Clemenza's Corner (2005
Posted: January 03, 2006
Archived Top 10 Lists
Remarks: Don't you hate it when Moreau and Station make their little
hipster music lists at the end of each year? Moreau will select anyone
so long as they have never covered an Eagles song, while Station will
travel to the ends of the musical world in search of the most obscure
jungle/techno rhythms in his never-ending quest to be on the cutting
edge of cool. Trust me, if there's a recording of a robot screwing a
blender with some monks chanting in the background, Station will be
there to champion it as a "triumph of the musical spirit." I know, makes
me wanna puke, too. Anyway, since there is little hope of diverting
these two from the ignominious end they are speeding toward, let me jump
in and do my own little "best of the year" list. I shall call it the "Menzas!"
No? How about the 'Clemenzawards?" Oh hell, let's just call it the "Clemmys"
and be done with it!
For Worst Escape Plan By A Deposed Tyrant
The Clemmy goes to:
This dude had
planned to escape by bicycle when the siege on his country began. That's
right -- a bicycle. In Saddam's defense, the bike was, as he described
it, "a bitchin' Mongoose with magnesium wheels that Allah himself would
want to steal from me." Saddam gathered a change of clothes along with
his prized collection of Peabo Bryson albums and mounted his "chariot."
Sadly, the plan went awry when Tariq Aziz wanted to sit on the
handlebars during the escape, causing the bike to tip over and throw the
chain. As I so often say, at least he had a dream.
For Most Disappointing War Movie
The Clemmy Goes to: Jarhead
Look, if you're gonna make a war movie,
just do it. I get the whole inner struggle thing and the depth of the
human psyche thing, but really, people, if I wanted to be gay, I'd just
go to one of our editor's Friday night "theme parties." If you wanna
make a film to define a war, use this as a blueprint of how not to do
it. I mean really... coming face-to-face with an oil-covered horse in
the desert? Why don't we just get George Clooney and his cronies to make
a film about corrupt government officials and the oil companies' quest
to control our souls -- wait, what? They did that? Boy, is my face red.
Embarrassing Moment Of The Year
The Clemmy goes to: Me
That's right, yours truly gets this one for my karaoke performance of
Kanye West's hit "Gold Digger." What's so embarrassing about that, you
ask? Well, it was not done at a karaoke bar for one, but at a local
NAACP chapter meeting that was being held at the same hotel as the adult
film stars expo I thought I was attending. It was one of those "gotta
break free" moments and, with my buddy Vincenzo on boom box, I really
got into it. The crowd was less than appreciative of my efforts, though.
I was hated for being human.
Who Needs A Beating Thrown At Him The Most
The Clemmy goes to: Rivers Cuomo (lead singer of Weezer)
This dude is extolling the virtues of
celibacy and has stated that he refuses to use his celebrity status to
have sex with women. Is this a new ploy to get noticed? Have you really
seen this dude? A close inspection of Mr. Cuomo begs the question, "How
much of his abstinence is really self-imposed?" I guess a steady diet of
wedgies and being shoved in trash cans as a youth will make you say
funny things later on in life.
Ridiculous Catchphrase Of The Year
The Clemmy goes to: "Jacked Up!" (from Tom Jacksonís "Jacked Up"
segment on ESPNís Monday Night Football pre-game)
Oh my word, if you've not seen this
segment of the NFL's most violent hits, then you are truly depriving
yourself of a genuine delight each Monday night. But wait, it gets far
better. As the list of the five best hits are shown, the announcers
declare that so-and-so got "Jacked Up" right as the hits take place.
Sometimes, when I am feeling edgy, I'll wait until they say "Jacked Up", and then at home, I'll say "Jacked Up" at the same
time. It is truly a moment of human communion.
Confrontation Of The Year
The Clemmy goes to: Matt Lauer Vs Tom Cruise on the Today show
When the Lilliputian Cruise is not busy
absorbing young women into the Scientology collective, it seems that he
enjoys trying to bully talk show hosts. The source of the conflict was
antidepressants and Cruise's "disapproval" of their use. When Lauer
tried to present an opposing point of view, Cruise responded by saying
"Look, Lauer, have you seen my films? Do you know who I am? Who was the
best F14 pilot? Me! Who was the best pool player? Me! Who was the best
Irish Immigrant? Me! Who was the best racecar driver? Me! Who was the
best vampire? Me! Who was the best bartender? Me! Who was the only human
able the thwart the Mars invasion? Not you Matt, it was me! With all of
these credentials, I think I know a little something about the field of
mental health!" My only wish is that Lauer would have backhanded him out
of his chair, and then Al Roker would have come onto the set and dropped
an elbow on him. That would have defined the year.
Woman Of 2005
The Clemmy Goes to: Angelina Jolie
If sexuality could be harnessed for power,
Angelina could light up at least three continents, and I don't mean with
those crappy 40-watt bulbs either. I'm talking the sweet 100-watt ones,
baby! She could make Ricky Martin straight and Laura Bush gay. It is an
eerie power that we should all be thankful that she uses only for good.
I don't want to go overboard, but I think it is totally reasonable to
put control of all the world's governments, economic systems, the
drawing of borders and the freedom of all people under her control. I
can think of things far worse than having her face on all of my money
and the daily decisions of my existence being left up to her whims. Are
you with me, people? People...?
Proof That Mother Nature Has It In For You
The Clemmy goes to: Hurricane Katrina
All right, Mother Nature, WTF? You know
when I was a kid we didn't have any of this crap. Sure, we had a
thunderstorm here and there, and some summers were hotter than others,
but really! Now every freaking hurricane is a Category 5, summers kill
people with deadly heat waves, birds carry a deadly strain of the flu,
cows have "mad" diseases, and cannibalistic hobos linger around every
subterranean corner. Hurricane Katrina had to get all rowdy and break
stuff and flood towns. Nature, we get it! You're all-powerful, message
received! Keep it up. It sounds like somebody needs another hole punched
in their ozone layer.
Dude Working At A Fast Food Joint
The Clemmy goes to: That dude with the pony tail who works the night
shift at the McDonalds by my house
So I'm feeling like a snack one night and
decide to head over to McDonalds. When it is my turn to place an order,
I request a Quarter Pounder with cheese, a chicken sandwich, fries, an
apple pie, and then after some consideration, I add yet another Quarter
Pounder with cheese and a salad to my order. I pay my money and this
dude says it will take a moment to "form a Roman work line to transport
my order to the counter." Then he asks me if that will be all or would I
"like to see if we can fry some air for you to munch on while we prepare
what is undoubtedly a snack to your pre-midnight grazing." Look, I come
to this joint to get some semi-edible food, not to be judged! On the
other hand, if you had to spend three hours of your shift dressed in a
Grimace costume standing at an intersection imploring people to try the
McRib, I suppose you would not be sporting the kindest demeanor either.
Strongest Sign That We Will One Day Be Ruled By Apes
The Clemmy goes to: This dude:
design copyright © 2001-2011 Shaking Through.net. All original artwork,
photography and text used on this site is the sole copyright of the respective creator(s)/author(s). Reprinting, reposting, or citing any of the original
content appearing on this site without the written consent of Shaking
Through.net is strictly forbidden.