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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for January 2005)

Posted: January 24, 2005

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Editor's Note: Time for a New Year's resolution. Every month, I preface Clemenza's Top 10 list of random thoughts with some kind of plea for you people to rise up in protest via a mass e-mailing campaign. Well, no more. My words are obviously falling on deaf ears (or eyeballs -- whatever). You people are obviously fine with Clemenza's monthly forum for discussing whatever the heck passes through his poorly insulated noggin. So fine. Welcome to it, I say. We'll see who has the last laugh when the robots take over. Plus, this month's list is actually kinda funny. -- Kevin Forest Moreau, Switching Over to the Dark Side
10. We are currently in the grip of frigid temperatures across these United States. In fact, one Minnesota town actually dropped to minus 54 degrees. Those are harsh elements to be sure, but there's no finer time to go to Hooters.
09. In Palo Alto, California, a school principal invited a guest speaker to talk to the kids there for career day. Only thing is, this dude told a bunch of eighth graders that stripping and exotic dancing can bring in about a quarter of a million dollars a year, "depending on your bust size." After the heat the principal took for this, he immediately canceled the next day's self esteem speech by Jenna Jameson, as well as an "importance of good citizenship speech" by Mike Tyson and a lecture of responsible alcohol use from Ted Kennedy.
08. I often wonder who would win in a war between clowns and mimes. Mimes have the edge in stealth, but clowns have those big-ass shoes -- and seltzer bottles. When you combine that with the fact that the mimes would be confined to using imaginary rifles, it's probably the clowns' war to lose.
07. One recent headline was too good to pass up: "Beating Of Queens Satanist Prompts Hate Crime Charge." Where does one start with this? Apparently, this winner walked about town in creepy black garb complete with the upside-down crucifix -- the whole satanic nine yards -- and got his ass beat by some locals. An interview later revealed that the man attempted to conjure up a demon or two to smite his attackers, but was unable to do so. It's tough when non-believers are administering multiple wedgies in the middle of your demonic incantation. The moral? If you're a Satanist, you'd better have Satan actually with you before you walk through Queens.
06. A postal worker from Florida took over a month to claim his $34.7 million lottery prize. Why so long? He had to divorce his wife, from whom he had been separated for three years, before pocketing the bread. The money probably saved the woman's life. I mean really, he was separated and a postal worker. If the words "lottery winner" weren't attached to him, the words "shooting spree" probably would have been.
05. Honda recently webcast the progress of their ASIMO humanoid robot. ASIMO was able to walk upright, and then run at approximately 3/km per hour across a room. This is wonderful news. until he becomes self-aware, gets a ray gun and starts killing everyone. This is how it starts, people!
04. Who the heck is running MTV? How many crappy reality shows can you pack into a 24-hour schedule? I remember flipping on MTV and seeing that scary dude from Flock Of Seagulls, or that Judas Priest video where the guy's head explodes. Hell, even Beavis and Butthead. Now I have to see a group of 18-year-olds sit around and cry 'cause they hurt each other's feelings! WTF??!!! Robots are now up and running, people! It's time to get our act together! These sensitivity issues will seem like a distant memory when ASIMO is crushing your windpipe with its icy, titanium claw!
03. I say people should be free to love whomever they please. Except for Brigitte Nielsen and Flavor Flav. At the very least, these two should be sterilized to prevent this unholy coupling from bringing the anti-Christ into the world.
02. Have you seen VH1's The Surreal Life? Well, unless you want to see a drunken Verne Troyer ride a scooter in the nude and urinate on Peter Brady's bedroom wall, I'd say go ahead and skip it. That image is forever burned into my mind. Run while you can.
01. We bid farewell to Johnny Carson, a man who defined late-night television before shows were handed out to the semi-retarded on a bi-weekly basis. He was a pioneer and a legend, and he will be missed. He passed away Saturday night from complications due to emphysema. Oddly enough, ASIMO's whereabouts are unaccounted for during that time.

The end... or just the beginning?

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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