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Clemenza's Corner (2005 Clemmys)

Posted: January  03, 2006

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Introductory Remarks: Don't you hate it when Moreau and Station make their little hipster music lists at the end of each year? Moreau will select anyone so long as they have never covered an Eagles song, while Station will travel to the ends of the musical world in search of the most obscure jungle/techno rhythms in his never-ending quest to be on the cutting edge of cool. Trust me, if there's a recording of a robot screwing a blender with some monks chanting in the background, Station will be there to champion it as a "triumph of the musical spirit." I know, makes me wanna puke, too. Anyway, since there is little hope of diverting these two from the ignominious end they are speeding toward, let me jump in and do my own little "best of the year" list. I shall call it the "Menzas!" No? How about the 'Clemenzawards?" Oh hell, let's just call it the "Clemmys" and be done with it!
 
Award For Worst Escape Plan By A Deposed Tyrant

The Clemmy goes to: Saddam Hussein

This dude had planned to escape by bicycle when the siege on his country began. That's right -- a bicycle. In Saddam's defense, the bike was, as he described it, "a bitchin' Mongoose with magnesium wheels that Allah himself would want to steal from me." Saddam gathered a change of clothes along with his prized collection of Peabo Bryson albums and mounted his "chariot." Sadly, the plan went awry when Tariq Aziz wanted to sit on the handlebars during the escape, causing the bike to tip over and throw the chain. As I so often say, at least he had a dream.

 
Award For Most Disappointing War Movie

The Clemmy Goes to: Jarhead

Look, if you're gonna make a war movie, just do it. I get the whole inner struggle thing and the depth of the human psyche thing, but really, people, if I wanted to be gay, I'd just go to one of our editor's Friday night "theme parties." If you wanna make a film to define a war, use this as a blueprint of how not to do it. I mean really... coming face-to-face with an oil-covered horse in the desert? Why don't we just get George Clooney and his cronies to make a film about corrupt government officials and the oil companies' quest to control our souls -- wait, what? They did that? Boy, is my face red.

 
Most Embarrassing Moment Of The Year

The Clemmy goes to: Me

That's right, yours truly gets this one for my karaoke performance of Kanye West's hit "Gold Digger." What's so embarrassing about that, you ask? Well, it was not done at a karaoke bar for one, but at a local NAACP chapter meeting that was being held at the same hotel as the adult film stars expo I thought I was attending. It was one of those "gotta break free" moments and, with my buddy Vincenzo on boom box, I really got into it. The crowd was less than appreciative of my efforts, though. I was hated for being human.

 
Dude Who Needs A Beating Thrown At Him The Most

The Clemmy goes to: Rivers Cuomo (lead singer of Weezer)

This dude is extolling the virtues of celibacy and has stated that he refuses to use his celebrity status to have sex with women. Is this a new ploy to get noticed? Have you really seen this dude? A close inspection of Mr. Cuomo begs the question, "How much of his abstinence is really self-imposed?" I guess a steady diet of wedgies and being shoved in trash cans as a youth will make you say funny things later on in life.

 
Most Ridiculous Catchphrase Of The Year

The Clemmy goes to: "Jacked Up!" (from Tom Jacksonís "Jacked Up" segment on ESPNís Monday Night Football pre-game)

Oh my word, if you've not seen this segment of the NFL's most violent hits, then you are truly depriving yourself of a genuine delight each Monday night. But wait, it gets far better. As the list of the five best hits are shown, the announcers declare that so-and-so got "Jacked Up" right as the hits take place. Sometimes, when I am feeling edgy, I'll wait until they say "Jacked Up", and then at home, I'll say "Jacked Up" at the same time. It is truly a moment of human communion.

 
Creepiest Confrontation Of The Year

The Clemmy goes to: Matt Lauer Vs Tom Cruise on the Today show

When the Lilliputian Cruise is not busy absorbing young women into the Scientology collective, it seems that he enjoys trying to bully talk show hosts. The source of the conflict was antidepressants and Cruise's "disapproval" of their use. When Lauer tried to present an opposing point of view, Cruise responded by saying "Look, Lauer, have you seen my films? Do you know who I am? Who was the best F14 pilot? Me! Who was the best pool player? Me! Who was the best Irish Immigrant? Me! Who was the best racecar driver? Me! Who was the best vampire? Me! Who was the best bartender? Me! Who was the only human able the thwart the Mars invasion? Not you Matt, it was me! With all of these credentials, I think I know a little something about the field of mental health!" My only wish is that Lauer would have backhanded him out of his chair, and then Al Roker would have come onto the set and dropped an elbow on him. That would have defined the year.

 
Hottest Woman Of 2005

The Clemmy Goes to: Angelina Jolie

If sexuality could be harnessed for power, Angelina could light up at least three continents, and I don't mean with those crappy 40-watt bulbs either. I'm talking the sweet 100-watt ones, baby! She could make Ricky Martin straight and Laura Bush gay. It is an eerie power that we should all be thankful that she uses only for good. I don't want to go overboard, but I think it is totally reasonable to put control of all the world's governments, economic systems, the drawing of borders and the freedom of all people under her control. I can think of things far worse than having her face on all of my money and the daily decisions of my existence being left up to her whims. Are you with me, people? People...?

 
Best Proof That Mother Nature Has It In For You

The Clemmy goes to: Hurricane Katrina

All right, Mother Nature, WTF? You know when I was a kid we didn't have any of this crap. Sure, we had a thunderstorm here and there, and some summers were hotter than others, but really! Now every freaking hurricane is a Category 5, summers kill people with deadly heat waves, birds carry a deadly strain of the flu, cows have "mad" diseases, and cannibalistic hobos linger around every subterranean corner. Hurricane Katrina had to get all rowdy and break stuff and flood towns. Nature, we get it! You're all-powerful, message received! Keep it up. It sounds like somebody needs another hole punched in their ozone layer.

 
Rudest Dude Working At A Fast Food Joint

The Clemmy goes to: That dude with the pony tail who works the night shift at the McDonalds by my house

So I'm feeling like a snack one night and decide to head over to McDonalds. When it is my turn to place an order, I request a Quarter Pounder with cheese, a chicken sandwich, fries, an apple pie, and then after some consideration, I add yet another Quarter Pounder with cheese and a salad to my order. I pay my money and this dude says it will take a moment to "form a Roman work line to transport my order to the counter." Then he asks me if that will be all or would I "like to see if we can fry some air for you to munch on while we prepare what is undoubtedly a snack to your pre-midnight grazing." Look, I come to this joint to get some semi-edible food, not to be judged! On the other hand, if you had to spend three hours of your shift dressed in a Grimace costume standing at an intersection imploring people to try the McRib, I suppose you would not be sporting the kindest demeanor either. Advantage Clemenza!

 

Strongest Sign That We Will One Day Be Ruled By Apes

The Clemmy goes to: This dude:

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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