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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for August 2005)

Posted: August 23, 2005

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Editor's Note: You know how you'll watch a show and a commentator will come on, like Lewis Black or, say, Andy Rooney? And then they'll construct a coherent, structured essay on some topic or other? And manage to be very funny, not to mention maybe even insightful, in the process? Well... don't you just hate that? For your reading pleasure, then, I present another random list from our own Z-movie maven, Clemenza, a man who's not afraid to say things no one else would ever think - or to beat a dead horse (dude, the Vicente Fox thing is so over!). -- Kevin Forest Moreau, Shaking Through Action Eyewitness News
10. Mexico's own Vicente Fox, recently in hot water over a few poorly phrased words on racial relations, received the endorsement of none other than Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan, who said that Vicente was just speaking the truth. Sadly, this alliance was destroyed after Farrakhan attempted to throw a piece of paper into a nearby trashcan and missed, prompting Vicente to blurt out, "Wow, I thought you people were good at basketball... uh... umm... hey, slap my hand, black soul man!"
09. The writers of the Iraqi constitution missed the deadline for completing the final draft of the historic work. And why? I'll tell you why. It's because they were up all night talking on the phone and playing Madden 2006 instead of working on the constitution.
08. Marc Cohn, the crooner who sang the ever beloved tune "Walking In Memphis" (subsequently butchered by Cher), was shot in the head during a carjacking attempt earlier this month. Cohn survived and is currently doing well. Meanwhile, the guy who sang "Mambo #5" has not even been shot at yet. Where's the justice? Always looking for a silver lining, Cohn has decided to market himself with a harder edge under the stage name Marc "For Death" Cohn.
07. Pat Robertson has called for the U.S. to assassinate the president of Venezuela. On the record, U.S. officials rebuked the call, but off the record one official gave Robertson a map of Venezuela and a snub-nosed revolver and told him to "see what he could do." The official also urged Robertson to see what he could do about collecting that open bounty on the head of Ryan Seacrest.
06. A man in Florida was sentenced to death for killing his wife with a hammer. It seems that the man struck his spouse in the head with said hammer in excess of 70 times because she wanted to "cuddle" while he wanted to watch sports. Ladies, what can I tell you? No means NO!!
05. I think we all sleep peacefully knowing that our law enforcement personnel are out there on the front lines protecting us from the bad guys. Perhaps no finer example of this can be found than when a 67-year-old grandmother honked her car horn at police in Kansas City, and they responded by asking her to exit the car. When she refused, they shot her with a Taser. Finally, someone has stood up against the filth and scum, and given new meaning to the words "To Protect and Serve." Stay classy, Kansas City!
04. Traditional thought is that the human eyes' rods and cones could only be scrambled by direct exposure to an extremely powerful and damaging light source. This belief was proven wrong when someone sent me a photo of a shirtless Carrot Top.
03. It is said the inventors of atomic fission were among the most brilliant minds in history. Me, I'm gonna say it was the guy who invented pants.
02. With ever-increasing fuel prices, the time has come to develop alternative fuel sources. The problem is that the oil companies do their best to suppress new technologies. I say we use this against them. If our government offered a $900 billion patent for whomever comes up with a practical alternative to fossil fuel, a day later we'd have cars that run on garbage and Sergio Mendez albums.
01. Peter Jennings is now reporting from that great news desk in the sky. I don't know if ghosts exist, but if they do, I hope Jennings comes back and scares the crap out of Dan Rather. Good night.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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