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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for December 2004)

Posted: December 23, 2004

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Editor's Note: Once again, it's Christmastime, that season of giving and good will toward our fellow men. Nevertheless, I must now present to you this month's installment of Clemenza's random musings, rants, and nuggets of way-too-personal information. Don't take it personally. Anyway, all opinions and TMI expressed herein are solely those of Clemenza and do not represent the mindset of anyone at Shaking Through World Headquarters, blah blah blah. Happy holidays. -- Kevin Forest Moreau, The Spirit of Christmas
 
10. A recent article told the story of a wife who deeply regretted her husband's huge lottery win. She said he was not the same man. He bought himself fur coats, big hats and gold teeth, but she says not one single dime was put aside to deal with the family's horrific CHUD infestation. And you thought termites were bad!
 
09. Bennington College in Vermont has a slightly odd tradition. It seems that campus nudity is allowed. That's right, nubile, naked co-eds strut about in the buff throughout the school's campus. This explains why Rosie O'Donnell's applications to the school have been perpetually denied.
 
08. Staying with a scholarly theme: A linguist from the University of Pittsburg is devoting some time to studying the origins of the word "dude." Meanwhile, in China, pre-teens learn to assemble scramjet engines to deliver nuclear payloads well into the heart of the continental United States. But the last laugh will be ours when they use the word "dude" but have no idea where it came from!
 
07. "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott is with us no more after being gunned down onstage, and we are lesser for it. What kind of a world do we live in when a man with the name of "Dimebag" gets shot to death?
 
06. John McEnroe's MSNBC talk show has been cancelled due to abysmal ratings. When asked about the move, MSNBC executives replied: "He had a what? Where? Here? Really!"
 
05. Josh Brolin raises his hand to the ultra-sexy Diane Lane and is forgiven. I stand outside her window singing songs I wrote just for her, and the cops shoot me with tasers and drag me off to a cell where I spend the night with three drunken Czech men and a transvestite named Wally. I ask you: Is this justice?
 
04. Man puts lava lamp on stove. It gets too hot and explodes, sending a shard of glass into the man's heart, killing him. Why a lava lamp on a stove? Simple, 'cause that's how he rolled, bitch!
 
03. Hardee's is bucking the health-kick trend with its new Monster Thickburger containing 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat. Shortly after this announcement, Rosie O'Donnell, distraught after her latest application to Bennington College was denied, bought controlling interest in Hardee's.
 
02. In a recent 60 Minutes interview, Bob Dylan declared "I'm no prophet!" "No prophet?" quipped Ed Bradley. "I thought he was the dude who was delivering my dry-cleaning. That's Bob Dylan?"
 
01. A Utah man, who was fined by police for driving with a broken tail light, went to the courthouse and paid the $82 fine in pennies. That's right -- pennies! That's the way to stick it to the man! Sadly, this gentleman caught the officers at the courthouse in a rather foul mood that day. The same fellow appeared a bit bedraggled as he issued the following statement, shortly after being released from a doctor's office: "I did not think that the human rectum could actually hold 8,200 pennies. Turns out I was wrong."

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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