhaps a more valid comparison has never been made.

04. A prominent homosexual rights advocacy group has accused the judges of the popular Fox show American Idol of being "homophobic." Now, I have been watching American Idol this season, and I have to say, there's a limit to the number of rotund, ebullient gay mountain men trying to sing Whitney Houston songs that one can take before you begin to question humanity. If that is offensive to some, then welcome to the most underappreciated rule of society: Everybody is someone else's freak, but some people are a freak to everybody.

03. And speaking of homosexuality, WTF is going on with all this Brokeback Mountain crap? Thanks a bunch, Ang Lee! Thanks for shattering the image of the cowboy, the most sacred of all American icons. You managed to make The Hulk without working homosexuality into that. I guess we can look forward to that in the sequel, Brokeback Hulk: Hulk Feel Pretty.

02. The militant terrorist group Hamas has just emerged victorious in the Palestinian legislative elections. Man, I can't wait till we get a full-fledged democracy in Iraq! If Hamas can win, perhaps there is yet hope for the aspiring political career of The Iron Sheik.

01. Recent tabloids have suggested that Kiefer Sutherland has an ongoing battle with alcoholism. Have you seen the show 24, people? Brother man has saved the United States like three times from nuclear and chemical annihilation. He's been shot, Tasered, drugged, hunted by the Chinese government, and held hostage numerous times, and he's shot at least 79 suspected terrorists. If anyone deserves an occasional beer buzz, it's Jack Bauer. The country has walls that need protecting, people!

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