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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for August 2004)

Posted: August 25, 2004

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Editor's Note: We here at Shaking Through World Headquarters are not responsible for the opinions or, er, witticisms expressed by our B-movie maven. We are pretty sure, though, that he's the only one who even remembers Wishmaster. If you have issues with the content (or quality) of this Top 10 List, write the man himself. Or he'll just keep doing this, month after ever-loving month. -- Kevin Forest Moreau, a.k.a. the Morris Day of Shaking Through
10. I just read that Saddam Hussein is writing poetry to pass the time before he's burned alive and eaten by the Iraqi citizenry. Some of his works include "Death To Bush," "Burn Bush Burn," "Saddam Hurt Bush," and my personal favorite, "Scimitar In The Eye Of the Infidel Bush." Good to see Saddam's keeping busy in the Big House.
09. There was a local news story about two men playing chess. No big deal, right? Of course not. Not until one player (I can only presume the loser) rammed his opponent's head through a window. How does this happen, you ask? Remember the Chess Club in high school? You can only take so many wedgies before one day you just snap.
08. Scientists have injected fat, lazy mice with a special hormone that turned them into "super mice." This is why people say science has no practical applications. What is a fat, lazy person going to do with a "super mouse?"
07. Who can forget that esteemed 60 Minutes personality Mike Wallace was recently cited for disorderly conduct? It turns out he was forcing Morley Safer's head into a bowl of scalding spinach-and-artichoke dip because Morley insisted that Budweiser is "less filling" while Wallace declared that it "tastes great."
06. I happened to catch one of the Wishmaster films on cable last night. Am I the only one who thinks that the evil genie looks like Norm Macdonald?
05. Doctors have recently announced that maggots are making a "medical comeback" in the treatment of certain diseases. Next stop: Leeches! Check your HMO plans now, people!
04. Why do reporters covering news in war zones feel compelled to wear that tan "action" field coat with the epaulets? Ever see Dan Rather with that jacket? That's one hombre muy malo to be sure!
03. A man at a Filipino wedding "accidentally" touched the bride's behind. Two witnesses to the offense took the man out of the building, drove him to a remote location and killed him. But they didn't stop there, oh, no indeed. These upstanding citizens then ate pieces of his flesh, and as a bonus, served parts of the man to what I can only hope was an unsuspecting wedding party. The moral of the story? Don't touch a Filipino bride's ass.
02. We all answer to someone. We answer to our boss. He answers to his bosses. They answer to their bosses. No matter who you are, at some point you are brutally reminded of your position in the pecking order of life. It's just like watching the video for "Jungle Love." At some point or another, we are all Jerome to someone else's Morris Day.
01. Rick James is dead. One of the pioneers of funk and unlawful imprisonment is with us no more. I can only hope that he is burning angels with a crack pipe in heaven even as we speak. Rest in peace, bro.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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