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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for April 2006)

Posted: April 25, 2006

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Editor's Note: I recently purchased an experimental editing program called "Editron XL 6000" for $25 on eBay, so I wouldn't have to spend the time and aggravation of editing copy from Station, Clemenza, the Gentleman and Vincenzo. Then I got the bright idea to test it on Clemenza's latest Top 10 list. Apparently this thing was put together from an old, discarded beta version of artificial intelligence software. It's SpellCheck crossed with HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey. But oddly enough, I think it made this month's column that much better. -- Editron XL 6000
10. It has been reported that former swimsuit model May Anderson was denied entry into the United States after she struck a flight attendant on a flight from Amsterdam to Miami. Here’s a hint: When a firm-bodied, blonde swimsuit model from the Netherlands wants to come to my country, LET HER IN! I don’t care if she has a tactical nuclear warhead strapped to her left thigh. If we can look the other way while 12 million illegal immigrants mosey into the country, we can certainly forgive May.
09. Whatever happened to Loni Anderson? No word from her at all. Where does Burt Reynolds have her buried? [Editor’s Note: Clearly, Clemenza isn’t a fan of VH-1's So NoTORIous.] [Clemenza's Note: Oh, so that's where she's been buried! Man, what a horrible way to go!]
08. A man died when the foundation of his home was swallowed up by a huge hole beneath it. It has been suggested that the home resided over an abandoned mine shaft, which means that mine shaft is now open. Open mine shafts and mysterious deaths? Is it just me or is this story taking on an eerie similarity to -- The Boogens?
07. A teacher in California who kept a 40mm shell on his desk received a nasty surprise when he tried to use said shell to kill a bug. He slammed it down, popped the primer and blew off his right hand. While it has been said that knowledge is power, stupidity has to be the switch that turns the power off.
06. Hey Iran, enough already with the professional wrestling-style international warnings. This is the equivalent of letting a country be run by Randy "Macho Man" Savage, except that I think he probably showered on a regular basis. [Editor's Note: Unlike Clemenza.] [Clemenza's Note: Hey, get out of my Top 10 list!]
05. Gilbert Gottfried has been declared the world’s "unsexiest man." Here’s the worst part. Osama Bin Laden came in at #8. Man, how does that feel? The world’s most infamous criminal, who lives in caves, and has not shaved since the early '90s, has been declared to be "sexier" than you. Somewhere, Willie Nelson’s self esteem has just gotten a great boost.
04. I’m calling out The Olive Garden right now for their use of croutons with a surface hardness equivalent to an uncut diamond. WTF! If your intent was to shatter the enamel on my bicuspids before I could enjoy my "tour of Italy," mission accomplished!
03. Again with another Burger King commercial! This time the King wakes up in bed to see a gay construction worker staring at him. All right already! We got the message form the first commercial. The Burger King is gay! This is 2006, people! We’re okay with it. Let it go.
02. Al Jazeera played an audio tape it claimed came from Osama Bin Laden. Government officials were almost convinced that it was recent. But upon closer scrutiny, Osama could be heard singing along with Night Ranger’s "When You Close Your Eyes," which is played in the background. CIA officials now think that the tape is part of an aborted '80s terrorist campaign to unleash bad music on an unsuspecting populace. [Editor's Note: The Thompson Twins could not be reached for comment and are presumed to be hiding in Tora Bora.] [Clemenza's Note: Hey, I didn't write that line!]
01. Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney, recently in the news for striking a security guard who attempted to stop her when she circumvented a metal detector, has apologized for her actions. We’re all missing the real story here. I think it’s fantastic when the little girl who played Dee on What’s Happening can grow up to be a congresswoman. No limits, baby!

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