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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for April 2005)

Posted: April 23, 2005

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Editor's Note: Dear Carla Gugino: If you happen to read Clemenza's Top 10 rants and random thoughts this month, please disregard his tasteless and vulgar comments about your topless scene in Sin City. He obviously is only interested in you for your body, while I, on the other hand, celebrate your entire body of work. You kicked ass in the late, lamented Karen Sisco. You were the best thing about Spin City in the Michael J. Fox era. You brought deep levels of nuance to overlooked gems like Jaded and Judas Kiss. Clemenza doesn't -- dare I say, can't  -- appreciate you the way I do. Just FYI. -- Kevin Forest Moreau, Editor-in-Chief
10. I saw Sin City this month and had an epiphany. A day without seeing Carla Gugino topless is like hearing Suzanne Vegaís "Tom's Diner" without the DNA remix. Sure, it's still the same song, but we are lesser for the omission of the mesmerizing jungle rhythms.
09. Speaking of Suzanne Vega, I was listening to an '80s station and caught that toe-tappin' child-abuse ditty entitled "Luka." You remember him...the kid who lived on the second floor? This got me thinking: Is this just a kid getting beat up, or is there more to it? We all thought what happened to that little girl in The Ring was terrible, but look how that turned out. Iím just sayin'... what do we REALLY know about Luka?
08. The world is now less one Crowded House drummer. This cat decided to pull the plug on himself a few weeks back. Brah, I know it's been awhile since you had a hit, but you don't see the dudes in XTC setting themselves on fire outside their old recording studio, do you?
07. Atlanta superstar quarterback Michael Vick is a man of many talents -- and apparently one nasty STD. It seems Mike is being sued for transmitting herpes to a female companion. Prosecutors produced evidence that Vick sought treatment for the ailment under the name Ron Mexico. Címon, Mike -- Ron Mexico? Thank God he took Geography at Virginia Tech, otherwise thereís no telling what clever alias heíd have concocted. 'Cause when you donít want your identity known, ya wanna pick a real low-key name, like Joe Smith, George White, or Ron Mexico. Sounds like a Central American porn star.
06. Did someone say porn? Did you know that before he was a champion of Communism, Mao Tse Tung actually did porno under the name "Mousy Tongue"? Itís true.
05. Police in Arizona are considering training chimps for utilization on their SWAT teams. The idea is that the chimp can be outfitted with gear and enter a dwelling with more mobility than a robot or a morbidly obese Arizona SWAT officer. The chimp would be outfitted with a Kevlar vest, a camera and a two-way radio. Wait a second -- A two-way radio?!! WTF does a chimp need with a two-way radio? Whatever they do, just donít give them rifles. That is how Planet of The Apes got started, people!
04. Our enlightened friends in Los Angeles have decided to construct a multimillion-dollar facility for the homeless that includes a hair salon, gym and movie theatre. Hell, throw in some bikini chicks and Iíll consider becoming homeless myself. Typical Los Angeles. "We canít help you get a home, but while youíre here, at least work out and get your hair done so you wonít look like youíre homeless." On second thought, give those chimps rifles after all and send 'em into California. We'll all be better off, I'm tellin' ya.
03. You think it would be cool to meet a genie, but I'm here to tell you, it wouldn't. There's always a catch. If you wish for lesbians, you ainít gonna get Angelina Jolie and Carla Gugino. No way, bub, you're gonna get the full-on Janet Reno and Billy Jean King experience. Screw you, genies!
02. An 81-year-old woman shopping for a car apparently hit her husband, the salesman, the wall and finally a tree before the car came to a halt. After exiting the vehicle the woman declared, "I liked the way it ran over you two, but I was disappointed in how it handled the wall and the tree. No sale."
01. An arrest warrant has been issued for American Pie actress Natasha Lyonne, who allegedly threatened to, uh, molest her neighborís dog. Note to self: Purchase house next to Natasha Lyonne. Also purchase dog suit.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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