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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for February 2005)

Posted: February 25, 2005

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Editor's Note: It’s that time of the month, dear readers: Herewith, your regular collection of Clemenza’s jumbled thoughts. Just a quick reminder that the ideas, opinions and slurs against various nationalities expressed in this column are in no way reflective of Shaking Through, blah blah blah. Except for the part about hot Geometry teachers and “Weekend Update” –- he’s right on-target with those two. -- Kevin Forest Moreau, Editor-in-Chief
 
10. A photograph on an Islamic web site earlier this month showed a photo of what appeared to be a soldier being held hostage. A representative for Dragon Models USA, however, recognized the soldier as "Special Ops Cody," an action figure sold by the company. Our own Special Operations Command commanders in Iraq responded by saying "After the discovery that the subject in the photo was a toy, I think it is now safe to dismiss claims that our 186th Slinky Battalion has been captured, and that Chewbacca is being held captive."
 
09. In Tennessee a very hot grade-school teacher was charged with having sex with a 13-year-old boy. Ya want an effective "stay in school" Campaign? Well, there it is! When I was 13, my school was filled with sexually repressed, estrogen-deficient nuns. Now, hot blonde Phys Ed teachers have sex with you!!! If that had been the reward in Geometry class back when I was in school, maybe I'd know what a protractor is for and what a rhombus is. What's more effective, a PSA from Laura Bush extolling the virtues of literacy, or a topless blonde covered in suntan oil saying "I'll see you in class"? You be the judge.
 
08. In Idaho, a teenage girl was scalped (that's right, I said scalped!) for "showing disrespect towards women." The thing is, she was scalped by another chick! First Napoleon Dynamite, now this! Hey Idaho... settle the F%*K down, why don't ya!
 
07. A marine general recently got into some hot water by declaring "It's fun to shoot some people." What's wrong with this? As the general went on to say, some people just need shootin.' These are Marines, people, not the Sierra Club! You want to worry about something? Worry about the fact that our kids are scalping each other in darkest Idaho!
 
06. Scientists in China are creating hybrids, or Chimeras, creatures with the features of two different species. My question is simple. Why are we crossing a chimp with an aardvark when we could be creating a woman with the breasts of Jennifer Tilly, the body of Jessica Simpson and the sex drive of a nymphomaniac? I posed this question to Dr. Zhang of Beijing University. His response was: "What you care? If we make chimpvark or big American woman with #1 chest, you no have sex with either one anyway! Bwahhh haaaa haaaaa!!!" Damn, those Chinese can be mean bastards.
 
05. In Jacksonville, Florida, a man took out a $17,000 ad in the local newspaper to try to win back his estranged wife. Lemme get this straight. Your wife left you, you’re home alone AND you got $17K to blow, and this is the best idea you could come up with? That's just weak, brother.
 
04. In Georgia, a transvestite injected silicone into another man in an attempt to give him "feminine features." The man later died. Why? 'Cause this silicone was an industrial sealant -– basically, the stuff you spread around windows and doors. Sure, this dude could have had his buddy put on a bra and shove some socks into it, but knowledge of industrial chemicals aside, I give him props for keeping it real!
 
03. A recent study suggested that a chimp would forgive a friend or family member if they shortchange him or her in some way. If a stranger perpetrates the inequity, however, the chimp will gnaw the offender's eyes out. While this may seem cruel and unusual, who are we to question their way of life? It may be crude, but I've yet to hear of a chimp scalping a fellow chimp, or injecting him with silicone! Four words, people: Planet Of The Apes! Think about it.
 
02. Iran is now on the nuclear hot seat while North Korea thumps its chest declaring that it has nuclear weapons. Meanwhile, Nepal, eager not to let these other rouge nations outshine them, has declared it has been receiving illegal cable for 4 years now.
 
01. I don't know much, but I know that Tina Fey is hot. Now that she shares the SNL news desk with Amy Poehler, I can think of no better way for them to sign off than by saying "Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow," and then start furiously making out on top of the desk. It's a small wish, I know, but it's these little dreams that keep hope alive!

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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