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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for April 2004)

Posted: April 7, 2004

Archived Top 10 Lists
 
Due to the overwhelming popularity of my first Top 10 list (which that bastard Moreau has thoughtfully buried deeper than the Mariana Trench) I have decided to again step out of the B-movie realm and share my fears, hopes, observations, and random thoughts.

I call it: Clemenza's Fears, Hopes, Observations, and Random Thoughts.
 
10. I think it's safe to say that I died just a little when I saw Steven Seagal doing a Mountain Dew commercial. Now I don't believe in nuthin' no more.
 
09. There was a story recently about two people who came to blows over a discussion of Mel Gibson's The Passion. The loser of the fight proclaimed his devotion to Jesus, while oddly, the victor also thanked Jesus for giving him the power to strike his opponent and detach his retina. I'm glad to see the healing power of religion is alive and well.
 
 
08. Kudos to The Rock for bringing back Walking Tall. What we need is more movies about a guy hitting people with a 2x4. There's an elemental simplicity there that cannot be denied. You doubt me? Not if I threatened you with a 2x4, you wouldn't.
 
07. If you ever wondered whether the forces of nature and fate conspire to oppress the just and perpetuate evil, consider this headline: "J. Lo's Mother Wins $2.4 Million Dollar Jackpot." I know you'll join me in thanking the stars that she'll no longer have to toil as the mother of a multi-millionaire daughter. These are the feel-good stories that just make you wanna keep on living.
 
06. You want reality TV? Check out American Chopper. It is the Michelangelo's David of the genre, a work of flawless beauty that speaks to the human condition in ways that cannot be replicated.
 
05. If there's a cookie more savory than a homemade chocolate chip, I have not tasted it.
 
04. Enough with Michael Caine already! Is there any film he hasn't been in?
 
03. The upcoming presidential election fills me with dread. Just like when I heard that Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo was being staged as a Broadway production.
 
02. I think I speak for millions when I say: It is high time for a remake of C.H.U.D.
 
01. A recent article on CNN.com detailed how the Gotti crime family tried to extort money from Steven Seagal. Well, that explains a lot. At least now I understand now why he did those Mountain Dew commercials.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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