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Clemenza's Corner (Top 10 for 666)

Posted: June 6, 2006

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Editor's Note: The more astute among you may have noticed that this Top 10 list is posted on June 6. (Assuming, of course, that this column has "astute" readers.") Apparently, Clemenza just couldn't resist waiting until 6/6/06 to unleash his latest brain dump -- er, I mean "insightful comments" -- on an unsuspecting populace. Like the sudden career resurgence of Howie Mandel and the devil-shaped mole that magically appeared on Vincenzo's bald head last week, it's just another sign of the impending apocalypse!!!. -- Kevin Forest Moreau, The Beast
 
10. A Philadelphia man talked to the local "action news" team there about a story that seemed too brutal to be true. It seems his wife tore off two parts of his genitalia with her bare hands during a fit of rage. Now, I don't know much about the power dynamics of relationships, but I think it's fair to suggest that if a husband gets his nuts ripped off by his wife, a loss of anal sovereignty can't be far away. I suspect this dude has a brutal road ahead of him.
 
09. Finally, some good news! Reports from China indicate that women there are in need of bigger bras. This is simply awesome. Word is that A cup bras are no longer being produced and that production of C and D cup bras is increasing rapidly over there. See, here is a country that has its priorities in order. While we fret over illegal immigration and gay marriage, China just grows babes with huge racks. So much for the Asian penchant for making things smaller and more efficient.
 
08. In a recent interview, Bill Gates declared that he wishes he wasn't so rich. You know, back in Philly there's a dude who just had his balls torn off, and Bill Gates is bitching 'cause he's too rich. You see, this is a perfect example of an imagined problem versus a real problem. When you have to keep firing your butler 'cause he doesn't appear subservient enough that's an imagined problem. When you sit in an inner city emergency room with your nuts in a Ziploc bag and discover that your HMO will only pay to have one reattached, well now, that's a real problem.
 
07. Mickey Rourke has pledged his support to President George W. Bush. Call me crazy, but I think I see the next Republican presidential hopeful here. Trust me, when Osama hears the words "President Rourke," he'll know the games are over.
 
06. A man recently charged with some flavor of sexual misconduct was deemed "too short" to go to jail. It seems this dude hovered around the 5' mark, which would only put him at about the waist level of the other inmates. What could possibly go wrong there?
 
05. Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has stated that he will go to Germany to see his team play in the World Cup if they progress to the second round. The president has not yet decided if he will wear a nacho hat, or sport a giant Number One foam finger. A rainbow-colored wig may not be out of the question, either. That crazy Mahmoud! Is there anything he won't do?
 
04. A group of religious fundamentalists in the United States has gathered to pray "against the devil" of the date of 6-6-06, the so-called "number of the beast." When asked if this was an unusual phenomenon, a well-known Bible scholar declared, "No, not really. History shows that there have been idiots around for centuries."
 
03. Batwoman is scheduled to be "re-imagined" as a 5'10", redheaded lesbian crime fighter. Finally, someone is tapping into the psyche of the American male. I suggest episode one be called "Good Vibrations" and feature Wonder Woman and the employees of any local Hooters. It writes itself. Really it does.
 
02. Some people have called the birth of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's child the "most anticipated birth since Jesus Christ." We call these people -- assholes.
 
01. WTF do Brad Grey and David Chase think they are doing to The Sopranos? The season finale was an abomination. You know these dudes have hit the wall creatively. They think they can write anything and I'll watch it? Nuts to that, man! The world is a big place. I don't need to sit around waiting for something to happen on their crappy show. Chinese women have huge racks. Dudes are getting their nuts ripped off by zany wives. Batwoman is a lesbian. Can HBO offer me this? I think not! Give me some hot sex, some gruesome murders and some wacked-out shit, fast. And that goes for the producers of American Idol, too.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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