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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for February 2006)

Posted: February 22, 2006

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Editor's Note: I tell you, the past couple of weeks have been murder here at Shaking Through World Headquarters. Seriously, you have no idea how difficult it is to try and get Kevin Federline, Vanilla Ice and Clemenza booked on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney. Clemenza himself is no help -- he just sits in his office all day, playing "Cowboys are Frequently Secretly Fond of Each Other" and staring at his autographed Corey Haim photo. But I have a mission, and will not be deterred. -- Kevin Forest Moreau, Campaign Manager
 
10. Vice President Dick Cheney has taken some heat for capping a fellow hunter at a Texas ranch earlier this month. Instead of waiting to issue a statement, Cheney should have seized this opportunity to deliver a Hulk Hogan-like speech to Al Qaeda declaring, "I'm gonna get you Osama! I don't play... not even the radio! If I shoot my friends, imagine what I'll do to you if you stick your dirty towel-wrapped head out of the filthy cave you're hiding in!" Then he should have ripped off his shirt and pulled his own heart out just to hammer his point home. It was his chance to matter.
 
09. A bus driver in Pennsylvania had about all he could take from a female passenger who became verbally abusive after the driver missed her stop. After incessant insults, the driver rose, grabbed the woman by the hair, slammed her head into a pole on the bus, opened the doors, and threw her out into traffic. There is one word for this man: HERO.
 
08. Has anyone seen that chick from the GoDaddy.com commercials? She exists to prove two points. The first is that male homosexuality cannot be something one chooses. The second is that female homosexuality is mandatory. I mean really, people... look at her! Am I wrong?
 
07. Speaking of lesbianism, let's give a shout-out to the New York all-female band Lez Zeppelin. These chicks cover all the Zeppelin hits and have quite a following among original fans of the band. One fan was heard to say, "It's just like watching the original band, but without penises." Can there be a higher endorsement than that?
 
06. Malaysia has created a team to track and capture Bigfoot. It seems they have had enough of all the speculation and are willing to roll up their sleeves and get to the bottom of it. As noble as their intentions were, the team faced ridicule when they brought back what appeared to be the mythical hairy beast, but after a thorough medical examination turned out to be a vacationing Rosie O'Donnell! Keep rocking, my Malaysian brothers! It was an honest mistake. Bigfoot will slip up one day. And when he does, you will be there.
 
05. Just when all this Brokeback Mountain crap was starting to die down, Willie Nelson decides to break out an old song about the homosexual inclinations of cowboys. Why, Willie, why? Let it go. Please. No good can come of this. Do you want to see Ricky Martin in a gay cowboy outfit? Do you? Then knock it off!
 
04. Barry Manilow has topped the charts once again -- this time with his latest release of hits from the 1950s. Now, everyone makes fun of this dude, but someone is buying these albums. And who do you think that is? You guessed it: Gay cowboys!
 
03. A man visiting a museum in England tripped and knocked a few vases from the Quing Dynasty onto the ground, breaking them. At first, the incident was dismissed as an accident, until that same dude was later discovered dry-humping a Faberge Egg in another exhibit. The moral: Perverts go to museums.
 
02. The Winter Olympics are upon us, and still the all-female nude luge has not been accepted even as a demonstrator sport. Free your mind, Olympic Council!
 
01. Kevin Federline is now supposed to be a musician? He is as much of a musician as the old bewildered Nigerian man who hangs at the corner banging spoons against a bus stop pole while rhythmically shouting the word "Matooooba!" Unlike Federline, at least when that man stops his spontaneous urban concert, he can put his spoons away comfortable in the fact that although life may not have dealt him the best hand, at least he's not a douche bag.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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