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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for 2003)

Posted: March 19, 2004

Archived Top 10 Lists
 
Okay, it's my turn. This site has more Top 10 lists than the writers' staff meeting at Dave Letterman's show. Top 10 this and Top 10 that. Moreau gets the Top 10 music, Top 10 comics -- and who's this Gentleman guy, anyway? Station has so many freakin' lists I don't even know what the hell he's ranking anymore. To which I can only say: Where's mine? So before Vincenzo gets his own list, it's time for me to set a precedent here. These are the top 10 things I witnessed in 2003. Yeah, I know you're supposed to do a list of movies, or CDs, or whatever, but basically I'm gonna do it this way because I can. Glad we got that out of the way. So here they are: movies, musings, news, whatever struck me as disturbing or interesting in the past year.
 
10. Home Movies on the Cartoon Network. Coach McGuirk (an alcoholic, rage-aholic kids' soccer coach) is a hero to me. Great stuff.
 
09. While passing a movie theatre, I saw what can only be described as a "slap-fight" between two teams of youths arguing over which trilogy is the greatest: Lord Of The Rings or the Star Wars Trilogy. This weighty matter was settled to my satisfaction when some high school football players intervened and stuffed the combatants into the recycle bins outside the box office. Checks and balances, people; without them there would be anarchy!
 
 
08. There was the Shaking Through Christmas party, where I witnessed Kevin Moreau's date for the evening -- some tart who looked like she came from a discount escort service, if you know what I'm saying -- dry humping a cardboard cutout of The Rock.
 
07. And then regrettably there was the Shaking Through New Year's party, where I accidentally witnessed Moreau himself getting busy with that same cutout. When he saw me, he said he tripped into it. I'd like to believe that. I really would.
 
06. Finally! Thanks to WGN, I can see Steven Seagal movies every weekend! You can't just watch Marked For Death once and expect to catch all the subtleties.
 
05. Then there was the abject horror of Watching Jeepers Creepers 2, only to have Laurence Station gleefully inform me that the director is a convicted sex offender. In a perfect world, we would simply "liquidate" people like him. And then we should do something about that director.
 
04. If there was a greater action sequence than Uma Thurman carving up the Japanese Mafia in Kill Bill, I have not seen it. Action cinema at its finest!
 
03. After catching Salem's Lot on TV, I'm reminded of something my great-grandfather once told me: "If you're gonna kill a vampire, get an early start, say 8 or 9 am. Leave plenty of room for error. Don't be a cabbagehead and show up around 6 pm." He was right, but his generation was so much more motivated than we are today.
 
02. After the ascendancy of Ahnuld to Governor of Cal-ee-fornia, I can only hope that Chuck Norris comes to his senses and seeks political office, soon.
 
01. By far the image that sticks with me the most is the heaving breasts of Ona Grauer in the struggling horror flick House of the Dead. When the studios finally come to their senses and create a feature-length Wonder Woman movie, she should play the lead. Remember people, that was my idea if it actually happens.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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